Day 117

     Katie starts a new phase of treatment on Wednesday, that will be more intensive than before.  It has been hard not to think about that.  Especially when, I guess, I was expecting her to just keep sailing through this last treatment, just as she had all the others during this phase.  (I know...I posted last week about letting go of expectations to find more peace in life, but I hadn't realized I was "expecting" anything until now).  Anyway, Katie has gotten noticeably weaker over this past weekend.  I wonder what her "counts" will be when we go in on Thursday.  Her color still looks okay, but there has been a definite change in her!  She is weaker and more lethargic.  Her tummy was hurting last night, so Scott and I took turns getting up with her throughout the night.   It has been quite awhile since she has had trouble through the night like that. 
     I was hoping she would start this new phase feeling strong.  I know they won't start the new treatment plan if her counts are down, because she does need to be at least within a normal range to begin - I just wanted her to be "strong"!  If I were to be completely honest, I would have to say, I am scared to start this next phase.  It hurts so much to see her hurting, sick and weak.  It has been so good to see her "healthy" this past couple of months.  I may be putting the cart before the horse here, because we aren't there yet - but it is hard not to worry.  I feel so helpless to help her when she is hurting and that hurts me.  I wish I could save her from all of this - protect her - take it away from her - do it for her.  But all I can do is hold her hand and let it happen.  It breaks my heart!
     Here is a poem that I like and have had for many years, I do not know the author, it is called "The Weaver". 

"My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride,
Forget that He seeth the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,
and the shutters cease to fly,
shall God unroll the canvas,
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weavers skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned."

     I am glad to know my Heavenly Father loves me.  I am glad to know that I am His child.  I am glad to know he will take care of my Katie, in times and in ways, I can't.  I am glad to know that my Redeemer lives - "What comfort this sweet sentence gives!"  He lives, and because He lives, I know that no matter what happens with Katie now, she too will live.  I am glad to know we are an eternal family.  What comfort that sweet sentence gives!!