Day 143

     Well, the steroids seems to have picked up where they left off!  It definitely has not been like "starting".  Katie is in rare form.  The majority of the time, no one can look at her, touch her, speak to her, or help her, except me.  Which is hard for everyone.  Katie gets upset easily and it is hard to calm her down - we just have to wait it out.  She says, "I can't sleep very good".  She is also hungry all the time and she craves weird things.  Yesterday she insisted on having "pizza with milk on it".  It was 9:00 in the morning and there was no pizza in the house!  And pizza with milk on it?  I have no idea where that thought even came from.  After awhile, I was able to distract her with something else, but then at 8:00 last night she suddenly got the thought again and said, "Oh!  We forgot the pizza".  I guess we will be having pizza some time today...with milk on it?  I don't think so! =)
     Katie was still very weak and pale yesterday.  Her eyes have dark circles around them and the rest of her body is stark white.  She has no color, except a little pink to her lips.  She looked so sick last night that it hurt to look at her.  Hopefully the steroids will help pick up her levels, so she can start looking and feeling better.  Although, it is a mix I guess, because she has the chemo and the steroids in her system, the combo makes her weaker, but the steroids do help raise her counts.  I don't understand it really, but that is what happens.  Her counts go up and in some ways she gets better, but she also gets weaker.
     I am so glad General Conference is this weekend.  Our family is needing an emotional and spiritual boost and conference is the perfect antidote!  I believe the Lord spoke through His prophets in biblical times, and I believe he speaks through His prophets in our day.  "Surely the Lord God will do nothing, until he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets" (Amos 3:7).  That scripture was given in Old Testament times and is still true today.  We have a loving Heavenly Father who has not left us here alone.  We have been given living prophets to help guide and direct us along our journey in life.  If you like the thoughts and quotes I post, the majority of what I post are quotes from them.  If you have questions that you are seeking answers to, or if you are looking for more peace in your life, I invite you to watch General Conference this weekend via the Internet on gc.lds.org - on the left side of the page you can click on "watch live" or "listen live".  Different sessions begin today and Sunday morning at 10:00 a.m. MDT.  You can also watch at a local LDS meeting house, or in some places on TV.  It is going to be a great weekend!!

Day 142

     Chemo is crazy.  It is unbelievable what a difference one week can make.  Scott called me yesterday morning before Katie and I left for the clinic and said he wanted to meet us there.  I told him I didn't think she was going to make counts - which she didn't.  However unbeknown to me, her chemo treatments yesterday were not count dependent - she got the chemo anyway.  (Next time, her chemo is count dependent - different types of chemo, different protocols). 
     Yesterday morning as Katie was still sleeping, I looked in on her, and her color was so off, she was very pale.  After she woke up, I could tell she didn't have any energy.  I found her at one point, laying on the floor in her bedroom, I asked her if she felt okay, and she said she didn't feel good.  At this point last week, she was so energized and vibrant.  This week she is pale and lethargic.  Last night, I thought she looked like Casper the Ghost - with her little bald head, big eyes and she is so pale, she is white!  She looked so good last week and this week she looks sick.  She is sick.  It is heartbreaking!
     Last week her white blood count was 13.6, yesterday it was 2.0 (4.0-12.0 is normal).  Last week her red blood count was 4.47, yesterday it was 3.88 (4.00-5.30 is normal).  Her hemoglobin last week was 12.8, yesterday it was 10.9 (11.5-14.5 is normal).  Last week her platelets were 502, yesterday they were 317 (normal is 140-450).  Her ANC (immune system) last week was 6,392, yesterday it was 180!  So everything has gone down and she is lower than "normal" in everything except platelets.  Her levels were so high last week in part because of the steroids - for some reason, they make her weak, but they do bring her levels up.  Dr. Dana said her levels should come up again because she is back on the steroids.  However, If her hemoglobin drops any lower, she will need a blood transfusion.  But for now, she is feeling pretty lousy.  Her tummy was hurting her all afternoon and evening and she says, "I don't feel good".  As crazy as chemo is....and it is....I am glad there is a treatment for Katie!
     "For I the Lord God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee" (Isaiah 41:13).  We are excited for General Conference to be on TV this Saturday and Sunday, so we hear our prophet and apostles speak!  Conference is always a boost - spiritually and emotionally.

Day 141

     Katie and I go to the clinic today - so not our favorite day.  Katie will get two doses of chemo in her port today, plus we will start the steroids again. 
     Scott's truck hasn't been working for the past couple of weeks, he keeps taking it in and they keep charging us $$$, but it still isn't working right.  So we have been a one car family, which is always a little difficult.  Last week I drove him to and from work.  This week, Scott has been taking my car and then doing the grocery shopping and running all the errands after work.  Yesterday our refrigerator stopped working.  Scott came home from work/grocery store and worked on the fridge, then he went to scouts, then he came home and worked on the fridge some more, then he helped me get the kids in bed, and then he worked on the fridge some more.  I finally convinced him to eat dinner at 10:30 p.m.  Katie was up crying multiple times last night.  We didn't get to bed until almost 1:00 a.m. and Scott was up at 5:30 to go to work.  He is such a good man and I am so grateful for all he does for us!!  He is tired and worn down (and the fridge still isn't working right).  I am glad he is a patient man!  I think both Scott and Katie could use some prayers today to help them through the day!
     "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." (Isaiah 41:10)

Day 140

     Over the past few days, Katie has digressed a little.  She woke up with a little rash on her face three days ago, that has remained.  Her strength has daily lessened.  She is doing okay, but she looks sick - her eyes look sick and her color is slightly off.  She particularly struggles going up and down the stairs.  Last night she was using both legs, knees, arms and head to make it up the stairs.  She basically laid down on the stairs, using her head and arms as a support, as she dragged herself up the stairs one leg at a time.  I asked her twice if I could carry her, and she said no.  About halfway up the stairs I realized she was determined to do it herself, so I started saying to her, "You can do it Katie, you can do it."  To which Katie responded, "You can do it Mommy, you can do it!"  Yes Katie, together, we can do this.  I am glad for Katie's strong will and determination.  She is an inspiration to me.  Katie always has a BIG smile on her face (well almost always).  She is amazing!
     Light is stronger than the dark, and Jesus Christ is the ultimate light.  "...I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life" (John 8:12).  "That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day" (D&C 50:24).  We are not alone in our journey.

Day 139

     Katie is still having mood swings from the steroids, even though she has been off of them since last Wednesday.  The nurse told us they should be out of her system in a few days - which I was very doubtful of - after our last experience with Katie and steroids.  However, I even checked with Scott this morning, to see if he thought we were still seeing the effects of the steroids and he said, "definitely!"  For the most part though she is herself, just occasionally the steroids take over and we have to wait it out.  I am glad we didn't have to do another solid month of steroids again!
     Katie goes back to the clinic on Thursday for two doses of chemo.  She will also start taking the double dose of steroids again that day.  The doctor said Katie is sensitive to the steroids mixed with the chemo and that is why she gets so weak.  So, she will loose the energy and gain more rage.  We will take it as it comes.  One day at a time.      
    Here is another of my treasured quotes, that I have referred to over the years.  The quote is from a play called Joan of Lorraine, by Maxwell Anderson.  The play is about Joan of Arc.  Joan of Arc was born in 1412 in the little hamlet of Domrey in northeast France.  Joan had an undying faith in the mission she believed she must fulfill.  She gave her life for her belief in God and in her country.  In the play, her words serve as a vivid reminder of the importance of remaining true to our commitments and beliefs:  "I know this too now:  Every man gives his life for what he believes.  Every woman gives her life for what she believes.  Sometimes people believe in little or nothing, nevertheless they give up their lives to that little or nothing.  One life is all we have, and we live it as we believe in living it, and then it is gone.  But to surrender what you are, and live without belief - that's more terrible than dying - more terrible than dying young" (Act 2, Interlude 3).  At the age of 19, Joan of Arc was burned at the stake for refusing to deny her belief in God and country.

Day 138

     Katie had some tummy troubles yesterday and she was a little less "perky" and more tired.  Although SHE wouldn't admit that!  She is doing good.  The doctor said she should stay about the same until we begin the second part of this phase - that is when it is supposed to get really hard.  But to date, she has done better than anyone could have anticipated.  We are grateful.  We are glad for the power of prayer and blessings.
     As I was looking through my "treasures" I came across an Ensign from 2003, which I had saved, because I loved this particular article.  At that time, my dad had passed away (the year before), my mom was very sick, and I was still single.  I was in my late 30's and unknown to me at the time, I was still three years away from getting married.  Back then, I wasn't sure if I would get married or be able to have children.  This article by Dallin H. Oaks was a guide and a strength to me through those next few difficult years.  I read it today with "new eyes".  I was blessed to get married to a wonderful man and to have two beautiful children, but nothing could have prepared me for what was still to come!  Scott and I continue to have to deal with the "agency" of others.  We are having to stand firm in the face of that adversity.  We are also needing to trust in the Lord's will and timing with our sweet Katie.  Here are some excerpts from that beautiful article on "Timing":
    "The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  Faith means trust - trust in God's will, trust in His way of doing things, and trust in His timetable.  We should not try to impose our timetable on His....The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing.  If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?  The same is true with the second coming and with all those matters wherein our faith needs to include faith in the Lord's timing for us personally, not just in His overall plans and purposes.
    "...Indeed, we cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord's will and in the Lord's timing.  In our service in the Lord's Church we should remember that when is just as important as who, what, where and how.
    "...The Lord's timing also applies to the important events of our personal lives.  A great scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants declares that a particular spiritual experience will come to us "in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will" (D&C 88:68).  This principle applies to revelation and to all of the most important events in our lives: birth, marriage, death and even our moves from place to place. 
   "It is not enough that we are going in the right direction.  The timing must be right....Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives.  Many important things will occur in our lives that we have not planned, and not all of them will be welcome.  Even our most righteous desires may elude us or come in different ways or at different times than we have sought to plan.
   "...Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us for whatever life brings.  This kind of faith prepares us to deal with life's opportunities - to take advantage of those that are received and to persist through the disappointments of those that are lost.  In the exercise of that faith, we should commit ourselves to the priorities and standards we will follow on matters we do not control and persist faithfully in those commitments, whatever happens to us because of the agency of others or the timing of the Lord.  When we do this, we will have a constancy in our lives that will give us direction and peace.  Whatever the circumstances beyond our control, our commitments and standards can be constant.
   "...Wise are those who make this commitment: I will put the Lord first in my life, and I will keep His commandments.  The performance of that commitment is within everyone's control.  We can fulfill that commitment without regard to what others decide to do, and that commitment will anchor us no matter what timing the Lord directs for the most important events in our lives.
    "...If we have faith in God and if we are committed to the fundamentals of keeping His commandments and putting Him first in our lives, we do not need to plan every single event - even every important event - and we should not feel rejected or depressed if some things - even some very important things - do not happen at the time we had planned or hoped or prayed. 
   "Commit yourself to put the Lord first in your life, keep His commandments, and do what the Lord's servants ask you to do....Faith and trust in the Lord give us the strength to accept and persist, whatever happens in our lives...
   "Stand ready to accept the Lord's planning and the agency of others in matters that inevitably affect you.  Plan, of course, but fix your planning on personal commitments that will carry you through no matter what happens.  Anchor your life to eternal principles, and act upon those principles whatever the circumstances and whatever the actions of others.  Then you can await the Lord's timing and be sure of the outcome in eternity. 
   "The most important principle of timing is to take the long view.  Mortality is just a small slice of eternity, but how we conduct ourselves here - what we become by our actions and desires, confirmed by our covenants and the ordinances administered to us by proper authority - will shape our destiny for all eternity.  As the prophet Amulek taught, 'This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God' (Alma 34:32).  That reality should help us take the long view - the timing of eternity." (Timing, Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, October 2003, 10 -17).

Day 137

    We spent some time with my family yesterday, it was a good day.  My family is leaving today, which is always hard.  I am glad we were able to spend time with them.  I am glad my mom was able to make the trip - I know it was hard on her - but it was good to have her here.  We are so grateful that Katie was feeling good and so strong this week.  She is an amazing girl!
     We have started a daily pill with Katie verses the 3 times a day mouth care (hot mouth wash and a thick yucky tasting medication she was supposed to swish and then swallow).  I don't know how they expected a two year old (or her parents) to do that mouth care.  I don't know why the pill wasn't offered to begin with.  But I am SO glad there is a pill!  The pill is to try and prevent fungus or yeast sores in Katie's mouth and throat - which is a serious concern the next couple of months - as we go into the second half of this particular phase we are in.  Katie's counts will drop and that is when the sores become a probability.  We are continuing to hope for the best.  Katie has beat all the odds so far, and has exceeded the doctor's expectations on how well she has tolerated treatments.  We have been greatly blessed!
     "The righteous need not fear" (1 Nephi 22:17).  "You don't need to fear your past being revealed if you have tried to live a life of honor and character.  You don't need to fear the future if you walk in meekness and trust the Lord and His promises.  You don't need to fear the present if you are doing your best to live the gospel, repent, sincerely pray, keep the commandments, and honor your covenants.  Where there is deep faith and perfect love, there is no fear (1 John 4:18); where there is willing obedience and submission, there is victory over trepidation; where there is righteousness, there is confidence and trust in the Lord.  Things will work out; they always do.  It may not be just the way we expect, or just the way we want, but the Lord is merciful and kind: he will uphold, sustain, and strengthen us all along life's twists and turns if we truly strive for righteousness.  All will be well." (Lloyd D. Newell, He Shall Fulfill All of His Promises, 162).

Day 136

     Yesterday was just as amazing as the day before!  So far today, it is the same.  Katie is strong and energized!  Although, she did wake up twice during the night crying (screaming crying) and it took some doing to calm her down.  I can only attribute that to the steroids.  Katie seems to be having a hard time emotionally coming off of the steroids.  But for the most part, all is well. 
     We had a family party last night for all of my family who is in town this week.  We had quite the herd of children here.  It was great!!  I am my mother's daughter, for me (just like her), it is all about the kids having fun.  I think we all had a fun time together.  I love having family come visit.  It is such a pick me up - for Katie and me.  I am glad they are here.  We are so grateful for all of the prayers offered on Katie's behalf.  I know she is doing as well as she is because of prayers and the blessings that come.  So please keep praying!!!
     "Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee" (Deuteronomy 31:6).  "Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell (my computer block wont let me type the word) combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail...Look unto me in every thought; doubt not , fear not" (D&C 6:34, 36).  "The Lords promises are sure:  He will not fail or forsake those who turn to Him, trust Him, and obey Him.  We need not fear the forces of evil around us.  We need not be afraid of the adversary and his minions.  We need not tremble to go into the world if we have the confidence of the Lord in our hearts and a testimony in our souls.  Strength comes from putting our trust in the Lord; courage comes of humbly turning our hearts to God.  How comforting to know that in a world of deception and corruption there is a fount of wisdom and light, a reliable source of truth, a trustworthy place to which we can turn!" (Llyod D. Newell, He Shall Fulfill All of His Promises, 355)

Day 135

     Yesterday was a strange but amazing day.  You would think Katie got vitamin shots on Wednesday instead of chemo.  Katie was strong yesterday - stronger than she has been in a long time.  She walked everywhere and wanted to do everything by herself.  Like I said...it was strange and amazing - and we are glad!  The steroids are still very much in her system though.  After I dropped Conner at preschool yesterday morning, I asked Katie, "So what do you want to do this morning?"  She didn't reply at first, so I made a couple of suggestions to which she said no.  Then she said, "I want to eat something that tastes good!"  And eat she did - all day!!  I am again surprised but glad she didn't have any nausea and felt well enough to eat!  The insomnia from the steroids is kicking in a little too.  She was so perky yesterday that she couldn't even fall asleep for her nap - she tried - but she never fell asleep (that has never happened before).  She also woke up a couple of times last night.  One time she came walking into our room and said, "I can't sleep very good!"  Hopefully all of that will wear off soon. 
     I can only attribute yesterday to the power of prayer - there is no other explanation.  On Wednesday, even the doctor and nurse said they couldn't believe how good she looked.  They commented on it a couple of times.   They would really be surprised if they could have seen her yesterday!  Scott couldn't believe it when I picked him up from work - he said, "Wow, she is perky!  That is strange, but I'm grateful."  We are very grateful!  Thank you so much for your prayers!  They are helping!!
     This quote is a little random, but I liked it.  During the 2010 General Relief Society Meeting, President Monson said, "Life is perfect for none of us.  Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life.  May we recognize that each one is doing her best to deal with the challenges which come our way, and may we strive to do our best to help out." (Church News, March 3, 2012, 16).  I have learned from my experiences the past several years that we are all in different places on our journey.  We are so inept to judge each other, because no one can really know what others have gone through or why they are behaving the way they are.  I think we are all trying to do our best - and sometimes we just need a little help from each other to see us through.  I am grateful for the support our family has been given. 

Day 134

     As predicted, yesterday morning was difficult for Katie.  I am glad for the support Katie and I had.  My husband, Scott, and my sister-in-law, Janna, came with us to the clinic.  Janna stayed with Katie and I for the day.  It was another long one!  My brother, Scott, and my mom took care of Conner.  I am grateful to Scott and Janna for taking time away from "their" family to help with "mine".
     Katie seemed okay last night.  She woke up in a cold sweat from a nap she had in the late afternoon, but other than that, she seemed to do okay.  I expect it all to catch up with her in a couple of days.  She is off the steroids for this week, thankfully!  It will take her a few days to let that get out of her system.  Then Katie will start steroids again next week, after our next appointment - which will be on Thursday rather than Wednesday because Katie's doctor isn't working on Wednesday.  I am glad Katie will have the extra day to recoup.
     I am tired.  Scott is tired.  Emotionally tired.  Physically tired.  I am tired of cancer.  I am tired of appointments.  I am tired of things being hard.  I am tired of the stress and the worry.  I am tired of seeing Katie hurt.  I am tired of coping.  I am tired.  There are no days "off" with cancer.  It's not like we can just go on vacation and forget it.  I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am just tired.  But... Katie just woke up, and she did so with a BIG smile on her face.  If she can do it, so can I!  So...on we go.
     "All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God." (Orson F. Whitney (quote), Tragedy or Destiny, 4).  I do believe my heart will now always be more tender.  My empathy for others has enlarged.  I pray I will ever after be more charitable and more worthy to be called His child.

Day 133

     I was fine when I went to bed last night, but I woke up at 5:22 a.m. and was gripped by a sense of fear and sadness.  Scott and I both had bad dreams all night.  I was worried this morning because Katie hadn't woken up during the night, which is unusual (now).  Katie wakes up at least one time a night. So I wondered if she was okay, but I was too afraid to check on her (in case she wasn't), so I had Scott go see if she was okay.  She is okay.  I am not so sure I am...It makes me sad what we are going to do to her today.  I can't believe we have to take her back in this morning.  It is too much too soon!  On Monday Katie cried the whole way to the hospital, saying, "I don't want to go, I don't want to go...I want to go home."  I told her I didn't want to go either, but we had to go, to get the medicine to get rid of her cancer.  I never tell her we are going to the clinic until the last minute, because it upsets her so much.  She was particularly upset on Monday and I feel sure she will be even more upset today, because she isn't used to having to go so often.  Scott offered to come with us this morning and stay with us until Katie's port gets accessed.  I am grateful!  (We are trying to save his time off for the harder days ahead, but I am grateful he is taking some time off this morning to help me get her to the clinic and get started).
     Today I am glad Katie has been able to sleep, despite the steroids (and in spite of the fact that her sleeping so soundly caused me some fear this morning).  She needs the rest and I am glad she is getting it.  The steroids tend to cause insomnia - they certainly did last time - but we haven't experienced that this time.  I am grateful! - For all our sakes!!  Katie took two naps yesterday and spent the majority of the day resting.  She perked up a little bit yesterday late afternoon/evening, as we had a surprise!  G.G. (Grandma Nygren, my mom) came for a visit!  Two of my brothers and their families are in town for Spring Break (Scott & Kirk).  My brother Scott brought my mom.  We had talked about it, but my mom said she wasn't up to it - I guess she changed her mind - or Scott changed it for her.  Anyway, it will be great to have her here.  We are glad for the company!
     "The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him."  (Nahum 1:7)  The Lord is good and I do trust in Him - today in my day of "trouble" and always.
    
    
    
    
    

Day 132

     We were at the clinic for six hours yesterday.  I wasn't expecting it to be such a long visit, but it was.  It was a hard day.  We go back tomorrow for two more doses of chemo.  The steroids are also taking their toll on Katie.      
     Although, I do have a funny story.  Katie gets certain cravings while on steroids.  For some reason, this time, she craves a balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing I make (and I make it with extra balsamic vinegar - so it has a very strong flavor).  Katie requests this dressing several times a day and has several helpings it, along with a glass of milk.  Katie doesn't want salad with the dressing, or celery, or crackers or bread, or anything like she normally would eat it.  She wants the dressing put on a plate and she says, "I want to lick it like a dog."  Me: "You want to lick it like a dog?"  Katie: "Yes, I want to lick it like a dog!"  Me: "Uhhh...okay" (I can reason with Katie, but no one can reason with Katie on steroids!)  So on a plate it is - and she licks it "like a dog".  She alternates licking with a sip of milk.  She licks and then says, "Whew, that's spicy!"  Then she takes a drink, licks again, says that again, and takes another drink.  This happens multiple times a day.  It is quite a funny thing to watch.
     How is Katie doing?  It is hard to say.  She looks good.  Her eyes look sick.  She is extremely moody.  She is sweet.  She is weak.  She is strong.  She is determined.  She is lethargic.  She is happy.  She is sad.  She is playful.  She just lays there.  It is a mix of things right now.  It is a roller coaster for her and us.  She is brave and courageous.  Katie has such a wonderfully sweet and soft disposition.  She has taken all of this on with an amazing amount of grace and strength.  Today I am glad for her example.  Katie is an amazing child - she has an amazing spirit within her.  I feel so honored and privileged to be her mother.
     "Tests and trials are given to all of us.  These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son....Does this mean we will always understand our challenges?  Won't all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, 'O God, where art thou?'  Yes!... Yes, 'weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord saying, 'Thy will be done'...."In my 'Gethsemane' and yours, we are not alone.  He that watches over us 'shall neither slumber nor sleep.'..."They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."(Isaiah 40:31) (Elder Robert D. Hales, Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done, Ensign, November 2011, 72-73).

Day 131

     Katie and I go to the clinic this morning.  Katie will be getting one dose of chemo today.  She has had this particular type of chemo only one time before, when she was in the hospital at Cardons.  At Cardons, for some reason, they opted to give it to her the hard way.  They gave her two simultaneous shots in her legs (which took three nurses and Scott to hold her down and inject her).  Whereas today, at PCH, they will give her this same type of chemo intravenously through her port.  I am not sure why they did it the hard way at Cardons, but today I am grateful that she will be getting it through her port.  I can't say I am glad about it - because chemo is something I am never glad to put into my daughter's body.  However, I can say I am glad for the positive effects of the chemo, to which she is responding, and we pray that she will be shielded from the negative side effects (short term and long term).
     President Spencer W. Kimball said, "God controls our lives, guides and blesses us, but gives us our agency.  We may live our lives in accordance with his plan for us or we may foolishly shorten or terminate them.
     "I am positive in my mind that the Lord has planned our destiny. Sometime we'll understand fully, and when we see back from the vantage point of the future, we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life that are so difficult for us to comprehend.
     "We sometimes think we would like to know what lies ahead, but sober thought brings us back to accepting life a day at a time and magnifying and glorifying that day.  Sister Ida Allredge gave us a thought-provoking verse:
'I cannot know the future, nor the path I shall have trod,
   But by that inward vision, which points the way to God
I would not glimpse the beauty or joy for me in store,
   Lest patience ne'er restrain me from thrusting wide the door.
I would not part the curtains or cast aside the veil,
   Else sorrows that await me might make my courage fail;
I'd rather live not knowing, just doing my small mite;
   I'd rather walk by faith with God, than try alone the light.'   
(Tragedy or Destiny?, 11).

Day 130

     Katie had a better day yesterday than we anticipated.  Katie spent some "special time" with dad yesterday morning while I took Conner swimming with his cousins.  Katie can't swim because of her port.  Katie's mood lifted a little yesterday - she is moody but her sweetness is still coming through the majority of the time.  Although she is weak and tired. 
     Conner made it through the week without the "cast" and without sucking his thumb.  He said he is "done".  What seemed to be a difficult task, ended up having a simple solution - duct tape.  =)
     A special thanks today to my brother and sister-in-law, Brent & Krista, for "adopting" Nathan into their family this week.  What potentially could have been Nathan's worst Spring Break, turned into a great one, thanks to their generosity and kindness.  Today we are glad for their love and support, it gives us strength.
"Life is mostly froth and bubble,
   Two things stand like stone,
Kindness in another's trouble,
   Courage in your own."
(Adam Lindsey Gordon)

Day 129

     The steroids are starting to take over...Katie is VERY different from how she was just a couple of days ago.  A couple of days ago she was laughing, running, playing, all smiles and sunshine.  Yesterday she didn't play at all (even when her cousins came over) she barely walked during the day, she was weak and really moody.  It is strange to see some of the same behaviors return - like only wanting mommy, no one else can touch her or look at her without her getting upset.  The steroids haven't completely taken over though, we can still get smiles and when she woke up this morning (early) she said, "Thank you for the kisses...you're my sweet mama."  She is sweet!!  But then the grumpiness set in, for now it is coming and going.  Sneaking the steroids in at night has proven to be difficult.  I had to go through several sets of pill last night trying to sneak it in, the last attempt was some what successful but not easy. 
     Katie goes back to the clinic on Monday for another dose of chemo and then again on Wednesday for two more doses of chemo.  We are not looking forward to that!  Today we are glad Katie woke up happy.   We are happy for the sweet "moments" and that Katie is doing as well as she is.
     "Isaiah assured his people that the God who 'measured the waters in the hollow of his hand...and weighed the mountains in scales, and...sitteth upon the circle of the earth...giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength' (Isaiah 40:12, 22, 29).  Notice that Isaiah does not indicate the Lord will remove the burdens life may place upon us; rather he increases our ability to carry them." (What the Scriptures Teach Us About Adversity, S. Michael Wilcox, 46).

Day 128

     Katie is very determined!  She just keeps going - she goes and goes and goes until she drops exhausted.  She is doing good.  Her face was flushed yesterday and I could tell she didn't feel well by her eyes.  I don't know how other people display sickness - but on my mom's side of the family, you can tell we are sick by our eyes (my grandmother, my mom, me, Katie).  Anyway...Katie seems to be tolerating this first dose pretty well.  She will probably get weaker within the next day or two, as it seems to take a few days for the full effect to set in.  She has a little tummy trouble, but we can medicate for that.  As for the steroids, she is hungry, picky and a little temperamental - but not too bad (yet).  Thankfully, slipping the steroids into her first bite of oatmeal worked yesterday and today!  Last night I got it in a bite of yogurt, but that was the only bite she took - so I don't know if that will work again tonight.  I might have to think of something else...
     Katie is the sweetest little thing!  Today we are glad for oatmeal and for Katie's sweetness.  She brings so much joy to our lives!  This morning, I take comfort in this short and simple poem by Julian of Norwich:
"All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things
shall be well."

Day 127

     Watching your child be put to sleep by anesthesia is difficult, no matter what.  Each time Katie goes for a Lumbar Puncture, she has a different anesthesiologist.  We had an issue yesterday with the anesthesiologist - we did not like his "style".  He came and spoke to us before hand, as they all do.  But when we went into the procedure room, he didn't say a word to us or Katie.  He just reached in from behind Katie and clamped the mask down on her face and held it there.  She was terrified!  I was horrified!  She was kicking and screaming and clawing at the mask.  All I had time to do was hold her and talk to her - quickly trying to explain what was happening and to "please don't be afraid".  I was SO angry at that man!  Scott and I walked out of the room shell shocked.  As the nurse escorted us to the waiting room, she asked, "are you guys okay?"  I didn't even know what to say!  I couldn't believe what had just happened.  I said to Scott, "That was the worst one yet.  That was horrible!"  He agreed, and he told me we will never allow that to happen again - and we won't!!  Katie may not remember it - but we always will! 
     Katie tolerated yesterday's treatment very well.  Her back was hurting and she had a tummy ache, but after a nap, she felt better.  We were able to go to dinner with my brother (Brent) and his family.  When we got home we had some troubles.  Katie's tummy started hurting again, so we gave her some anti-nausea medicine.  She did okay through the night - she was only up twice.
     They have loaded us up with things to do at home again.  Katie cries and screams, "I don't like it!  I don't like it!"  Yah...well, we don't like it either.  We have to give her two steroid pills in the morning and two at night.  Along with an antacid.  Then I am supposed to do mouth care with her three times a day.  Brush her teeth, use a mouthwash (that she isn't supposed to swallow) and then a yucky mouth medication that she is supposed to swish (and then swallow).  Three times a day?  Along with the other extremely bitter medication (steroids & antacid) twice a day?  With Katie, who won't take any medication at all, for any reason?  Are they kidding!?  So....the battle begins again.  And it is a battle with Katie - each time and every time - 5 times a day.  That makes ME want to cry!!!  I hate it as much as she hates it!  I am going to work my way into this mouth care thing, it is not totally necessary at this moment, but it soon will be, and the doctor wants her to be in the habit.  I get that, but I also get that I can only do so much all at once without totally making things completely awful for all of us here at home, all day long!  
     This phase will last between two and three months.  Scott reminded me of that last night.  He said it is going to be a HARD few months, but then this part will be done.  We just have to get through it.  Katie has grown some blond fuzz on her head and that will all fall out again during this phase.  The doctor said to expect her to start crashing some time in the beginning of April - meaning she won't make counts and may need a blood or platelet transfusion.  That is when she could get the mouth fungus or sores, etc...  They expect her to get really weak again, so I am making a weekly appointment for physical therapy.  All this plus the difficult side effects of the steroids.  I will definitely need to look for the small and simple things in life to enjoy during this time - because there is no "golden ticket" here! 
     Jacob De Jager said: "Boldly face disappointments and the pains that accompany them.  If you deny them or hide them from view, the chances are great that you will become worn out and fail" (New Era, March 1984, 7).  We will take it as it comes the next few months.  I am not very good at rolling with the punches - but I am going to try and roll. =)  So...I am now going to go and crush up some steroid pills and try and find a bite of something I can "hide" it in.  Chocolate ice cream didn't do the trick yesterday...I think I will try to hide it in a bite of oatmeal this morning (with lots of brown sugar)....One yucky bite and the rest sweet.  Today I am glad Katie handled yesterday as well as she did.  That is a blessing!  Thank you for your prayers!    

Day 126

Katie made counts today. They have already given her two types of chemo through her port. We are now waiting for her to go in for her Lumbar Puncture.

Day 125

     In some ways Katie seems a little stronger - that may be because her cousins (Jacob, Ryan and Tyler) are here for Spring Break and she is pushing herself to keep up with them and her brother. 
   With this extra week off, she should be stronger, and she should make "counts" tomorrow.  Something still seems a little "off" to me though...but like I said, she should make counts.  I will post something tomorrow morning from the clinic (on the iPad) once I know if we are going to proceed.  If we proceed, she will be getting the Lumbar Puncture/Spinal Tap, plus an additional two other types and doses of chemo - along with starting the steroids.  Please keep Katie in your prayers!
     "In the beloved children’s story Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the mysterious candy maker Willy Wonka hides a golden ticket in five of his candy bars and announces that whoever finds one of the tickets wins a tour of his factory and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

     Written on each golden ticket is this message: “Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket… ! Tremendous things are in store for you! Many wonderful surprises await you! … Mystic and marvelous surprises … will … delight, … astonish, and perplex you.”

     In this classic children’s story, people all over the world desperately yearn to find a golden ticket. Some feel that their entire future happiness depends on whether or not a golden ticket falls into their hands. In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar. The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket.

     So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about. For some, the golden ticket may be a perfect marriage; for others, a magazine-cover home or perhaps freedom from stress or worry.

     There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings—we hope and seek after things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.” The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event—our golden ticket—to appear.

     "...The lesson here is that if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

     This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

     The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy" (Ensign, November, 122).

     Today I am glad for this reminder by President Uctdorf!  - Looking for beauty and sweetness in everyday moments!

Day 124 (Photos) Worth a 1,000 Words

Lots and Lots of Ice Cream

More Please!

Catching the Smiles When We Can

Sweet

Lots of Hugs

Lehi Days Rodeo

Katie Got Scared of the Pony

Conner Going for a Ride

Hat Sideways and Glasses Upside Down - the Norm

Lots of Kisses

The "Cast"

The "Reward"

Love the New Swings!

Come on Katie, "It's Not Scary!"

"Watch Me"




Our Sunshine Girl!

Day 123

     Scott will stay home from church with Katie and Conner today, since he and Conner are still sick and because Katie isn't allowed to be out in public right now with her low immune system.  Scott and I will probably have to start taking turns again staying at home with Katie on Sundays.
     Scott attached the deck and slide on our play system yesterday (even though he was sick).  We had opted for a scoop slide (straight) verses a wave slide, because we were worried the wave slide would bump her around too much.  The only problem is, the angle of our slide is very steep.  We didn't even think about that!  It is a fast ride down!  Scott put Katie on the slide after Conner, and it scared Katie, now she is terrified of it!  That was very frustrating for Scott, as he spent the day out there yesterday fixing it.  Katie can't always go to the park because of her immune system, so we wanted her have something fun to play on in our backyard - and she loves slides - but she is terrified of ours!!  Conner loves it though.  He told Scott yesterday evening, "Thank you for building this for us, I really really like it a lot!"  I am sure with a little time, Katie will too. 
     Today is Scott's and my 6th wedding anniversary.  A lot has happened in six years!  President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion"...."We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly.  It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills of difference become great mountains of contention.  The voice of heaven is a still, small voice; likewise, the voice of domestic peace is a quiet voice."  "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).  Today I am glad for a soft spoken husband.

Day 122

     Katie has been battling the sniffles for the past week, thankfully she seems better this morning.  Conner has also been sniffly with a little cough, but he isn't better yet.  Poor Scott has it the worst, which is unusual, he very rarely gets sick - but he has a bad cough, headache, etc...  I am teetering on the edge, but I'm doing better than the rest of them.  Nathan isn't sick at all.  Lucky boy! =)  We were worried about Katie, but like I said, she seems better today, not worse.  So we are glad for that!
     1 John 3:2 says: "Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is."  President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "You and I are sons and daughters of God, with something of divinity within us.  Let us stand tall, my brothers and sisters.  Let us live the gospel.  Let us be busy in the church.  Let us learn of its doctrine.  Let us feed upon its teachings.  Let us grow in faith and faithfulness before the world (Stand a Little Taller)."  President Boyd K. Packer said, "You are a child of God.  He is the father of your spirit.  Spiritually you are of noble birth, the offspring of the King of Heaven.  Fix that truth in your mind and hold to it" (Ensign, May 1989). 

Day 121

     Katie is sweet and she is doing fine.  We are all glad for the extra time we have to prepare for what is coming.  I can tell she is still not feeling very strong (physically) but hopefully with a few more days she will get stronger. 
     Conner is doing a super job not sucking his thumb.  The fake cast is working.  Oh, the power of duct tape!  =)
     Romans 12:2, 12:  "And be not conformed to this world:  but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.  Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer."

Day 120

     Just in case anyone missed the update, Katie did not make "counts" yesterday, so they sent us home.  We will go back to the clinic next Wednesday and try again.  Today we are glad Katie has another week to get stronger. 
     Katie has grown an inch and lost a pound this past month.  We could tell she was looking long and lean, but it was still a bit of a surprise.  Another surprise was we knew Katie would be starting steroids, but we didn't know the steroids will be double the dose she had before.  So even though she won't be on them as long, the doctor said because of the higher dosage and because she starts and stops them, this will actually be harder on her body.  We are NOT looking forward to the side effects of the steroids!  No doubt she will gain that pound back, but WE will also gain back the "roid rage" and the insomnia.  Plus, the combination of chemo and steroids will make Katie very weak, so we will need to take her to physical therapy.
     I learned a lot of new things yesterday (none of them good).  The doctor and nurse were very emphatic about the difficulty of this next phase.  They wanted to make sure we knew and were prepared.  It is going to be a long two months or more!  We were told to anticipate this being similar to the beginning phase (as far difficulty) and to anticipate a possible hospital stay.  We also learned other things...for example, one of the new chemos she will be doing can damage her heart (low risk but possible) - which we knew - what we didn't know was how slow acting it is.  Katie won't get an EKG until 5 years from now, because the damage won't show up until then!  (Crazy!)  We also found out that after Katie's 2+ years of treatment, she will continue to go in for blood tests and a check-up, every month for the first 6 months.  Then she will go in every 2 months for tests for a year and a half, and then she will go in every 3 months until 5 years after her treatment ended (Katie will be just about 10 years old at that time!)  After that she will have a check up once a year until she turns 18.  They will be checking to see if Katie's cancer returns and also to check for long term effects of the chemo.  So....we are in this for the long haul.
     Romans 8:16-18 "The spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:  And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.  For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." 

Day 119 (Update)

Katie didn't make counts - so no chemo today. Her blood counts were okay, but her ANC (immune system) is low. We are scheduled to go back next Wednesday, So she can have another week to gather up her strength.

Day 119

     Well...We are here at the clinic.  Please keep our Katie in your prayers!  That is what we will be glad for today -- all of your prayers!
     "What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us"  (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

Day 118

     Katie is doing okay, not great, but okay.  We think her "counts" will come within the normal range tomorrow (just the low end of normal).  So, we are expecting to proceed with her next phase of treatment in the morning.
   Tomorrow Katie will get another Lumbar Puncture (spinal tap) of chemo and she will also be given 2 additional doses of chemo in her port.  Katie will also be starting on steroids again, double doses each day (am and pm).  She will do the steroids for 7 days and then go off for 7 days and then back on for another 7 days.  So, the effects of the steroids won't be as intense as they were last time, but she (and we) will still experience the effects. 
     After tomorrow, Katie will go back 5 days later (next Monday), to get another treatment of chemo, and then again, 2 days later on Wednesday, for a different dose of chemo.  (Lots of chemo in a short period of time!  Plus steroids!!)  During this phase, she will be doing some different types of chemo, that we haven't done before.  Because of the new types of chemo she will be doing, she will need additional testing done, to ensure that her organs aren't being damaged (as these types of chemo can damage her heart, liver, kidneys, etc..) 
     This particular phase lasts 8 weeks - probably longer if her counts go low, then they have to delay treatment and it will drag out longer than the 8 weeks.  We have been told to expect that.  We have also been told this will be a particularly hard phase, the second half, being the hardest.  Obviously, this is not something we have been looking forward to, but we will go forward with faith.
     "Therefore it is of faith, that it might be by grace" (Romans 4:16).  Neal A. Maxwell assures us that Jesus Christ will help us through our afflictions: "When we take Jesus' yoke upon us, this admits us eventually to what Paul called the 'fellowship of Christs sufferings'.  Whether illness or aloneness, injustice or rejection,...our comparatively small-scale sufferings, if we are meek, will sink into the very marrow of the soul.  We then better appreciate not only Jesus' sufferings for us, but also His matchless character, moving us to greater adoration and even emulation.  Alma revealed that Jesus knows how to succor us in the midst of our griefs and sicknesses precisely because Jesus has already borne our griefs and sicknesses (Alma 7:11-12).  He knows them firsthand; thus His empathy is earned.  Of course, we do not comprehend it fully any more than we understand how He bore all mortal sins, but His atonement remains the rescuing and reassuring reality" (CR 1997).
     "Ah Lord God!  behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm and there is nothing too hard for thee" (Jeremiah 32:17).  "God is my strength and my power" (2 Samuel 22:33).  I found these scriptures this morning and take comfort in them.  Because of some things going on in the peripheral of our life, my anxiety has increased, and I woke up today feeling overwhelmed, anxious and afraid.  Scott told me to "Let it go".  I said, "Oh Scott, I wish I could!"  I have been teaching Conner how to use scissors - how to cut and paste.  Wouldn't it be great if we could do the same in our own lives?  Cut and paste things we do and do not want in our life.  I wish it were that simple.  Scott told me to pray and turn it over to God, to tell Him I can't do it all, or deal with it all - to turn it over to Him.  I followed my husbands counsel. 
     Today I am glad for a good husband.  I am glad "nothing is too hard" for God.  I know He is "my strength and my power".  Katie just woke up and couldn't make it down the stairs by herself, so she called to me, "Mommy I need you!"  Yes, Katie needs me, and oh, how I need Our Father!  I am grateful He responded to my "call", just as I responded to Katie's.  I am grateful for the assurances given me today through my husband, scriptures and prayer!

Day 117

     Katie starts a new phase of treatment on Wednesday, that will be more intensive than before.  It has been hard not to think about that.  Especially when, I guess, I was expecting her to just keep sailing through this last treatment, just as she had all the others during this phase.  (I know...I posted last week about letting go of expectations to find more peace in life, but I hadn't realized I was "expecting" anything until now).  Anyway, Katie has gotten noticeably weaker over this past weekend.  I wonder what her "counts" will be when we go in on Thursday.  Her color still looks okay, but there has been a definite change in her!  She is weaker and more lethargic.  Her tummy was hurting last night, so Scott and I took turns getting up with her throughout the night.   It has been quite awhile since she has had trouble through the night like that. 
     I was hoping she would start this new phase feeling strong.  I know they won't start the new treatment plan if her counts are down, because she does need to be at least within a normal range to begin - I just wanted her to be "strong"!  If I were to be completely honest, I would have to say, I am scared to start this next phase.  It hurts so much to see her hurting, sick and weak.  It has been so good to see her "healthy" this past couple of months.  I may be putting the cart before the horse here, because we aren't there yet - but it is hard not to worry.  I feel so helpless to help her when she is hurting and that hurts me.  I wish I could save her from all of this - protect her - take it away from her - do it for her.  But all I can do is hold her hand and let it happen.  It breaks my heart!
     Here is a poem that I like and have had for many years, I do not know the author, it is called "The Weaver". 

"My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride,
Forget that He seeth the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,
and the shutters cease to fly,
shall God unroll the canvas,
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weavers skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned."

     I am glad to know my Heavenly Father loves me.  I am glad to know that I am His child.  I am glad to know he will take care of my Katie, in times and in ways, I can't.  I am glad to know that my Redeemer lives - "What comfort this sweet sentence gives!"  He lives, and because He lives, I know that no matter what happens with Katie now, she too will live.  I am glad to know we are an eternal family.  What comfort that sweet sentence gives!!

Day 116

     We gave Katie some anti-nausea medication yesterday morning and she seemed fine the rest of the day.  We went to Lehi Days (a family rodeo).  We go every year and love it.  Katie didn't eat her BBQ lunch, but she did eat a popsicle and a little bit of cotton candy. =)   Scott grew up in Lehi, so he knows a lot of people there.  It was interesting yesterday, as we talked to people, how many said, "I had cancer... My wife had cancer.... My adult son has cancer..."  It was just another reminder, that we are not alone in our struggles.  One woman yesterday, told us she was going through a divorce and had just found out (two weeks ago) that her 21 year old son had been accidentally killed.  She still has young children at home, and I could feel her pain as she spoke.  There are so many people are having to deal with hard things.  I am so glad for our knowledge of the gospel and that we have our faith to see us through our difficult times.
     I may have already used this quote, but even if I have, it is worth repeating.  "Nothing is going to startle us more when we pass through the veil to the other side than to realize how well we know our Father and how familiar His face is to us.  God loves us.  He is watching us.  He wants us to succeed.  We will know some day that He has not left one thing undone for the eternal welfare of each of us.  If we only knew it, heavenly hosts are pulling for us - friends in heaven that we cannot now remember who yearn for our victory.  This is our day to show what we can do - what life and sacrifice we can daily, hourly, instantly make for God.  If we give our all, we will get His all from the greatest of all" (Ensign, Dec 1988, 6).

Day 114 & 115

     Katie woke up with the shakes this morning, she does that sometimes, but this morning it seemed worse.  She complained of her tummy hurting, so Scott and I rubbed it.  I told Scott she looked a little pale.  Katie asked for milk, (she says that makes her tummy feel better).  Guess, that didn't work...as Katie threw up.  Glad Scott was home.  He is calmer than I am!    
     Scott and I had a nice little get away.  Upon returning home yesterday afternoon, Conner told me, "I didn't even cry for you."   To which Katie replied, "I didn't cry either!"  Thanks to Scott's mom for spending the night and taking care of them.  She has been such a huge help and blessing to us!  Since this began, I have come to realize and appreciate the importance of having family nearby.  I told Scott just yesterday that I always want to live near family - either his or mine.  I am grateful for my family and all the support they have given us.  But like my mom always says, "I wish we lived closer to each other."  I wish we did too!  We are also grateful to our "ward family" for the help and support they have given.  We are glad we are surrounded by such good people!
     President David O. Mckay taught: "That man is most truly great who is most Christlike.  What you sincerely in your heart think of Christ will determine what you are, will largely determine what your acts will be....By choosing him as our ideal, we create within ourselves a desire to be like him, to have fellowship with him" (Improvement Era, June 1951, 408).  "Therefore, what manner of man ought ye to be?  Verily I say unto you, even as I am."  (3 Nephi 27:27)

Day 113

     Katie is having a good week.  She still complains of an occasional tummy ache, but if she takes a bath or her daddy rubs her tummy, she says she feels "better".  Also, like I said, she is falling down more.  She seems to "buckle" at the ankle.  It is a strange thing to watch.  Her ankle twists right out from under her and she goes down.  She stands up, takes a step, her ankle twists again, and she goes down.  She just keeps getting back up and trying again, until either her legs work or (until I can't take it) and grab her and carry her.  However, she insists she wants to walk.  She is very determined (and a bit stubborn) - both qualities have served her well!  Katie is still as cheerful as always - she brings so much light and joy to our family!
     Conner is having success with his "thumb cast".  However, he has had troubles sleeping.  Since day one of the cast, he hasn't been able to fall asleep at nap time.  So, in attempting to get rid of the thumb sucking, I think we have done away with nap time as well!  Because of this, you would think he would fall right asleep at night, but that is not the case.  Overall though, I think this is going to work for him.  Yeah!!
     So....along with my need to get more humor back into my life, I have been informed (by my husband and multiple family members) that I need to learn to relax.  Which is funny!  I can remember even as a little girl, sitting in piano lessons and the teacher always telling me to relax, "You need to relax - relax, relax, relax!"  Yah...So, if I couldn't do it then, as a child in piano lessons, then it certainly is a challenge now, with all that is going on! =)   
     I am a thinker and a worrier.  I have a hard time shutting off my brain.  Because of that, I have a hard time relaxing.  However, this is my first step towards "recovery" - admitting.  My next step, is to let go of "expectations" and "lighten up".  Dr. Richard Carlson said, "The root of being uptight is our unwillingness to accept life as being different, in any way, from our expectations.  Very simply, we want things to be a certain way but they're not a certain way.  Life is simply as it is.  Perhaps Benjamin Franklin said it best: 'Our limited perspective, our hopes and fears become our measure in life, and when circumstances don't fit our ideas, they become our difficulties.'  We spend our lives wanting things, people, events to be just as we want them to be - and when they're not, we fight and we suffer.
     "The first step in recovering from over seriousness is to admit that you have a problem.  You have to want to change, to become more easy going.  You have to see that your own uptightness is largely of your own creation - it's composed of the way you have set up your life and the way your react to it.
     "The next step is to understand the link between your expectations and your frustration level.  Whenever you expect something to be a certain way and it isn't, you're upset and you suffer.  On the other hand, when you let go of your expectations, when you accept life as it is, you're free.  To  hold on is to be serious and uptight.  To let go is to lighten up."  (A suggested practice is to approach a single day without expectations.  For example, don't expect people to be friendly.  If people aren't friendly, you won't be bothered by it.  If they are, you'll be delighted.  Don't expect your day to be problem free...)  "Rather than fighting against life, you'll be dancing with it.  Pretty soon, with practice, you'll lighten up your entire life.  And when you lighten up, life is a lot more fun." (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's All Small Stuff, 205)
     Today I am glad for how light hearted Katie is.  I think she can teach me a thing or two - actually, I think she already has - but there is still more I can learn from her!  I hope she never looses her ability to laugh and to love whole heartily!  She is a ray of sunshine.  (I will not be posting anything tomorrow, my husband is going to whisk me away for a day for our anniversary!) =)