Katie was much better yesterday. She didn't complain of her tummy hurting, and it was evident she felt better. I anticipate she will get weaker again in a few days (that is how it goes). Chemo works in strange ways. I am glad Katie had a better day!
Conner has swim lessons in the mornings for a half hour. I never knew a half hour could last so long! Conner is crying before we even get there, and then when we arrive, he clings to the fence screaming, "Please mommy no, Please mommy I don't want to do this, Please mommy I am scared, Please I want to go home, Please mommy please!" The swim teacher has to help me pry him from the fence (it literally takes two of us). Conner continues that same mantra for the entire half hour: "Please mommy please, I"m scared please..." I have almost caved in multiple times, because I have felt it can't be worth it - for him, me, or Katie (as Katie is also with me, in the heat, with her mask on). However, two things have kept me going - and it is less about swimming and more about life. 1. Conner needs to know that mommy can't/won't always save him from hard things, and 2.he needs to know he can do hard things. And he is doing it. Afterward he is cold, bluish, and shivering, but he flashes me one big proud smile of accomplishment, and in that moment I know I made the right choice for him. --Although it still feels like torture for me! --Between Katie and Conner, I am learning I can do hard things too.
There are different levels of hard. I read an article in the Deseret News (Sunday, June 3, 2012 edition). It is titled "Dad writes letters to a daughter he won't see grow up." Ben Thomas has Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS). The disease causes the person to lose control and strength of their voluntary muscles. When muscles in the diaphragm stop working, they lose their ability to breathe on their own. Most people with the disease will live only three to five years after being diagnosed. Ben is 31 years, he has had the disease for two years, and he has a daughter that is only 18 months old. Ben is an optimistic person. In the article he says, "I guess you just learn to focus on the things you do have, the things that you can do... Maybe my legs don't work, but I can make my daughter laugh." The illness has helped him and his wife realize what matters most in life. "Our whole understanding of life changed... Things just started to mean more." They are cherishing life and every minute they have together. Ben is writing letters to his daughter so she will know him and have a memory of him through the letters. Ben said, "It might be painful for a little while, or difficult and sad, but we believe in an afterlife. We'll be together again... and 300 years from now we'll think 'Remember when you had ALS? What were we so worried about?" With the time they have left together, probably the most poignant message he wants to leave his daughter is one of happiness. "I'd probably want to tell her that she can be happy no matter what," 'Ben said, his voice breaking with emotion and tears in his eyes.' "Happiness is a choice. People can take things from you, or your health can be taken from you, but you can always choose to be happy."
This family is facing unimaginable hard things. My heart hurts for them. But I hope to learn from their faith and example. Today I am choosing to be happy and am counting my blessings - how about you?
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Day 210
Katie's tummy hurt most of the day yesterday, and she hasn't wanted to eat much. However, last night she asked for a slush. We were ecstatic she wanted something! I said, "Sure we will get you a slush." Then she said, "I mean ice-cream." -Absolutely. The "slush/ice cream place" is Sonic. When we got there, Conner opted for a corn dog rather than a slush or ice cream. When we got our order and Katie saw Conner's corn dog, she said, "I want one of those." Hmmm, the dilemma... Do we go back through the drive-through to get her one? We don't want to spoil her, and would she really eat it? But there are just times when none of that matters. If there is something she might eat, then let's do it! So, we drove back around and ordered again. Katie did a decent job eating her ice cream and corn dog. I never thought I would be so glad to have one of my kids eat a hot dog!
I have noticed the mix of chemos Katie is on during this phase makes her really thirsty. After treatment, she always asks for a lot of water to drink through out the night and the next day. She was pretty wiped out yesterday. She only wanted Mommy - when she is really sick, she doesn't want anyone else to hold her, touch her, or even look at her. However, by bedtime, she let her dad take her upstairs and hold her, and she gave Conner a long hug and kiss good night. She woke up early this morning, but then fell back to sleep. Hopefully today will be a better day for her.
Joseph B. Wirthlin has said: "Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief....Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome." ("Come What May, and Love It," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 27).
Yesterday, I posted about Cassie & Todd White. Today I learned of a way to give directly to them: http://toddandcassiewhite.chipin.com/.
I have noticed the mix of chemos Katie is on during this phase makes her really thirsty. After treatment, she always asks for a lot of water to drink through out the night and the next day. She was pretty wiped out yesterday. She only wanted Mommy - when she is really sick, she doesn't want anyone else to hold her, touch her, or even look at her. However, by bedtime, she let her dad take her upstairs and hold her, and she gave Conner a long hug and kiss good night. She woke up early this morning, but then fell back to sleep. Hopefully today will be a better day for her.
Joseph B. Wirthlin has said: "Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief....Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome." ("Come What May, and Love It," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 27).
Yesterday, I posted about Cassie & Todd White. Today I learned of a way to give directly to them: http://toddandcassiewhite.chipin.com/.
Todd White
Todd was diagnosed with colon cancer during the summer of 2011 just two days after the birth of their youngest child. He had surgery to remove the grapefruit sized tumor then went through chemotherapy treatments and was on his way to recovery. Recently he was re-diagnosed with another tumor in his colon. He went in for surgery to remove his colon and is now struggling with a bacterial infection and the doctors have found the cancer has spread to several of his lymph nodes. He is currently still in the hospital fighting the infection and working to get strong enough to start fighting the cancer. Todd and Cassie are wonderful people with 4 beautiful children who have given so much of their time and efforts and so much kindness serving all those they are around. This is a place where you can contribute if you would like and it all goes directly to Todd.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Day 209
I had posted that "Day 208" was a "beautiful day", and I was going to post that "Day 209" (yesterday) was not so beautiful. However, when I logged on, I notice a comment from a new person - her name is Cassie. After I read Cassie's comment and realized who she was, I was humbled and reminded, that even yesterday was a beautiful day! I am glad for that reminder. Things may not have gone perfectly yesterday, but we had a day, and we had it together. I have never met Cassie, her husband, or her family. I only know about Cassie and her family from a friend of mine on facebook. However, my heart has been touched by Cassie's family. They are a beautiful and amazing family, in every way. Cassie's husband, Todd, is going through his second battle with Colon cancer (32 years old). To see more of their story, go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKpFJTYoCjA&feature=plcp
A comment made on their video is: "You don't have to look very far to find someone who has suffered/is suffering much more than you." That comment stood out to me, because I have found that statement to be so true. My heart has grown very tender for other's who are suffering. Cassie, Todd, and their family have gone through so much already, and they still aren't done. Please watch their video and contribute if you can.
As for us, yesterday wasn't the best day (but also, it was not the worst). I took Conner to swim lessons and Scott took Katie to the clinic. I expected swim lessons to go horribly - and it exceeded my horrible expectation. Let's just say... I was worried about Katie getting her port accessed without my being there, Conner is terrified of the water, and the teacher was anything but warm and fuzzy. It was far from being a pleasant experience. I don't know who was more traumatized yesterday - me, Conner, or Katie. After swim lessons, I dropped Conner off with Scott's mom, and then I drove to the clinic. Scott and Katie were in the treatment area, but they hadn't started Katie's chemo yet. I couldn't understand what was taking so long. I asked Scott what her levels were, and he told me they were low. Again, I was confused, because they are not supposed to continue with treatment (during this phase) if her levels are low.
There were all sorts of confusions yesterday - with the doctors, nurses, medicine... It is too hard to explain, but long story short, the nurses hadn't ordered Katie's chemo, because Katie hadn't made counts. However, Scott was told by Dr. Henry, who saw Katie yesterday, that she would get chemo just not an upped dosage. So, when I got there, I talked with Dr. Dana (our regular doctor), she talked with Dr. Henry, then both doctors came and talked to us, and then they talked to the nurse. Even though Katie's counts were low, she did get treatment (just not the upped dosage). So... while we were waiting for Katie's chemo to arrive, I tearfully told Scott about my hard morning at swim lessons. He listened patiently and compassionately, and then he told me that he and Katie were in an accident, on the freeway, on their way to the clinic. WHAT!? Thankfully, the accident wasn't that bad, Scott's truck has some minor damage, and no one was hurt (which is a miracle, because it happened during rush hour) (and yes, the same truck we just paid major bucks for, getting a new engine put in). The accident was the other guys fault. He side swiped Scott (Scott was in the carpool lane and the guy turned into him). More tears on my part at this point. Scott stayed with me until I was ready for him to leave for work. Katie was upset the whole time we were at the clinic. It was a long hard day.
Hard is hard, and cancer is hard! It is hard on the whole family - everyone in the family is affected. But like I said, when I put myself in Cassie's shoes this morning, her hard is harder than mine. I am so sorry for what Cassie, Todd, and their family are going through, but I am grateful to them for their examples of faith and fortitude. There are so many stories and people out there who are hurting and need help. I don't know all of them, and I can't help all of them... But all of us should help those who we do know, and can help. I am grateful to all of you for your prayers, concern, and help in our behalf. - Again, Please click on the link above and watch Cassie and Todd's video, and contribute if you can. Thank You!
A comment made on their video is: "You don't have to look very far to find someone who has suffered/is suffering much more than you." That comment stood out to me, because I have found that statement to be so true. My heart has grown very tender for other's who are suffering. Cassie, Todd, and their family have gone through so much already, and they still aren't done. Please watch their video and contribute if you can.
As for us, yesterday wasn't the best day (but also, it was not the worst). I took Conner to swim lessons and Scott took Katie to the clinic. I expected swim lessons to go horribly - and it exceeded my horrible expectation. Let's just say... I was worried about Katie getting her port accessed without my being there, Conner is terrified of the water, and the teacher was anything but warm and fuzzy. It was far from being a pleasant experience. I don't know who was more traumatized yesterday - me, Conner, or Katie. After swim lessons, I dropped Conner off with Scott's mom, and then I drove to the clinic. Scott and Katie were in the treatment area, but they hadn't started Katie's chemo yet. I couldn't understand what was taking so long. I asked Scott what her levels were, and he told me they were low. Again, I was confused, because they are not supposed to continue with treatment (during this phase) if her levels are low.
There were all sorts of confusions yesterday - with the doctors, nurses, medicine... It is too hard to explain, but long story short, the nurses hadn't ordered Katie's chemo, because Katie hadn't made counts. However, Scott was told by Dr. Henry, who saw Katie yesterday, that she would get chemo just not an upped dosage. So, when I got there, I talked with Dr. Dana (our regular doctor), she talked with Dr. Henry, then both doctors came and talked to us, and then they talked to the nurse. Even though Katie's counts were low, she did get treatment (just not the upped dosage). So... while we were waiting for Katie's chemo to arrive, I tearfully told Scott about my hard morning at swim lessons. He listened patiently and compassionately, and then he told me that he and Katie were in an accident, on the freeway, on their way to the clinic. WHAT!? Thankfully, the accident wasn't that bad, Scott's truck has some minor damage, and no one was hurt (which is a miracle, because it happened during rush hour) (and yes, the same truck we just paid major bucks for, getting a new engine put in). The accident was the other guys fault. He side swiped Scott (Scott was in the carpool lane and the guy turned into him). More tears on my part at this point. Scott stayed with me until I was ready for him to leave for work. Katie was upset the whole time we were at the clinic. It was a long hard day.
Hard is hard, and cancer is hard! It is hard on the whole family - everyone in the family is affected. But like I said, when I put myself in Cassie's shoes this morning, her hard is harder than mine. I am so sorry for what Cassie, Todd, and their family are going through, but I am grateful to them for their examples of faith and fortitude. There are so many stories and people out there who are hurting and need help. I don't know all of them, and I can't help all of them... But all of us should help those who we do know, and can help. I am grateful to all of you for your prayers, concern, and help in our behalf. - Again, Please click on the link above and watch Cassie and Todd's video, and contribute if you can. Thank You!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Day 208
Yesterday was a beautiful day! We had a great celebration in honor of our sweet Katie. Katie's Grandma and Grandpa Epps' came over for dinner and Katie's party. One of Katie's presents was a Rapunzel wig - I will post the pictures some time this week - it is funny, she looked so cute, and she loved having hair again! (The wig doesn't stay on long because the hair is two feet long and it is hot and itchy, but it is fun while it lasts). It was a really nice day.
Today however, Katie goes back to the clinic for more chemo. Conner also starts swim lessons this morning, so Scott and I are having to divide this morning. One of us will take Conner to swim and one will take Katie to the clinic. We have been told the first week of swim lessons a bit traumatic... So one of us needs to be there with Conner. I will probably go with Conner to swim, and then Scott's mom is going to watch him, while go meet up with Scott and Katie at the clinic. I hate not being able to be there the whole time with Katie... But there is no way I couldn't be there for Conner too. So, today is a divide and conquer day.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said: "The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow.h Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.
"We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24) as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair." ("The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 23).
Today however, Katie goes back to the clinic for more chemo. Conner also starts swim lessons this morning, so Scott and I are having to divide this morning. One of us will take Conner to swim and one will take Katie to the clinic. We have been told the first week of swim lessons a bit traumatic... So one of us needs to be there with Conner. I will probably go with Conner to swim, and then Scott's mom is going to watch him, while go meet up with Scott and Katie at the clinic. I hate not being able to be there the whole time with Katie... But there is no way I couldn't be there for Conner too. So, today is a divide and conquer day.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said: "The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow.h Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.
"We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24) as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair." ("The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 23).
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Day 207
Today is our sweet Katelynn Joy Epps' 3rd birthday. What a "gift" she has been to us! Words can not begin to express how much we love her, and how grateful we are for her! Katie's positive personality has been such a blessing to our family. She is full of love, happiness, sunshine, sweetness, and joy. She is always ready with a big smile and a hug and kiss. She lives up to her name... She truly is a joy!
I woke up this morning, very aware that if it weren't for the grace of God and the blessings of modern medicine, our sweet Katie would not have made it to her 3rd birthday. How blessed we are! Today truly is a day to celebrate! We are so grateful to have Katie in our lives.
Katie woke up this morning asking for ice cream for breakfast - sure, why not - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY GIRL!
My Birthday wish for Katie is that she always be a disciple of Jesus Christ: "The blessings of discipleship are readily available to all who are willing to pay the price. Discipleship brings purpose to our lives so that rather than wandering aimlessly, we walk steadily on that strait and narrow way that leads us back to our Heavenly Father. Discipleship brings us comfort in times of sorrow, peace of conscience, and joy in service - all of which help us to be more like Jesus." (James E. Faust, "Discipleship," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 22).
This quote reminded me of the Primary song, "I'm trying to Be like Jesus:" "I'm trying to be like Jesus; I'm following in his ways. I'm trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say. At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice, But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers, 'Love one another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindnesss in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, For these are the things Jesus taught."
I woke up this morning, very aware that if it weren't for the grace of God and the blessings of modern medicine, our sweet Katie would not have made it to her 3rd birthday. How blessed we are! Today truly is a day to celebrate! We are so grateful to have Katie in our lives.
Katie woke up this morning asking for ice cream for breakfast - sure, why not - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY GIRL!
My Birthday wish for Katie is that she always be a disciple of Jesus Christ: "The blessings of discipleship are readily available to all who are willing to pay the price. Discipleship brings purpose to our lives so that rather than wandering aimlessly, we walk steadily on that strait and narrow way that leads us back to our Heavenly Father. Discipleship brings us comfort in times of sorrow, peace of conscience, and joy in service - all of which help us to be more like Jesus." (James E. Faust, "Discipleship," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 22).
This quote reminded me of the Primary song, "I'm trying to Be like Jesus:" "I'm trying to be like Jesus; I'm following in his ways. I'm trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say. At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice, But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers, 'Love one another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindnesss in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, For these are the things Jesus taught."
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Day 206
Katie is hanging in there... She still gets tired easily, and when she is "done" she is just done, but she is a go getter. I am glad she has such a strong will and constitution!
"Disciplehsip does not guarantee freedom from the storms of life. Even as we are wending our way carefully and faithfully along the strait and narrow path, we encounter obstacle and challenge. There are days, perhaps even months and years, when life is just hard. We experience our fair share of adversity, heartache, loneliness, pain, grief - sometimes; it seems more than our fair share.
"What to do when adversity strikes? There is only one thing to do. Stand steady and see it through. Stay steadfast, constant, and true. The real tragedy in the whirlwinds of life comes only when we allow them to blow us off our true course." (David S. Baxter, "Faith, Service, Constancy," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 14).
"Disciplehsip does not guarantee freedom from the storms of life. Even as we are wending our way carefully and faithfully along the strait and narrow path, we encounter obstacle and challenge. There are days, perhaps even months and years, when life is just hard. We experience our fair share of adversity, heartache, loneliness, pain, grief - sometimes; it seems more than our fair share.
"What to do when adversity strikes? There is only one thing to do. Stand steady and see it through. Stay steadfast, constant, and true. The real tragedy in the whirlwinds of life comes only when we allow them to blow us off our true course." (David S. Baxter, "Faith, Service, Constancy," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 14).
Friday, June 1, 2012
Day 205
Katie had a much better night last night - she slept through the night. She seems a little better today, so maybe we are over the worst of it... Until Monday anyway, when Katie goes in for her next treatment. We are looking forward to Katie's 3rd birthday on Sunday. I am glad she will be feeling good on her birthday!
"World peace, though a lofty goal, is but an outgrowth of the personal peace each individual seeks to attain. I refer not to the peace promoted by man, but peace as promised of God. I speak of peace in our homes, peace in our hearts, even peace in our lives. Peace after the way of man is perishable. Peace after the manner of God will prevail." (Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Peace," Ensign, Mar. 2004, 2)
"World peace, though a lofty goal, is but an outgrowth of the personal peace each individual seeks to attain. I refer not to the peace promoted by man, but peace as promised of God. I speak of peace in our homes, peace in our hearts, even peace in our lives. Peace after the way of man is perishable. Peace after the manner of God will prevail." (Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Peace," Ensign, Mar. 2004, 2)
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