 |
| Happy Holidays! |
Monday, December 23, 2013
Day 775
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! Katie is doing well. She was able to "participate" in her preschool program this past week (she sat in a chair and smiled - she was too weak to stand - and too shy to sing). But she was happy to be there and we were glad too!
The increase in her high dose steroids (after her treatment) have wrecked havoc on her this week! She has had low blood sugar episodes every day! Once at 3 am - just prior to my alarm going off to feed her, and then all the other episodes have occurred around 6 am (which is so weird because she eats and drinks so much at 3!) It has been unsettling and frustrating. I haven't slept much or well, for worrying about her.
We are excited and ready for Christmas! We will be spending the holidays with my family in New Mexico. I have not been "home" for Christmas since 2005. We have gone to New Mexico each year for New Years, but this will be my first Christmas with my family, since Scott & I got married. We are excited for Conner and Katie to share their Christmas excitement with G.G. (my mom). We have lots of fun things planned - and Katie & Conner are excited to play with their cousins.
We had a dark cloud try and douse our peace and joy this past week...But the "storm" has passed (for now). However, as the week progressed, this talk by Elder Ulisses Saores stood out in my mind:
"Chirstlike attributes are gifts from God. These attributes come as we use our agency righteously....With a desire to please God, we have to recognize our weaknesses and be willing and anxious to improve.
"Meekness is vital for us to become more Christlike. Without it we won't be able to develop other important virtues. Being meek does not mean weakness, but it does mean behaving with goodness and kindness, showing strength, serenity, healthy self-worth, and self-control.
"Meekness was one of the most abundant attributes in the Savior's life. He Himself taught His disciples, ""Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart.""
"....Christ asks us to "take up our cross daily," meaning that it must be a constant focus and desire....and we should instill this feeling in the hearts of our children....that they may learn to behave properly before Him under all circumstances.
"By controlling our reactions, being calm and temperate, and avoiding contention, we will qualify for the gift of meekness.
"...I believe the Savior Jesus Christ is the supreme example of meekness. Even during the last moments of His mortal life, being unfairly accused and condemned, painfully carrying His cross up to Golgotha, being mocked and cursed by His enemies, being abandoned by many who knew him and had witnessed His miracles, He was nailed on the cross.
"Even after the most intense physical suffering, the Lord tuned to His Father and spoke from the bottom of His meek and humble heart: ""Father forgive them; for they know not what they do."" Christ faced extreme physical and spiritual suffering, giving us the opportunity to change our spiritual character and become meek like Him.
"I bear my witness that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I testify to you that, thanks to His love, it is possible to change. It is possible to leave our weaknesses behind. It is possible to reject the evil influences in our lives, control our anger, become meek, and develop the attributes of our Savior. He showed us the way. He gave us the perfect example and commanded each one of us to become as He is. His invitation to us is to follow Him, follow His example, and become like Him."
("Be Meek and Lowly of Heart" Ensign, Nov 2013).
The increase in her high dose steroids (after her treatment) have wrecked havoc on her this week! She has had low blood sugar episodes every day! Once at 3 am - just prior to my alarm going off to feed her, and then all the other episodes have occurred around 6 am (which is so weird because she eats and drinks so much at 3!) It has been unsettling and frustrating. I haven't slept much or well, for worrying about her.
We are excited and ready for Christmas! We will be spending the holidays with my family in New Mexico. I have not been "home" for Christmas since 2005. We have gone to New Mexico each year for New Years, but this will be my first Christmas with my family, since Scott & I got married. We are excited for Conner and Katie to share their Christmas excitement with G.G. (my mom). We have lots of fun things planned - and Katie & Conner are excited to play with their cousins.
We had a dark cloud try and douse our peace and joy this past week...But the "storm" has passed (for now). However, as the week progressed, this talk by Elder Ulisses Saores stood out in my mind:
"Chirstlike attributes are gifts from God. These attributes come as we use our agency righteously....With a desire to please God, we have to recognize our weaknesses and be willing and anxious to improve.
"Meekness is vital for us to become more Christlike. Without it we won't be able to develop other important virtues. Being meek does not mean weakness, but it does mean behaving with goodness and kindness, showing strength, serenity, healthy self-worth, and self-control.
"Meekness was one of the most abundant attributes in the Savior's life. He Himself taught His disciples, ""Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart.""
"....Christ asks us to "take up our cross daily," meaning that it must be a constant focus and desire....and we should instill this feeling in the hearts of our children....that they may learn to behave properly before Him under all circumstances.
"By controlling our reactions, being calm and temperate, and avoiding contention, we will qualify for the gift of meekness.
"...I believe the Savior Jesus Christ is the supreme example of meekness. Even during the last moments of His mortal life, being unfairly accused and condemned, painfully carrying His cross up to Golgotha, being mocked and cursed by His enemies, being abandoned by many who knew him and had witnessed His miracles, He was nailed on the cross.
"Even after the most intense physical suffering, the Lord tuned to His Father and spoke from the bottom of His meek and humble heart: ""Father forgive them; for they know not what they do."" Christ faced extreme physical and spiritual suffering, giving us the opportunity to change our spiritual character and become meek like Him.
"I bear my witness that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I testify to you that, thanks to His love, it is possible to change. It is possible to leave our weaknesses behind. It is possible to reject the evil influences in our lives, control our anger, become meek, and develop the attributes of our Savior. He showed us the way. He gave us the perfect example and commanded each one of us to become as He is. His invitation to us is to follow Him, follow His example, and become like Him."
("Be Meek and Lowly of Heart" Ensign, Nov 2013).
Friday, December 13, 2013
Day 765
Katie had her LAST spinal tap (lumbar puncture) this week!... It didn't exactly go smoothly, but it is over... Our appointment was at 7:30 a.m. and while we were still in the waiting room, Katie told me she wanted a chocolate milk. (She was fasting for the procedure and couldn't have anything). She kept saying she wanted a chocolate milk - "Please Mommy, Please!" And then she told me she was having a low blood sugar. I asked Scott, "Do you think she is really having a low blood sugar, or do you think she is just saying that because she wants a chocolate milk?" - We weren't sure because she wasn't symptomatic (yet) - but Katie told me a couple more times that her blood sugar was low. Thankfully Dr. Dana walked through the waiting room right then. She wasn't working in clinic that day, so our appointment was with another doctor, however she stopped to talk to us. She asked how we were doing...I told her I thought Katie might be having a low blood sugar, but we weren't sure...we talked a little more about some other things...then Katie told me again she was having a low blood sugar. I told Dr. Dana I thought Katie's sugar must be low. Dr. Dana immediately took us in and told the nurse and doctor to start an IV stat! As one nurse was getting the IV ready, another nurse took Katie's blood sugar - and it was low! Katie was right, she knows her body and she knows when her blood sugar is low. Katie was extremely upset and very symptomatic at this point, and it took them awhile to get the IV in. It was very stressful and upsetting! (As always) I felt so helpless! Katie lay in my arms screaming, crying, and pleading "Please Mommy Please! (chocolate milk)... No Mommy No! (poke and IV)..." She was so upset and I seriously thought her blood sugar was going to drop so low that she was going to go unconscious. It was terrible! (I was so glad Scott was there with us). They gave Katie 450 cc's of Dextrose (which they said was a lot) - and then they disconnected her from the IV and sent us over to the hospital for Katie's procedure. I told them the last time they let us walk over with the IV, and we kept Katie on the IV the whole time. Again, they told me, Katie had gotten a lot of the Dextrose and they were sure she wouldn't need anymore. - Well, they were wrong.
Katie's procedure was supposed to start at 9:30, but we were still waiting at 10:30. I don't know why - Katie was supposed to be first because of her hypoglycemia. I just know that Katie started telling me she was "so hungry and needed to eat... Please Mommy Please!" And then she started acting upset and lethargic. I told Scott, "I think her blood sugar is dropping again." I asked Katie if her blood sugar was low and she told me it was. We got the nurse - and they tested her - and her sugar was low - again. So, it was another rush to get the IV hooked up. It was upsetting and stressful! (If this wasn't our last time, I would have voiced my concerns and frustrations about how things went - but doing so at that point wouldn't have made a difference one way or the other - what was done was done). The nurses were amazed that Katie can tell us when her blood sugar is low.
After the procedure they let us go back and sit with Katie while she was waking up. I made the mistake of sending Scott back to the clinic (to get some things they had forgotten to give us). In all the times we have done this (which has been a lot), we have never had a problem like this with Katie waking up. But right after Scott left, Katie started coughing, she was still under the anesthesia, and she couldn't clear her throat. She kept coughing and coughing, but she wasn't able to inhale. I called the nurse over and told her, "I don't think she can breathe....She can't breathe!" The nurse took Katie's oxygen mask off and turned on a long suction tube, and started sucking out Katie's throat. When she stopped, Katie started coughing again, and it was obvious Katie was still struggling to breathe. I told the nurse, "She still can't breath... She can't breathe!" I felt the panic rising in me. (How I wished Scott was there!) The nurse suctioned out Katie's throat again...and then all was well...(except for my emotions and my heart!) We also experienced something else that we hadn't before, several of the other children waking up had difficulties, and there was a lot of crying and moaning going on. Overall, it was a very stressful day.
Later that night, Scott told me, "In some respects this is harder on us, than it is on her." - In some respects it is - But boy, she has it the hardest! The doctor increased Katie's steroids for this month (and next) - and the effects are very evident. It is hard. I told Scott, "I know this was her last spinal, and she only has one more chemo to go through, but that doesn't make this any less difficult." However, it does intensify my gratitude that we are almost through.
As we were waiting for Katie to wake up from her procedure, we met a mom who has a 4 year old son, who was diagnosed with the same type of Leukemia as Katie. However, he doesn't have the right number of chromosomes and so his prognosis of survival is only 50-70% (whereas Katie's is 85-90%). It is hard to fathom how something so small can make such a difference. It almost makes me feel guilty in some ways. There are so many children and parents out there who are not as fortunate as we are and my heart aches for them. Katie has the right number of chromosomes. How blessed we are! How blessed we have been! We are very hopeful and have every reason to believe that Katie will recover from this and live a full life. We had some real scares along the way, however we are out of the woods and are moving into the light. Almost as symbolism of this, Katie's hair that had started falling out a few months ago, has started to grow back in. She has little hairs covering her head and filling in all the bare spots. She (and we) are progressing and moving forward. Katie is going to be fine and we are GLAD!
Katie's procedure was supposed to start at 9:30, but we were still waiting at 10:30. I don't know why - Katie was supposed to be first because of her hypoglycemia. I just know that Katie started telling me she was "so hungry and needed to eat... Please Mommy Please!" And then she started acting upset and lethargic. I told Scott, "I think her blood sugar is dropping again." I asked Katie if her blood sugar was low and she told me it was. We got the nurse - and they tested her - and her sugar was low - again. So, it was another rush to get the IV hooked up. It was upsetting and stressful! (If this wasn't our last time, I would have voiced my concerns and frustrations about how things went - but doing so at that point wouldn't have made a difference one way or the other - what was done was done). The nurses were amazed that Katie can tell us when her blood sugar is low.
After the procedure they let us go back and sit with Katie while she was waking up. I made the mistake of sending Scott back to the clinic (to get some things they had forgotten to give us). In all the times we have done this (which has been a lot), we have never had a problem like this with Katie waking up. But right after Scott left, Katie started coughing, she was still under the anesthesia, and she couldn't clear her throat. She kept coughing and coughing, but she wasn't able to inhale. I called the nurse over and told her, "I don't think she can breathe....She can't breathe!" The nurse took Katie's oxygen mask off and turned on a long suction tube, and started sucking out Katie's throat. When she stopped, Katie started coughing again, and it was obvious Katie was still struggling to breathe. I told the nurse, "She still can't breath... She can't breathe!" I felt the panic rising in me. (How I wished Scott was there!) The nurse suctioned out Katie's throat again...and then all was well...(except for my emotions and my heart!) We also experienced something else that we hadn't before, several of the other children waking up had difficulties, and there was a lot of crying and moaning going on. Overall, it was a very stressful day.
Later that night, Scott told me, "In some respects this is harder on us, than it is on her." - In some respects it is - But boy, she has it the hardest! The doctor increased Katie's steroids for this month (and next) - and the effects are very evident. It is hard. I told Scott, "I know this was her last spinal, and she only has one more chemo to go through, but that doesn't make this any less difficult." However, it does intensify my gratitude that we are almost through.
As we were waiting for Katie to wake up from her procedure, we met a mom who has a 4 year old son, who was diagnosed with the same type of Leukemia as Katie. However, he doesn't have the right number of chromosomes and so his prognosis of survival is only 50-70% (whereas Katie's is 85-90%). It is hard to fathom how something so small can make such a difference. It almost makes me feel guilty in some ways. There are so many children and parents out there who are not as fortunate as we are and my heart aches for them. Katie has the right number of chromosomes. How blessed we are! How blessed we have been! We are very hopeful and have every reason to believe that Katie will recover from this and live a full life. We had some real scares along the way, however we are out of the woods and are moving into the light. Almost as symbolism of this, Katie's hair that had started falling out a few months ago, has started to grow back in. She has little hairs covering her head and filling in all the bare spots. She (and we) are progressing and moving forward. Katie is going to be fine and we are GLAD!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Day 760
We had another fun week together. We had the opportunity (from Hopekids) to go to the Nutcracker Ballet, and we loved it. I wasn't sure Conner would like it, but to my surprise he seemed to enjoy it more than Katie did, he was mesmerized by it. At one point during the ballet, Katie leaned over to her dad and asked, "Dad, why is that man a ballerina?" Of course Scott chuckled and said something like," I don't know, men shouldn't be ballerina's should they..." So then Katie leaned over to me and asked me the same question, and I told her, "Because he is a good dancer - look how high he can jump and how many turns he can do in the air." Katie still seemed perplexed by the idea. The music was wonderful, the lighting and costumes beautiful, and the dancing enchanting. It was a very nice night out.
We have also been busy getting everything ready for Christmas. Scott hung the outdoor Christmas lights yesterday, and we made sugar cookies together as a family. Katie and I made the dough, Scott rolled it out, and Katie and Conner helped cut out the cookies and decorate them - and then we all enjoyed eating them! Last night we went to a toy train display, saw Santa Claus, and then we went out to dinner. Zach is in town, and he joined in on our festivities. It was another fun day together.
However, our fun is going to come to a screeching halt this week. Katie is getting a spinal tap and IV chemo on Wednesday. I had the foresight to ask the doctor to have an IV of fluids ready for Katie upon our arrival at the clinic. We do not want her blood sugars to drop like they did last time (if we can possibly avoid it). Katie is always scheduled first thing in the morning due to her hypoglycemia... This round of chemo is extra hard on her - and it is especially hard if she needs to get an IGG infusion as well (we won't know if she needs that until they do her blood tests). BUT this will be her LAST spinal tap! We are so GLAD!!! (Just one more IV chemo next month - and then she is done!)
"Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others. It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values. It is peace because we have found peace in the Savior’s teachings. It is the time we realize most deeply that the more love is expended, the more there is of it for others."
(Thomas S. Monson, "Christmas Is Love", 2012 First Presidency Christmas Devotional, December 2012)
We have also been busy getting everything ready for Christmas. Scott hung the outdoor Christmas lights yesterday, and we made sugar cookies together as a family. Katie and I made the dough, Scott rolled it out, and Katie and Conner helped cut out the cookies and decorate them - and then we all enjoyed eating them! Last night we went to a toy train display, saw Santa Claus, and then we went out to dinner. Zach is in town, and he joined in on our festivities. It was another fun day together.
However, our fun is going to come to a screeching halt this week. Katie is getting a spinal tap and IV chemo on Wednesday. I had the foresight to ask the doctor to have an IV of fluids ready for Katie upon our arrival at the clinic. We do not want her blood sugars to drop like they did last time (if we can possibly avoid it). Katie is always scheduled first thing in the morning due to her hypoglycemia... This round of chemo is extra hard on her - and it is especially hard if she needs to get an IGG infusion as well (we won't know if she needs that until they do her blood tests). BUT this will be her LAST spinal tap! We are so GLAD!!! (Just one more IV chemo next month - and then she is done!)
"Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others. It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values. It is peace because we have found peace in the Savior’s teachings. It is the time we realize most deeply that the more love is expended, the more there is of it for others."
(Thomas S. Monson, "Christmas Is Love", 2012 First Presidency Christmas Devotional, December 2012)
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Day 753
We had a nice Thanksgiving with Scott's family. Katie still has a cough, but she is feeling better. We had a fun weekend together as a family - playing games, playing in the yard and at the park, and going to Peter Piper Pizza.
Katie gets her big dose of chemo next week and so we are getting in the fun while we can. We have much to be thankful for and we feel very blessed. Our lives and home have taken on a newfound sense of peace - and we are glad!
"A grateful person is rich in contentment. An ungrateful person suffers in the poverty of endless discontentment." (David A. Bednar, "The Windows of Heaven")
Katie gets her big dose of chemo next week and so we are getting in the fun while we can. We have much to be thankful for and we feel very blessed. Our lives and home have taken on a newfound sense of peace - and we are glad!
"A grateful person is rich in contentment. An ungrateful person suffers in the poverty of endless discontentment." (David A. Bednar, "The Windows of Heaven")
Monday, November 25, 2013
Day 747
Last week was Conner's 6th birthday! We worried his party would be a disappointment due to the rain spoiling some of our fun - or worse, that his party would have to be canceled all together because Katie was sick. Katie had an off and on fever for 48 hours, that hovered at 100 degrees - if her fever had gone up even slightly, she would have ended up in the hospital. We are glad to report that Katie's fever broke, and the rain stopped at just the right time, allowing us to put up the jump house. Conner had a fabulous birthday party, and it was a great day for us all!
Katie still has a bad cough, so we are watching her closely. And she is still having struggles with her blood sugars, so we are watching her closely on that as well... I wonder how all this "watching her closely" will effect her in the long run. Katie is timid and shy by nature anyway, and now she has this added "carefulness." She is always telling Conner and her friends to be gentle with her so she doesn't break any bones. She is correct in doing so, as her bones are fragile, due to all the chemo. I just wonder if all this carefulness will make her more cautious as her life goes on... Time will tell...
"A seed of faith is already planted in your heart. ... But, like a growing plant, it must be nurtured or it will wither. Frequent and heartfelt prayers of faith are crucial and needed nutrients. Obedience to the truth you have received will keep the testimony alive and strengthen it. Obedience to the commandments is part of the nourishment you must provide for your testimony." (Henry B. Eyring, "A Living Testimony")
Katie still has a bad cough, so we are watching her closely. And she is still having struggles with her blood sugars, so we are watching her closely on that as well... I wonder how all this "watching her closely" will effect her in the long run. Katie is timid and shy by nature anyway, and now she has this added "carefulness." She is always telling Conner and her friends to be gentle with her so she doesn't break any bones. She is correct in doing so, as her bones are fragile, due to all the chemo. I just wonder if all this carefulness will make her more cautious as her life goes on... Time will tell...
"A seed of faith is already planted in your heart. ... But, like a growing plant, it must be nurtured or it will wither. Frequent and heartfelt prayers of faith are crucial and needed nutrients. Obedience to the truth you have received will keep the testimony alive and strengthen it. Obedience to the commandments is part of the nourishment you must provide for your testimony." (Henry B. Eyring, "A Living Testimony")
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Day 739
Katie got her monthly dose of IV chemo this week (on Tuesday) - and things didn't exactly go smoothly. For some reason the nurses had a difficult time getting the IV in. It took 5 nurses and 4 pokes in different spots to finally get the IV in (with "fishing" each time trying to get the vein). Dr. Dana said, it might have something to do with all the steroids Katie is on... It was hard on Katie. Plus Scott wasn't there to help us, because he had to stay home with Conner, who was sick with a fever and the croup. So, not our best day.
Katie has been feeling the effects of the chemo and steroids. On the up side of things though, when Katie is on the heavy steroids she doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night to eat (for 5 nights) - and that has been nice for both of us! Katie is especially glad to have a 5 day break from taking the cornstarch (which she absolutely despises taking).
We are glad there are only 2 treatments left! One type of chemo Katie has been given has caused her to get "flat feet" - her feet are not only flat, they are actually starting to roll inward. (I know that sounds odd, but it is a side effect). Dr. Dana said we will need to make an appointment with an Orthopedic doctor, once the chemo is done. We also don't know what to expect with Katie's blood sugars once chemo is done... But we hope that will resolve itself. We hope.
"“When we follow Jesus Christ, we act as He would act and love as He would love."" (Russell M. Nelson, "The Work of Salvation: Parable of a Father at Bedtime")
Katie has been feeling the effects of the chemo and steroids. On the up side of things though, when Katie is on the heavy steroids she doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night to eat (for 5 nights) - and that has been nice for both of us! Katie is especially glad to have a 5 day break from taking the cornstarch (which she absolutely despises taking).
We are glad there are only 2 treatments left! One type of chemo Katie has been given has caused her to get "flat feet" - her feet are not only flat, they are actually starting to roll inward. (I know that sounds odd, but it is a side effect). Dr. Dana said we will need to make an appointment with an Orthopedic doctor, once the chemo is done. We also don't know what to expect with Katie's blood sugars once chemo is done... But we hope that will resolve itself. We hope.
"“When we follow Jesus Christ, we act as He would act and love as He would love."" (Russell M. Nelson, "The Work of Salvation: Parable of a Father at Bedtime")
"There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: 'Judge not.'" (Thomas S. Monson, "Charity Never Faileth")
"Coveting, pouting, or tearing others down does not elevate your standing, nor does demeaning someone else improve your self-image. So be kind, and be grateful that God is kind. It is a happy way to live." (Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Laborers in the Vineyard", Ensign, May 2012)
Friday, November 8, 2013
Day 730 - 2 Years!
Well, that's interesting... Somehow I was off count by 39 days (my last post date was "Day 769" and today is supposed to be "Day 730"). My miscounting days on the blog is perhaps somewhat insightful of this past year. Last year, I managed to end the year exactly on "Day 365." ...Maybe the days have just seemed longer, or have multiplied as time has gone on... I don't know. (Maybe it is that I have been waking up at 3 a.m. to feed Katie her "middle of the night snack" for too long, and I am a little tired and fuzzy in my thinking.) But we are at 2 years today - 730 days of battling Leukemia!
My heart is tender and my mind and body are tired. I will not be able to write even a portion of what I feel. When this started, "2 years" seemed so long and terribly far away, and yet now here we are. Three more treatments to go, and then Katie will be done. It has been a long and difficult 2 years. Katie has been through so much - we all have - in our own way.
I love my husband. This morning I reminded him that today was the 2 year mark and he said, "It has been a good 2 years." My jaw dropped and I said, "Really?" To which he replied, "Yes, we have Katie, and we have been blessed, lots of good things have happened in the past 2 years." He is right. I am so thankful for Scott - his strength, his love, his support, his optimism. He always tends to see the good and I am so glad. Scott is constant, strong and steady. I am so grateful to be his wife, and to be able to walk hand in hand with him, sharing in the joys and the sorrows that life brings... He has helped pull me through!
I love Conner. That poor sweet boy has been through so much in his young life. So much trauma, conflict, confusion, and loss for such a little one (for anyone). Conner is strong, and he is rising above it all. He is loyal and his love runs deep. Conner loves his sissy Katie and I love him for that. He has held her hand and hugged her neck so many times during the past two years when Katie has needed her "Conner... Conner...Conner." He is a good boy. He lights up my life. His hugs can make anything better. He has a zest for life and a sense of adventure. He loves to know how things work and how they are made. He is all boy, but he is also incredibly sweet and sensitive. How I love that little man of mine!
I love Katie. She is full of strength and sunshine. She is always ready with a big smile, a tight hug, and kind loving words. She is nurturing and loving. She loves to laugh - and laugh heartily. She loves to learn and she loves to play. Katie is a helper - she likes to help cook, clean, fold clothes, and mop the floor. She loves to be good and do good. Katie is strong and courageous. She has endured much and she has endured it well. Her sweetness is beyond description, but oh, how sweet she is! She has filled our lives with love and laughter. She has been our sunshine through the rain. She has strengthened us and she has brought so much joy into our lives. Every day with her has been a gift. How blessed we are to have her!
I love my family for supporting and helping us through. My family came to my rescue when I was in need. I am grateful for all the many different ways they have shown love and support. I am so grateful that my mother is still alive and can listen - it has helped so much - to be able to talk to my mom. I have missed having my dad here to hold me - but I have felt his strength and love - helping us from the other side of the veil. I love friends, near and far, who have prayed for us and helped us. I love Scott's parents. I am so grateful to Marie (Scott's mom) for helping me, on a daily basis, when Katie was at her worst. We truly have been blessed and we are so grateful!
I love Heavenly Father. I am grateful for His promise, "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." His promises are sure and true. He has blessed, watched over, and strengthened us. I am grateful for a living prophet who reminds us: "Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were - better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.
"Only the Master know the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.'
"Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change.
"...May we have a commitment to our Heavenly Father that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives...May we strive to be close to our Heavenly Father. To do so, we must pray to Him and listen to Him every day. We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." ("I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee," Thomas S. Monson, Oct. 2013, Gen. Conference)
My heart is tender and my mind and body are tired. I will not be able to write even a portion of what I feel. When this started, "2 years" seemed so long and terribly far away, and yet now here we are. Three more treatments to go, and then Katie will be done. It has been a long and difficult 2 years. Katie has been through so much - we all have - in our own way.
I love my husband. This morning I reminded him that today was the 2 year mark and he said, "It has been a good 2 years." My jaw dropped and I said, "Really?" To which he replied, "Yes, we have Katie, and we have been blessed, lots of good things have happened in the past 2 years." He is right. I am so thankful for Scott - his strength, his love, his support, his optimism. He always tends to see the good and I am so glad. Scott is constant, strong and steady. I am so grateful to be his wife, and to be able to walk hand in hand with him, sharing in the joys and the sorrows that life brings... He has helped pull me through!
I love Conner. That poor sweet boy has been through so much in his young life. So much trauma, conflict, confusion, and loss for such a little one (for anyone). Conner is strong, and he is rising above it all. He is loyal and his love runs deep. Conner loves his sissy Katie and I love him for that. He has held her hand and hugged her neck so many times during the past two years when Katie has needed her "Conner... Conner...Conner." He is a good boy. He lights up my life. His hugs can make anything better. He has a zest for life and a sense of adventure. He loves to know how things work and how they are made. He is all boy, but he is also incredibly sweet and sensitive. How I love that little man of mine!
I love Katie. She is full of strength and sunshine. She is always ready with a big smile, a tight hug, and kind loving words. She is nurturing and loving. She loves to laugh - and laugh heartily. She loves to learn and she loves to play. Katie is a helper - she likes to help cook, clean, fold clothes, and mop the floor. She loves to be good and do good. Katie is strong and courageous. She has endured much and she has endured it well. Her sweetness is beyond description, but oh, how sweet she is! She has filled our lives with love and laughter. She has been our sunshine through the rain. She has strengthened us and she has brought so much joy into our lives. Every day with her has been a gift. How blessed we are to have her!
I love my family for supporting and helping us through. My family came to my rescue when I was in need. I am grateful for all the many different ways they have shown love and support. I am so grateful that my mother is still alive and can listen - it has helped so much - to be able to talk to my mom. I have missed having my dad here to hold me - but I have felt his strength and love - helping us from the other side of the veil. I love friends, near and far, who have prayed for us and helped us. I love Scott's parents. I am so grateful to Marie (Scott's mom) for helping me, on a daily basis, when Katie was at her worst. We truly have been blessed and we are so grateful!
I love Heavenly Father. I am grateful for His promise, "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." His promises are sure and true. He has blessed, watched over, and strengthened us. I am grateful for a living prophet who reminds us: "Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were - better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.
"Only the Master know the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.'
"Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change.
"...May we have a commitment to our Heavenly Father that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives...May we strive to be close to our Heavenly Father. To do so, we must pray to Him and listen to Him every day. We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." ("I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee," Thomas S. Monson, Oct. 2013, Gen. Conference)
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Day 769
 |
| Preschool "Parade" |
 |
| Lots of jewels |
 |
| Excited to "Trick or Treat" |
 |
| Bored with taking pictures |
 |
| Our knight in shining armor & our pretty little princess! |
We had a fun Halloween. Conner and Katie both had parties at their schools. Later that day we went to a ward party for "trunk or treat" and then to the hospital to see Grandma (so Grandma could see our sweet knight and pretty princess). Scott's mom is still in the hospital, but she is doing fine.
It appears that Katie's low blood sugar last week was due more to "randomness" that to anything I did or didn't do - as she has had 2 more low blood sugar episodes since then. We can't wait for this to be over with! And the end is in sight - and for the first time (this past week) I can feel the "relief" coming. I am glad!
Last night Katie asked her dad how many more days she had to take medicine, to which Scott replied, "90 days." Katie said, "Wow, that's still a lot!" Scott told her, "It sounds like a lot, but it really isn't." (It kind of does still sound like a lot - 3 months sounds better!) ....But we are getting there. I just hope this blood sugar issue goes away when the medications go away! Overall, we are doing well, and we are very hopeful for the future.
"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important." (Thomas S. Monson, "Love at Home--Counsel from Our Prophet")
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Day 762
Just yesterday I thought, "It is such a relief that Katie's blood sugars have stabilized (by all we are doing to stabilize it) and I am so glad we are not having to worry about it anymore - at least I hope not." ...And then Katie had a low blood sugar at 4:00 a.m. this morning! There might be a few things that contributed to that (other than just the usual randomness of it). I had taken Katie & Conner to the park last night and we had a picnic dinner and played. Katie didn't eat much dinner because she was excited about playing. The bedtime snack she ate probably wasn't sufficient enough (plus I gave it to her a little earlier than usual). And then when my alarm went off at 3:15 a.m. I turned it off, and unfortunately dosed off, instead of getting up immediately. Katie awoke me around 4, by crying out. When I went in her room to check on her she said, "I need juice." I touched her and sure enough, she was in a clammy full body sweat! A low blood sugar (confirmed by the glucose meter). It was a terrible way to wake up - for both of us. It just reaffirms how important it is to be constantly on guard and very exact in following the protocol... and waking up as soon as the alarm goes off. (Katie and I are so tired - literally - of having to wake up at 3 a.m.)
We also had a scare with Scott's mom this week. They thought she was having a heart attack, but it turned out to be a huge blood clot in her aorta (the main vessel to her heart). It was an extremely large clot, and the doctor said if she hadn't gotten to the hospital when she did, she could have died. She spent 3 days in ICU, and she is still in the hospital.
We continue to deal with our other challenges as well... However, we are glad Katie is doing well over all. She was able to go back to school at the end of the week, and she was able to go to a friends birthday party. Katie enjoys learning, doing her school work, coloring, drawing, painting, cutting, gluing, and she loves to play outside. She loves jumping on the trampoline and swinging "as high as a bee...as high as the sky."
Scott and I have been watching a BBC series called "Lark Rise to Candleford." We have loved every minute of it! It has been a great diversion and we have enjoyed it immensely. At the end of Season 1 Episode 10, the narrator makes this statement: "It takes time, and sorrow, and experience to teach us the worth of the things that truly matter - and the things that truly matter are here, right here." I find this to be very true.
We also had a scare with Scott's mom this week. They thought she was having a heart attack, but it turned out to be a huge blood clot in her aorta (the main vessel to her heart). It was an extremely large clot, and the doctor said if she hadn't gotten to the hospital when she did, she could have died. She spent 3 days in ICU, and she is still in the hospital.
We continue to deal with our other challenges as well... However, we are glad Katie is doing well over all. She was able to go back to school at the end of the week, and she was able to go to a friends birthday party. Katie enjoys learning, doing her school work, coloring, drawing, painting, cutting, gluing, and she loves to play outside. She loves jumping on the trampoline and swinging "as high as a bee...as high as the sky."
Scott and I have been watching a BBC series called "Lark Rise to Candleford." We have loved every minute of it! It has been a great diversion and we have enjoyed it immensely. At the end of Season 1 Episode 10, the narrator makes this statement: "It takes time, and sorrow, and experience to teach us the worth of the things that truly matter - and the things that truly matter are here, right here." I find this to be very true.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Day 754
We had an enjoyable Fall Break in New Mexico. Scott wasn't able to go with us, because he needed to work overtime in order to pay some upcoming expenses. Katie cried every day (usually more than once a day) for her Daddy. We had fun, but we missed Scott, and we were glad to come home to him again. (Our computer wasn't working this week. So, I wasn't able to post on the blog).
Katie went to the clinic on Tuesday for her monthly dose of chemo. I can't believe another month has gone by!... Katie also needed an IGG infusion, so it ended up being a really long day. Katie "only" has 3 more months of treatments left. I haven't really felt a sense of relief about that yet, but I am so glad the end is near!
Right now we are dealing with the effects of the chemo and the heavy steroids - it is not fun or easy for any of us (it is miserable really), but we are making it through it.
I recently read the following quotes in the Church News (Week of September 22, 2013):
"We are not born into this world with fixed habits. Neither do we inherit a noble character. Instead, as children of God, we are given the privilege and opportunity of choosing which way of life we will follow - which habits we will form.
"Confucius said that the nature of men is always the same. It is their habits that separate them.
"Good habits are not acquired simply by making good resolves, though the thought must precede the action. Good habits are developed in the workshop of our daily lives. It is not in the great moments of test and trial that character is built. That is only when it is displayed. The habits that direct our lives and form our character are fashioned in the often uneventful, commonplace routine of life. They are acquired by practice.
"We need to organize our lives according to gospel principles and chart a right course as we journey toward eternal life. In the conduct of our lives we learn that good character-building habits mean everything. It is by such behavior that we harvest the real substance and value of life. The way we live outweighs any words we may profess to follow" (Elder Delbert L. Stapley, 1972 General Conference).
"We sow our actions, we reap our habits; we sow our habits, we reap our characters; we sow our characters, and we reap our destiny" (C.A. Hall).
Katie went to the clinic on Tuesday for her monthly dose of chemo. I can't believe another month has gone by!... Katie also needed an IGG infusion, so it ended up being a really long day. Katie "only" has 3 more months of treatments left. I haven't really felt a sense of relief about that yet, but I am so glad the end is near!
Right now we are dealing with the effects of the chemo and the heavy steroids - it is not fun or easy for any of us (it is miserable really), but we are making it through it.
I recently read the following quotes in the Church News (Week of September 22, 2013):
"We are not born into this world with fixed habits. Neither do we inherit a noble character. Instead, as children of God, we are given the privilege and opportunity of choosing which way of life we will follow - which habits we will form.
"Confucius said that the nature of men is always the same. It is their habits that separate them.
"Good habits are not acquired simply by making good resolves, though the thought must precede the action. Good habits are developed in the workshop of our daily lives. It is not in the great moments of test and trial that character is built. That is only when it is displayed. The habits that direct our lives and form our character are fashioned in the often uneventful, commonplace routine of life. They are acquired by practice.
"We need to organize our lives according to gospel principles and chart a right course as we journey toward eternal life. In the conduct of our lives we learn that good character-building habits mean everything. It is by such behavior that we harvest the real substance and value of life. The way we live outweighs any words we may profess to follow" (Elder Delbert L. Stapley, 1972 General Conference).
"We sow our actions, we reap our habits; we sow our habits, we reap our characters; we sow our characters, and we reap our destiny" (C.A. Hall).
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day 738
Katie had a pretty good week. Although she did have another low blood sugar this week, and that was disconcerting. We have increased her daily steroid and we hope that will solve the problem. We are glad she has been able to go to preschool and have fun with her friends.
We are going to New Mexico for Fall Break to spend time with my mother and my family. We are glad for the chance to get away for awhile and have some fun. I found two quotes that I wanted to share this week.
"In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace." (Henry B. Eyring, "Mountains to Climb," Ensign, May 2012)
"We pray with trust for strength and guidance - just as our forebears did. That's what it means to walk with faith in every footstep. It was so for our pioneer ancestors, and it must be so for us today. We must instill in our children and grandchildren the same spirit that drove the footsteps of the pioneers.... We must ever be on our guard that we do not become casual in keeping God's commandments, in abiding by His laws, and in being honest and trustworthy in all that we do.... May we find the strength and courage to face our future as they faced theirs." (M. Russell Ballard, "Pioneer Faith and Fortitude—Then and Now")
We are going to New Mexico for Fall Break to spend time with my mother and my family. We are glad for the chance to get away for awhile and have some fun. I found two quotes that I wanted to share this week.
"In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace." (Henry B. Eyring, "Mountains to Climb," Ensign, May 2012)
"We pray with trust for strength and guidance - just as our forebears did. That's what it means to walk with faith in every footstep. It was so for our pioneer ancestors, and it must be so for us today. We must instill in our children and grandchildren the same spirit that drove the footsteps of the pioneers.... We must ever be on our guard that we do not become casual in keeping God's commandments, in abiding by His laws, and in being honest and trustworthy in all that we do.... May we find the strength and courage to face our future as they faced theirs." (M. Russell Ballard, "Pioneer Faith and Fortitude—Then and Now")
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Day 734
Katie finished her heavy dose of steroids on Monday. I never thought I would be glad for the 5 days of heavy dose steroids, because they take such a toll on Katie, but now in some ways I am glad. During that 5 day period, I don't have to wake Katie up in the middle of the night to feed her, and she doesn't have to take the corn starch before bed - which she says tastes disgusting (and it makes her gag). Plus, Katie's rash clears up during those 5 days - for some reason. - And sleeping through the night is a beautiful thing for both of us!
However as the heavy steroid wears off, we always have to worry about the hyperglycemia. We thought we had it managed with the low dose daily steroid, Proglycem medication, bedtime snack, 3 am snack, and corn starch - but Katie had another low blood sugar this week. Scott said he thought it was because she got such a heavy dose of chemo this time... But nobody really knows when it is going to happen, or why it happens. So it is always a worry. Plus, her rash is coming back.
Katie has her strength back and she is feeling much better. This heavy dose of chemo was hard on her - especially her tummy. We are glad we only have one more spinal tap left (in December). The doctor said maybe we should think about not doing the last one, because of what happened this time with the hyperglycemia. The doctor said, "I don't think that in the big scheme of things one spinal tap would make a difference one way or the other." I don't know (for sure) what we will decide come December - but when a doctor tells you they don't "think" it will make a difference either way - then that really isn't good enough assurance for us not to do it. We don't want to guess wrong! The "crisis" of Katie's hair falling out again, seems to have passed. Her hair has stopped falling out - and I am very happy about that - and so is Katie! Her hair is finally long enough for two ponytails on the side of her head, and she is super excited about that, she has had me put ponytails in her hair every day this week! =)
Scott's parents are recovering well from their surgeries. It is a long process, but they are getting through it. Scott is almost done with his biology class - one more week - we will be super glad when that is done and Scott can have a break (for awhile).
"Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.
"Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name... God loves you because you are His child.... If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow" ("Forget Me Not," Dieter F. Uchtdorf).
However as the heavy steroid wears off, we always have to worry about the hyperglycemia. We thought we had it managed with the low dose daily steroid, Proglycem medication, bedtime snack, 3 am snack, and corn starch - but Katie had another low blood sugar this week. Scott said he thought it was because she got such a heavy dose of chemo this time... But nobody really knows when it is going to happen, or why it happens. So it is always a worry. Plus, her rash is coming back.
Katie has her strength back and she is feeling much better. This heavy dose of chemo was hard on her - especially her tummy. We are glad we only have one more spinal tap left (in December). The doctor said maybe we should think about not doing the last one, because of what happened this time with the hyperglycemia. The doctor said, "I don't think that in the big scheme of things one spinal tap would make a difference one way or the other." I don't know (for sure) what we will decide come December - but when a doctor tells you they don't "think" it will make a difference either way - then that really isn't good enough assurance for us not to do it. We don't want to guess wrong! The "crisis" of Katie's hair falling out again, seems to have passed. Her hair has stopped falling out - and I am very happy about that - and so is Katie! Her hair is finally long enough for two ponytails on the side of her head, and she is super excited about that, she has had me put ponytails in her hair every day this week! =)
Scott's parents are recovering well from their surgeries. It is a long process, but they are getting through it. Scott is almost done with his biology class - one more week - we will be super glad when that is done and Scott can have a break (for awhile).
"Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.
"Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name... God loves you because you are His child.... If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow" ("Forget Me Not," Dieter F. Uchtdorf).
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Day 727
Things didn't exactly go smoothly on Wednesday. I fed Katie at 3:30 in the morning, and then we gave her some apple juice at 6:30 - Katie had to fast for her procedure (spinal tap and chemo) so she couldn't have anything else to eat or drink. Katie is always scheduled first thing in the morning, because of her hyperglycemia. We have never had a problem at the clinic - until Wednesday. We got to the clinic around 8:10 a.m. We were called back around 8:20-8:30. When the tech finished taking Katie's vitals, all the sudden I realized Katie wasn't acting like herself - and then I realized what was happening. I turned to Scott and I said, "I think Katie's blood sugar is low." Scott picked Katie up in his arms - as we walked back to our room we passed one of the nurses and she asked if Katie was okay - we told her we didn't think so, and asked if we could have her blood sugar checked. Before we knew it, we had 4 nurses and a doctor in our room. One nurse checked Katie's blood sugar and said it was 64 - not too bad - but on it's way down, is what they thought. They wanted to put in an IV to give Katie sugar. The nurse didn't get the needle in on the first try... By then Katie was in a heavy full body sweat and very clammy and lethargic. I told Scott, "There is no way her blood sugar is 64." I told the nurse, the number couldn't have been right - I was sure Katie was lower than that. Scott told me the nurse hadn't let the alcohol dry before she took Katie's blood - and he thought she had gotten a false reading. When a second nurse finally got the IV in, I told her again that Katie's sugar had to be lower than 64. Scott asked her to test Katie's blood from the vial. She tested the blood - and Katie's blood sugar was 36 not 64! That is very low...and it was very evident by Katie's symptoms. She was very bad off. And then top it off with the stress of putting in an IV, not being able to find a good vein, etc... It was stressful! Katie's procedure got pushed back an hour so her blood sugar could level off. They kept her on the IV at the hospital during her procedure. Everything went smoothly after that. Thankfully Katie didn't need an IGG infusion (which would have kept us there for several more hours).
Katie is now on her heavy dose of steroids (and experiencing the effects of that and the chemo). She keeps saying she is "having a hard time." - And she is having a hard time. It is so hard for us to see her this way. We love her so much!
Today is my 46th birthday...I thought for sure I was 45, but Scott assures me I am 46! (I lost a year somewhere). Scott is working today, so we celebrated last night. After I blew out my candle, Katie asked me what I wished for. I told her it was a secret. She asked a few more times and then she said, "Did you wish that my cancer would go away, because you love me so much?" Yes Katie...that IS what I wished for, because I do love you so much! (She asked us the same thing on Scott's birthday). We are glad for the treatments she has been able to receive, and we are glad there is only 4 months left! Last night when Katie took her medication she said, "I only have to take 3 medicines tonight?...That is so great!" Only 3. Soon it will be none - every night - THAT will be great!
"For all of us this life is a time of sifting and refining. We all face trials. Individual members in the early days of the Church were tested and refined when they had to decide if they had the faith . . . to put their belongings in a wagon or a pioneer handcart and travel across the American plains. Some did not have the faith. Those who did traveled 'with faith in every footstep.' In our time we are going through an increasingly difficult time of refining and testing. The tests are more subtle because the lines between good and evil are being eroded. Very little seems to be sacred in any of our public communication. In this environment we will need to make sure where we stand all of the time in our commitment to eternal truths and covenants." (President James E. Faust, "Where Do I Make My Stand?" Ensign, Nov. 2004, 21)
My ancestors are among those who faithfully put their belongings in a handcart and traveled the long and difficult journey to Utah "with faith in every footstep." My great, great, great grandfather is one of the men who carried women and children across the freezing river. He had guard duty that night and he had no dry clothes to change into. As a result, his legs and feet froze, and he was no longer able to walk. He refused to have his wife pull him in the handcart, so he crawled on his hands and knees behind the handcart for 3 days before he died. He had faith, his wife and his daughters had faith. His wife also died on the journey - she didn't make it all the way to Utah valley - but their daughters did. This is my legacy and heritage. They gave up all they had, to live according to their beliefs and follow their faith. They did not shrink when the journey got hard, and neither must I. My ancestors did not give up all they had - including their lives - for me to falter now. I must carry on this legacy and teach my children to "walk with faith in every footstep."
Katie is now on her heavy dose of steroids (and experiencing the effects of that and the chemo). She keeps saying she is "having a hard time." - And she is having a hard time. It is so hard for us to see her this way. We love her so much!
Today is my 46th birthday...I thought for sure I was 45, but Scott assures me I am 46! (I lost a year somewhere). Scott is working today, so we celebrated last night. After I blew out my candle, Katie asked me what I wished for. I told her it was a secret. She asked a few more times and then she said, "Did you wish that my cancer would go away, because you love me so much?" Yes Katie...that IS what I wished for, because I do love you so much! (She asked us the same thing on Scott's birthday). We are glad for the treatments she has been able to receive, and we are glad there is only 4 months left! Last night when Katie took her medication she said, "I only have to take 3 medicines tonight?...That is so great!" Only 3. Soon it will be none - every night - THAT will be great!
"For all of us this life is a time of sifting and refining. We all face trials. Individual members in the early days of the Church were tested and refined when they had to decide if they had the faith . . . to put their belongings in a wagon or a pioneer handcart and travel across the American plains. Some did not have the faith. Those who did traveled 'with faith in every footstep.' In our time we are going through an increasingly difficult time of refining and testing. The tests are more subtle because the lines between good and evil are being eroded. Very little seems to be sacred in any of our public communication. In this environment we will need to make sure where we stand all of the time in our commitment to eternal truths and covenants." (President James E. Faust, "Where Do I Make My Stand?" Ensign, Nov. 2004, 21)
My ancestors are among those who faithfully put their belongings in a handcart and traveled the long and difficult journey to Utah "with faith in every footstep." My great, great, great grandfather is one of the men who carried women and children across the freezing river. He had guard duty that night and he had no dry clothes to change into. As a result, his legs and feet froze, and he was no longer able to walk. He refused to have his wife pull him in the handcart, so he crawled on his hands and knees behind the handcart for 3 days before he died. He had faith, his wife and his daughters had faith. His wife also died on the journey - she didn't make it all the way to Utah valley - but their daughters did. This is my legacy and heritage. They gave up all they had, to live according to their beliefs and follow their faith. They did not shrink when the journey got hard, and neither must I. My ancestors did not give up all they had - including their lives - for me to falter now. I must carry on this legacy and teach my children to "walk with faith in every footstep."
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Day 720
I am not an Endocrinologist, so I shouldn't even try to think like one! Last night we ate dinner later than usual...We went to Olive Garden. I figured that since Katie had pasta (later) that she wouldn't need a bedtime snack - so when she asked for one - I had Scott give her fruit, instead of a carb/protein snack. We did give her the 2 tsps. of cornstarch before bed as usual, however I opted not to feed her at 3 a.m... It is hard to explain my rationale... But I had started thinking that maybe she only needing the new Proglycem medication, and I thought that maybe all these other things we had been doing (daily steroids, bedtime snack, cornstarch, 3 am feeding) weren't necessary. But I was wrong! We checked on Katie a couple of times this morning and she was fine - but then she wasn't. She had a low blood sugar. She was miserable, and I felt so bad!! So...no more trying to out guess things, I will be sticking to the protocol.
Katie has been doing well (with the exception of this morning). She still has a pesky rash, that we wish would go away, but we are glad she has been feeling and doing so well. Unfortunately that isn't going to last... Katie goes to the hospital/clinic on Wednesday for her chemo - and this is the extra hard one - chemo through an IV at the clinic, and then we go over to the hospital and they put Katie to sleep so that they can take spinal fluid out and put chemo in. It will be a hard day...with many to follow.
January... We are looking forward to January. That is not really the end, but it is a huge milestone, and it is the end of the chemo! We are looking forward to better days ahead. Hopefully with the end of chemo, that will also be the end of our troubles with her blood sugars as well. And then Katie's life can stop being such an up and down roller coaster. That will be so great!
This week I have been reminded that life is a series of choices. Choices made daily or even hourly. I recently read an article in the Deseret News about a young woman, named Al Fox who has tattoos and has gotten baptized. She talks about the judgments people make and the offensive things people say. She talked about the choices she makes - and the choice we all make daily. A choice to get mad, or be offended - or not. We each decide how we respond. We can decide to be happy and follow the Spirit and the counsel given, regardless of what others may say or do. We can choose to have faith and trust in the Lord, no matter what happens in our lives.
Al said, "What it comes down to, and what it always will come down to, is to choose God - or not... To always keep in mind that everyone is in different spots in their lives. Everyone needs to learn different things, different ways."
We are all sinners, we just sin differently than each other. We should not stand in judgment of each other. We are all equally dependent upon the Saviors atonement. When people are rude, mean, or offensive we should think, "Is this worth giving up the blessings Heavenly Father has promised me? Is it worth my exaltation?"
Regardless of what others say or do, we still have choices. We can choose to simply react to others, or we can choose to respond as a disciple of Christ - and I will be the first one to say that the latter can be a hard thing to do - sometimes being "the bigger person" (all the time/every time) can be very difficult! But I know that what I do and how I do it makes a difference - maybe not for anyone else - but it does make a difference for me in my life. I took on a covenant at baptism - to always remember Him and to be like Him. I have chosen to be a disciple of Christ (and this week I have found myself wondering, "how am I doing at this?") I know the Lords ways and promises are worth it. And I know if I follow Him I will find more peace and happiness. Each day, we need to decide to keep going... decide to trust... decide to have faith... decide to forgive... and decide to truly be a disciple of Christ rather than to choose bitterness and anger, or to revile for reviling. We need to choose God - and we need to choose Him daily.
"Now the spirit, as well as the body, is in need of constant nourishment. Yesterday's meal is not enough to sustain today's needs." (President Ezra Taft Benson).
Katie has been doing well (with the exception of this morning). She still has a pesky rash, that we wish would go away, but we are glad she has been feeling and doing so well. Unfortunately that isn't going to last... Katie goes to the hospital/clinic on Wednesday for her chemo - and this is the extra hard one - chemo through an IV at the clinic, and then we go over to the hospital and they put Katie to sleep so that they can take spinal fluid out and put chemo in. It will be a hard day...with many to follow.
January... We are looking forward to January. That is not really the end, but it is a huge milestone, and it is the end of the chemo! We are looking forward to better days ahead. Hopefully with the end of chemo, that will also be the end of our troubles with her blood sugars as well. And then Katie's life can stop being such an up and down roller coaster. That will be so great!
This week I have been reminded that life is a series of choices. Choices made daily or even hourly. I recently read an article in the Deseret News about a young woman, named Al Fox who has tattoos and has gotten baptized. She talks about the judgments people make and the offensive things people say. She talked about the choices she makes - and the choice we all make daily. A choice to get mad, or be offended - or not. We each decide how we respond. We can decide to be happy and follow the Spirit and the counsel given, regardless of what others may say or do. We can choose to have faith and trust in the Lord, no matter what happens in our lives.
Al said, "What it comes down to, and what it always will come down to, is to choose God - or not... To always keep in mind that everyone is in different spots in their lives. Everyone needs to learn different things, different ways."
We are all sinners, we just sin differently than each other. We should not stand in judgment of each other. We are all equally dependent upon the Saviors atonement. When people are rude, mean, or offensive we should think, "Is this worth giving up the blessings Heavenly Father has promised me? Is it worth my exaltation?"
Regardless of what others say or do, we still have choices. We can choose to simply react to others, or we can choose to respond as a disciple of Christ - and I will be the first one to say that the latter can be a hard thing to do - sometimes being "the bigger person" (all the time/every time) can be very difficult! But I know that what I do and how I do it makes a difference - maybe not for anyone else - but it does make a difference for me in my life. I took on a covenant at baptism - to always remember Him and to be like Him. I have chosen to be a disciple of Christ (and this week I have found myself wondering, "how am I doing at this?") I know the Lords ways and promises are worth it. And I know if I follow Him I will find more peace and happiness. Each day, we need to decide to keep going... decide to trust... decide to have faith... decide to forgive... and decide to truly be a disciple of Christ rather than to choose bitterness and anger, or to revile for reviling. We need to choose God - and we need to choose Him daily.
"Now the spirit, as well as the body, is in need of constant nourishment. Yesterday's meal is not enough to sustain today's needs." (President Ezra Taft Benson).
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Day 715
Katie had another good week and we are glad. Katie does have a rash all over her again, but other than that, she is doing well. There has not been any problems with her blood sugars and we are so happy about that. The Endocrinologist even agreed to let her stop the evening dose of the daily steroid, and we are grateful for the reduction! (She is still taking a morning dose).
Scott's mom went to the hospital this morning to get her hip replacement. I am still waiting to hear how it went. Scott is there at the hospital. Scott's dad is recovering well from his surgery.
Scott has been busy with work and school (biology class). It is Scott's birthday tomorrow - and as luck would have it - he is working (a 24 hour shift) - so we are finding it difficult to squeeze in a celebration with everything else that is going on.
Conner has been diagnosed with ADHD (by a psychologist), and we started him on medication this week. People seem to have strong opinions about ADHD medication - either people are for it or totally against it. As a parent, it is not an easy decision to make. We have been through this before with another of Scott's children - we tried diet, natural meds, etc... and nothing seemed to work, but the medication did work. However, even in saying that and knowing that, it is hard (it was a hard decision then with the other son, and it is hard now with Conner - he is only 5 years old). The side effects are always a worry. But things can not continue (at school) the way they are. Conner has had major difficulties since the first day of school. He goes to time out repeatedly throughout the day. And the PE coach is beside himself, he doesn't even know what to do with Conner... My instinct is just to bring Conner home and keep him home - lock the door and never let anyone in and never let Conner out. I want to protect him. Conner frequently cries about school. He says it is "hard" because he gets into trouble so much. He doesn't like going to "time-out all the time." He wants to "be good," but it is "hard." Conner has difficulty focusing and he has poor impulse control. So we will try the medication and see how that goes. Obviously locking him up with me for the rest of his life is not an option. I love him and I want to give him the best possible life I can. We are also doing behavior modification intervention with him, to help him gain the skills he needs. Scott and I are doing everything we can as parents to give him the structure and support and love he needs to be successful. But this has been "hard" on us too....
On Friday I ate an 8 x 8 pan of brownies - practically by myself - and like I told Scott later, I didn't even skip any meals - I ate my meals and the brownies too. So...that is how I am coping (or not)... I am just glad I didn't make a 9 x 13 pan of brownies! You would think I would be satiated on brownies - but I woke up Sunday morning thinking of brownies again.... So far I have been able to resist... although tomorrow is Scott's birthday and some sort of tasty treat will need to be made - I just hope I don't eat the whole thing myself!
This month's First Presidency Message is entitled "Saints For All Seasons," in the message President Uchtdorf says:
"We have seasons in our lives... Some are warm and pleasant. Others are not. Some of the days in our lives are as beautiful as pictures in a calendar. And yet there are days and circumstances that cause heartache and may bring into our lives deep feelings of despair, resentment, and bitterness.
"I am sure at one time or another we have all thought it would be nice to take up residence in a land filled only with days of picture-perfect seasons and avoid the unpleasant times in between.
"But this is not possible. Nor is it desirable.
"As I look over my own life, it is apparent that many of the times of greatest growth have come to me while passing through stormy seasons.
Scott's mom went to the hospital this morning to get her hip replacement. I am still waiting to hear how it went. Scott is there at the hospital. Scott's dad is recovering well from his surgery.
Scott has been busy with work and school (biology class). It is Scott's birthday tomorrow - and as luck would have it - he is working (a 24 hour shift) - so we are finding it difficult to squeeze in a celebration with everything else that is going on.
Conner has been diagnosed with ADHD (by a psychologist), and we started him on medication this week. People seem to have strong opinions about ADHD medication - either people are for it or totally against it. As a parent, it is not an easy decision to make. We have been through this before with another of Scott's children - we tried diet, natural meds, etc... and nothing seemed to work, but the medication did work. However, even in saying that and knowing that, it is hard (it was a hard decision then with the other son, and it is hard now with Conner - he is only 5 years old). The side effects are always a worry. But things can not continue (at school) the way they are. Conner has had major difficulties since the first day of school. He goes to time out repeatedly throughout the day. And the PE coach is beside himself, he doesn't even know what to do with Conner... My instinct is just to bring Conner home and keep him home - lock the door and never let anyone in and never let Conner out. I want to protect him. Conner frequently cries about school. He says it is "hard" because he gets into trouble so much. He doesn't like going to "time-out all the time." He wants to "be good," but it is "hard." Conner has difficulty focusing and he has poor impulse control. So we will try the medication and see how that goes. Obviously locking him up with me for the rest of his life is not an option. I love him and I want to give him the best possible life I can. We are also doing behavior modification intervention with him, to help him gain the skills he needs. Scott and I are doing everything we can as parents to give him the structure and support and love he needs to be successful. But this has been "hard" on us too....
On Friday I ate an 8 x 8 pan of brownies - practically by myself - and like I told Scott later, I didn't even skip any meals - I ate my meals and the brownies too. So...that is how I am coping (or not)... I am just glad I didn't make a 9 x 13 pan of brownies! You would think I would be satiated on brownies - but I woke up Sunday morning thinking of brownies again.... So far I have been able to resist... although tomorrow is Scott's birthday and some sort of tasty treat will need to be made - I just hope I don't eat the whole thing myself!
This month's First Presidency Message is entitled "Saints For All Seasons," in the message President Uchtdorf says:
"We have seasons in our lives... Some are warm and pleasant. Others are not. Some of the days in our lives are as beautiful as pictures in a calendar. And yet there are days and circumstances that cause heartache and may bring into our lives deep feelings of despair, resentment, and bitterness.
"I am sure at one time or another we have all thought it would be nice to take up residence in a land filled only with days of picture-perfect seasons and avoid the unpleasant times in between.
"But this is not possible. Nor is it desirable.
"As I look over my own life, it is apparent that many of the times of greatest growth have come to me while passing through stormy seasons.
"Our all-wise Heavenly Father knew that for His children to grow into the beings they were designed to become, they would need to experience seasons of adversity during their sojourn in mortality. The Book of Mormon prophet Lehi said that without opposition, “righteousness could not be brought to pass” (2 Nephi 2:11). Indeed, it is life’s bitterness that allows us to recognize, contrast, and appreciate its sweetness (see D&C 29:39; Moses 6:55).
"President Brigham Young put it this way: “All intelligent beings who are crowned with crowns of glory, immortality, and eternal lives must pass through every ordeal appointed for intelligent beings to pass through, to gain their glory and exaltation. Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered … to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.”
"The question is not whether we will experience seasons of adversity but how we will weather the storms. Our great opportunity during the ever-changing seasons of life is to hold fast to the faithful word of God, for His counsel is designed not only to help us weather the storms of life but also to guide us past them. Our Heavenly Father has given His word through His prophets—precious knowledge designed to lead us through the challenges of difficult seasons toward the unspeakable joy and brilliant light of eternal life. It is an important part of our life’s experience to develop the strength, courage, and integrity to hold fast to truth and righteousness despite the buffeting we may experience.
"Those who have entered the waters of baptism and received the gift of the Holy Ghost have set their feet on the path of discipleship and are charged to follow steadily and faithfully in the footsteps of our Savior.
"The Savior taught that the sun rises “on the evil and on the good, and … rain [falls] on the just and on the unjust” (Matthew 5:45). Sometimes we cannot understand why difficult, even unfair, things happen in life. But as followers of Christ, we trust that if we “search diligently, pray always, and be believing, … all things shall work together for [our] good, if [we] walk uprightly” (D&C 90:24).
Monday, September 2, 2013
Day 707
I have good news this week! Katie finished taking her high dose steroids earlier in the week, which usually means hyperglycemia episodes in the days that follow, but not this time! Yeah! It took 6 months of trial and error, and 2 Endocrinologists, but I think we finally have it under control. This last medication we added (Proglycem) seems to have made the difference (along with the daily steroids, bedtime snack, 2 tsps. of corn starch, and a 3 am snack). We are glad!
Katie has been having some troubles with her bladder bothering her, for the last 4 weeks, and the doctors can't quite figure out what that is (I have taken her in once a week for 4 weeks). But other than that, things are going good for Katie.
I am going to keep this short, because there is no school today, and so we are going to make the most of our day. Unfortunately Scott has to work, but Katie, Conner, and I have big plans for the day (swimming and going to Peter Piper Pizza for lunch and games). Scott's dad is doing well, the pathology report came back and there is no need for any further treatment. What a blessing! Scott's mom goes in to get her hip replaced on the 10th.
This week I have been reminded in several ways of the following quote. I don't know who said it, or where it came from, but I find it to be very true.... "You don't have to look very far to find someone who has suffered, or is suffering, much more than you." I have been feeling very overwhelmed, until I stopped "looking down," and started looking around... Actually, I still feel overwhelmed, but I recognize that there are other people who have suffered, or are suffering, much more than me... So, time to pick myself up off the ground, count my blessings, and move on.
Katie has been having some troubles with her bladder bothering her, for the last 4 weeks, and the doctors can't quite figure out what that is (I have taken her in once a week for 4 weeks). But other than that, things are going good for Katie.
I am going to keep this short, because there is no school today, and so we are going to make the most of our day. Unfortunately Scott has to work, but Katie, Conner, and I have big plans for the day (swimming and going to Peter Piper Pizza for lunch and games). Scott's dad is doing well, the pathology report came back and there is no need for any further treatment. What a blessing! Scott's mom goes in to get her hip replaced on the 10th.
This week I have been reminded in several ways of the following quote. I don't know who said it, or where it came from, but I find it to be very true.... "You don't have to look very far to find someone who has suffered, or is suffering, much more than you." I have been feeling very overwhelmed, until I stopped "looking down," and started looking around... Actually, I still feel overwhelmed, but I recognize that there are other people who have suffered, or are suffering, much more than me... So, time to pick myself up off the ground, count my blessings, and move on.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Day 698
Katie went to the clinic this week for her monthly dose of chemo. Dr. Dana was not working so we saw a PA (Britt) that we see regularly. Britt is over the "survivors clinic," and as we are getting closer to the end of Katie's treatments, I find that my thoughts are turning to post treatment. I had been told by a parent that the greatest likelihood for the cancer to come back was within the first 2-3 years. Britt however said, it is the first 5 years we need to worry about the most. She said the cancer could come back at any time - even 30 years later - but the greatest likelihood is within the first 5. She said they don't use the word "cured" until after 5 years post treatment. She also said that the sooner a patient relapses the worse it is - because the sooner it happens, the more aggressive the cancer is. She said there are 2 patients currently that had the same prognosis and outlook as Katie, but they have relapsed. So, there is just no way of knowing if the cancer will come back or not. And as we already know, the treatments the 2nd time around are much worse - they are more aggressive and it requires a lot more hospital time. (As we were leaving the clinic on Thursday, we just happened to see our little friend Ori, (who relapsed) and his mom told us he just had "a rough hospital stay" - he was supposed to be there 3 days and ended up being in the hospital 12 days. After we saw them, I told Scott, "Pray that Katie doesn't relapse." I can't even imagine how hard that would be!
I know people are probably wondering why I am even "going there." But I want to know...I need to know. My husband and I have some difficult decisions we need to make in the upcoming year, and we need to look at everything from every angle. - Even after Katie has completed her treatments, she will still need to go to the clinic once a month for blood work, for the first year - and then to the clinic every other month the second year - and so on... So, we still have a long journey of doctor visits ahead of us. Plus, we have the Endocrinology issues with Katie, and any other health issues that may arise due to the chemo. -- I know it is important to live "one day at a time," but sometimes we are forced to look ahead, when life altering decisions need to be made.
Katie's face and tummy are "round" due to all the steroids she is having to take. A little boy at preschool this week asked Katie if she "had a baby in her tummy," and that made her feel bad. Katie will be on her high dose steroids this week, so that will be "fun" as usual... Katie's hair seems to be hanging in there. It has thinned out a lot, but I strategically cut the top of her hair last week, and that seems to have helped overall. -- As an update: Scott's dad went in for surgery yesterday to have one of his kidneys and the cancer removed. All went well. We are waiting on tests to see if the cancer spread into the fatty tissue around the kidney or not - we hope not.
School days seem long without Conner. I miss him and I worry about him. I love him! My heart aches for the troubles he is having. I know we aren't supposed to ask "why," but instead we should ask "what can I learn from this?" I know that... but right now I am having a hard time not asking "why?" I am tired.... literally... I have never been a good sleeper anyway, but having to wake up at 3 a.m. to feed Katie is wrecking havoc on me. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and then the alarm goes off to feed Katie, and then I have a hard time getting back to sleep (if I do) and then it is time to get Conner up to get him ready for school. So, I really am tired... Physically - but also emotionally.
However, Katie somehow brings sunshine and optimism to everything it seems. Yesterday she said to me, "You wanted me for your baby didn't you?" I told her, "I did! And Heavenly Father gave you to me just special." Then Katie said, "And you yelled because you were so excited about it, didn't you?" I laughed (what an interesting comment to make) and I told Katie, "Yes Katie, I shouted for joy!" I shouted for joy... For joy at the opportunity to come to earth... For joy to have these experiences. Hmmm... I don't really feel like shouting for joy right now, but I needed perspective, so that thought lead me to this talk by Barbara Winder, "Finding Joy in Life" ---
I know people are probably wondering why I am even "going there." But I want to know...I need to know. My husband and I have some difficult decisions we need to make in the upcoming year, and we need to look at everything from every angle. - Even after Katie has completed her treatments, she will still need to go to the clinic once a month for blood work, for the first year - and then to the clinic every other month the second year - and so on... So, we still have a long journey of doctor visits ahead of us. Plus, we have the Endocrinology issues with Katie, and any other health issues that may arise due to the chemo. -- I know it is important to live "one day at a time," but sometimes we are forced to look ahead, when life altering decisions need to be made.
Katie's face and tummy are "round" due to all the steroids she is having to take. A little boy at preschool this week asked Katie if she "had a baby in her tummy," and that made her feel bad. Katie will be on her high dose steroids this week, so that will be "fun" as usual... Katie's hair seems to be hanging in there. It has thinned out a lot, but I strategically cut the top of her hair last week, and that seems to have helped overall. -- As an update: Scott's dad went in for surgery yesterday to have one of his kidneys and the cancer removed. All went well. We are waiting on tests to see if the cancer spread into the fatty tissue around the kidney or not - we hope not.
School days seem long without Conner. I miss him and I worry about him. I love him! My heart aches for the troubles he is having. I know we aren't supposed to ask "why," but instead we should ask "what can I learn from this?" I know that... but right now I am having a hard time not asking "why?" I am tired.... literally... I have never been a good sleeper anyway, but having to wake up at 3 a.m. to feed Katie is wrecking havoc on me. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and then the alarm goes off to feed Katie, and then I have a hard time getting back to sleep (if I do) and then it is time to get Conner up to get him ready for school. So, I really am tired... Physically - but also emotionally.
However, Katie somehow brings sunshine and optimism to everything it seems. Yesterday she said to me, "You wanted me for your baby didn't you?" I told her, "I did! And Heavenly Father gave you to me just special." Then Katie said, "And you yelled because you were so excited about it, didn't you?" I laughed (what an interesting comment to make) and I told Katie, "Yes Katie, I shouted for joy!" I shouted for joy... For joy at the opportunity to come to earth... For joy to have these experiences. Hmmm... I don't really feel like shouting for joy right now, but I needed perspective, so that thought lead me to this talk by Barbara Winder, "Finding Joy in Life" ---
"How long has it been since you shouted for joy? In the Grand Council in heaven in our premortal existence, all the sons and daughters of God “shouted for joy” (Job 38:7). Our Father in Heaven gave us the opportunity to be born, to assume the responsibilities of mortality, which offered the opportunity of a “fullness of joy” (Ps. 16:11) but which also entailed risks of disobedience, sin, and heartache. Yet, as our Father’s plan unfolded and we became aware of our divine potential for future immortality, we did all shout for joy.
...Let me reaffirm that the Lord’s eternal values are still true. The ways of the world may have changed, but the commandments of our Heavenly Father, given for our welfare, are still in force, and true joy comes only from doing his will.
Do we find ourselves wishing our present experiences could soon be over, as we think we might be happier doing something else?...When we think of the Lord’s eternal plan for us, do we really want no difficulty, no struggle, no adversity? For the plan is to “prove [us] herewith, to see if [we] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [our] God shall command [us]” (Abr. 3:25).
The Book of Mormon tells a beautiful example of a people who had been through much tribulation and yet had a remarkable experience of feeling eternal joy while in mortality. On the resurrected Savior’s first day among the Nephites, he taught much of his gospel. As he prepared to leave, he saw a people who displayed great faith and who hungered for his words. He was moved with such compassion toward them that he tarried longer and ministered to their personal needs. The scriptures tell us that “no one can conceive of the joy which filled [their] souls” (3 Ne. 17:16–19). The Savior said unto them:
Joy, it seems, is not only happiness, but the resultant feeling of the Holy Ghost manifest within us. How can we provide a climate in our lives to foster the presence of the Holy Ghost, that our lives may be more joyful? Just as a reservoir stores water to bring relief and replenish the thirsty land, so we can store experiences, knowledge, and desires to replenish and fortify our spiritual needs. Four ways may be helpful in developing reservoirs of righteousness and spiritual self-reliance. We prepare by—
- Developing a cheerful disposition wherein the Spirit can dwell.
- Learning the Savior’s will for us, that we may know our divine potential.
- Understanding and accepting his atoning sacrifice and repenting of our sins.
- Keeping his commandments and having a firm determination to serve him.
...Developing a cheerful disposition can permit an atmosphere wherein one’s spirit can be nurtured and encouraged to blossom and bear fruit.
Being pessimistic and negative about our experiences will not enhance the quality of our lives. A determination to be of good cheer can help us and those around us to enjoy life more fully.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton reminds us:
“With God’s help, good cheer permits us to rise above the depressing present or difficult circumstances. … It is sunshine when clouds block the light” (Ensign, May 1986, p. 66). Each woman is responsible for her own happiness. Let us strive to cultivate this spirit of gladness in our homes and let it shine in our faces wherever we go.
Years ago, when our four-month-old son had an operation, I felt forsaken and alone in a hospital waiting room. Another mother there was particularly comforting to me. She took me down the hall to meet her twelve-year-old daughter, who was suffering from leukemia. I found her to be like her mother, peacefully and cheerfully accepting this fatal illness. The girl was busy knitting dishcloths for her nurses. Her brightness helped me put my own concerns temporarily aside.
A few days later, our little one, now at home, was much better. I received a note from this mother. The affliction had taken my new young friend back to her Heavenly Father, but before she died, she asked her mother to send me a hand-knit dishcloth.
What a beautiful example they were to me of “good cheer” even in such a difficult circumstance. They had learned to accept those things they could not change and remembered the Savior’s words, “Be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you” (D&C 68:6). I, too, remembered the Savior’s words, “They who have endured the crosses of the world, … shall inherit the kingdom of God, … and their joy shall be full forever” (2 Ne. 9:18).
...Learning the Savior’s will for us, will help us know of our divine potential and bring joy to our being....Sisters, take joy in knowing that we have a prophet of God on earth today! Give thanks for the governing, sustaining power of the priesthood! Rejoice in the glories of our womanhood! Both President Spencer W. Kimball and President Ezra Taft Benson have asked that we understand the dignity and worth of our role in the divine process of motherhood and that we, whether married or single, make our homes places of love and learning, of refuge and refinement (see Ensign, May 1978, p. 101).
Surely we are adding to our spiritual reservoir as we listen to our prophet’s voice, read the holy scriptures, fast and pray, and apply the teachings we learn to our lives through the confirmation we receive from the Holy Spirit, that still, small voice that brings “peace to [our] mind[s]” (D&C 6:23).
Keeping the commandments and having a firm determination to serve the Savior can bring joy indescribable here and eternal happiness hereafter.
...Near the end of his life, having experienced years of trial, almost beyond our ability to comprehend, being dragged through the streets, tarred and feathered, having some of his closest associates turn against him, the Prophet Joseph Smith could yet testify and cheer us on as he exclaimed:
“Now, what do we hear in the gospel which we have received? A voice of gladness! A voice of mercy from heaven; … a voice of gladness for the living and the dead; glad tidings of great joy … Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad” (D&C 128:19, 22).
May we take joy in our faith, even our knowledge, that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God, I say in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. (Ensign, Nov. 1987). --I am glad I read this talk.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Day 693
Yesterday I commented to Scott, "This felt like the longest week ever!" To which Scott replied, "Boy, ain't that the truth!" Then I said, "But can you believe Katie is already due for chemo again this week?" Scott raised his eyebrows in surprise. "It is strange how it can feel like the longest week ever - in what feels like the shortest month ever!"
I took Katie to the clinic last week to have her ANC checked (because when I took her in the prior week, her numbers had dropped so much, they wanted to check her again - they were afraid of her numbers dropping any lower and her ending up in the hospital). However, it turns out Katie's numbers sky rocketed up. So, no worries there. Just up, down, up, down. Crazy. Katie goes to the clinic this week (on Thursday) for chemo. Katie is covered with a bad rash (from head to toe practically) we think it is due to the daily steroids she is on (sweating). Katie runs around without any clothes - she is so hot and bothered by the rash - we try to keep some clothes on her, but we find her more often than not just in her birthday suit.
When Katie and I were at the clinic last week, I told Dr. Dana, all the things the new things the Endocrinologist had told us, and the additional meds and interventions we are trying for Katie, - because, "Katie's little body just can't tolerate the chemo treatments." Dr. Dana looked at me very empathetically and said, "Do you want to stop her treatments?" The nurse in the room just about fell over! I was stunned and I didn't know what to say... so I said, "What are you talking about? Katie still has 5 months left!" The nurse piped in and said, "Five months!" Dr. Dana said, "I know, but you just seem so miserable. This was supposed to be the easy part. And nothing has been easy for you guys... If we stop, we do run the risk of the Leukemia coming back, but I feel so bad for you, and Katie seems so miserable, and it has been so hard... Do you want to stop?" I told her, "No way! I could put up with everything we were going through for 5 more months, rather than risk Katie's cancer comeing back. - Katie's cancer may come back anyway, but if we were to stop treatment early and her cancer came back we would never forgive ourselves. We will see this through, and do all we can to try and ensure the cancer is gone.
And if you can believe it, even with all that we have tried, Katie is still having Hypoglycemia (low blood sugars). If you remember, the doctor had me switch from feeding her at 3 am to 4 am. However, this week, Katie awoke me with a whimper (I am a light sleeper) at 3:15 am. I went in her room to check on her. All Katie could do was roll over and reach out her arm to me. I touched her arm and knew - she was sweaty and clammy - she was having a low blood sugar! I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't of woken up... My alarm would have gone off at 4 to feed her... But how low would her sugar have gone during that time?... It is always a worry. I contacted the Endocrinologist and we have added another (very expensive) medication morning and night - we will see if that helps - along with everything else we are doing!
Kindergarten has proven to be a challenge - for Conner and me - in a multitude of ways - tears have been shed by both of us - for various reasons. The back to school germs got us. Conner got a little sick, and then me, and then Katie. I am grateful and glad that I am the only who ended up with a fever. That was a tender mercy. The last thing we needed was for Katie to get a fever and end up in the hospital! Katie and I still have stuffy noses and coughs, so we aren't out of the woods yet. I can only hope she gets better...
Scott's dad goes in for his surgery to remove his cancer and a kidney this week (on Friday) - finally. Scott is also taking a Biology class right now, which is time consuming, challenging, and stressful. So we have a lot going on. Our plates are full.
I liked the quote I read this week by Chieko N. Okazaki: "If you are the one who is experiencing the problem, you can pray for an easing of the burden, even if you cannot be delivered from it. And this step is particularly applicable if you know about a problem someone else is experiencing. You may not know how to solve someone's problem. You may not know how to help that person solve her own problem. There may not be a way for the problem to be solved. There may not even be a way to talk about the problem and to share your sympathy directly with that person. But you can pray for her deliverance. You can remember her in your morning and evening prayers and lift your heart to the Lord during the day, in love and compassion and the desire that she will be delivered."
One of the parts that stood out to me most was, "There may not be a way for the problem to be solved." There isn't always a solution, or a way for things to be fixed. I know this. I have come face to face with this. I am grateful for the reminder to pray for the burden to be eased, if it is not possible to be delivered.
I took Katie to the clinic last week to have her ANC checked (because when I took her in the prior week, her numbers had dropped so much, they wanted to check her again - they were afraid of her numbers dropping any lower and her ending up in the hospital). However, it turns out Katie's numbers sky rocketed up. So, no worries there. Just up, down, up, down. Crazy. Katie goes to the clinic this week (on Thursday) for chemo. Katie is covered with a bad rash (from head to toe practically) we think it is due to the daily steroids she is on (sweating). Katie runs around without any clothes - she is so hot and bothered by the rash - we try to keep some clothes on her, but we find her more often than not just in her birthday suit.
When Katie and I were at the clinic last week, I told Dr. Dana, all the things the new things the Endocrinologist had told us, and the additional meds and interventions we are trying for Katie, - because, "Katie's little body just can't tolerate the chemo treatments." Dr. Dana looked at me very empathetically and said, "Do you want to stop her treatments?" The nurse in the room just about fell over! I was stunned and I didn't know what to say... so I said, "What are you talking about? Katie still has 5 months left!" The nurse piped in and said, "Five months!" Dr. Dana said, "I know, but you just seem so miserable. This was supposed to be the easy part. And nothing has been easy for you guys... If we stop, we do run the risk of the Leukemia coming back, but I feel so bad for you, and Katie seems so miserable, and it has been so hard... Do you want to stop?" I told her, "No way! I could put up with everything we were going through for 5 more months, rather than risk Katie's cancer comeing back. - Katie's cancer may come back anyway, but if we were to stop treatment early and her cancer came back we would never forgive ourselves. We will see this through, and do all we can to try and ensure the cancer is gone.
And if you can believe it, even with all that we have tried, Katie is still having Hypoglycemia (low blood sugars). If you remember, the doctor had me switch from feeding her at 3 am to 4 am. However, this week, Katie awoke me with a whimper (I am a light sleeper) at 3:15 am. I went in her room to check on her. All Katie could do was roll over and reach out her arm to me. I touched her arm and knew - she was sweaty and clammy - she was having a low blood sugar! I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't of woken up... My alarm would have gone off at 4 to feed her... But how low would her sugar have gone during that time?... It is always a worry. I contacted the Endocrinologist and we have added another (very expensive) medication morning and night - we will see if that helps - along with everything else we are doing!
Kindergarten has proven to be a challenge - for Conner and me - in a multitude of ways - tears have been shed by both of us - for various reasons. The back to school germs got us. Conner got a little sick, and then me, and then Katie. I am grateful and glad that I am the only who ended up with a fever. That was a tender mercy. The last thing we needed was for Katie to get a fever and end up in the hospital! Katie and I still have stuffy noses and coughs, so we aren't out of the woods yet. I can only hope she gets better...
Scott's dad goes in for his surgery to remove his cancer and a kidney this week (on Friday) - finally. Scott is also taking a Biology class right now, which is time consuming, challenging, and stressful. So we have a lot going on. Our plates are full.
I liked the quote I read this week by Chieko N. Okazaki: "If you are the one who is experiencing the problem, you can pray for an easing of the burden, even if you cannot be delivered from it. And this step is particularly applicable if you know about a problem someone else is experiencing. You may not know how to solve someone's problem. You may not know how to help that person solve her own problem. There may not be a way for the problem to be solved. There may not even be a way to talk about the problem and to share your sympathy directly with that person. But you can pray for her deliverance. You can remember her in your morning and evening prayers and lift your heart to the Lord during the day, in love and compassion and the desire that she will be delivered."
One of the parts that stood out to me most was, "There may not be a way for the problem to be solved." There isn't always a solution, or a way for things to be fixed. I know this. I have come face to face with this. I am grateful for the reminder to pray for the burden to be eased, if it is not possible to be delivered.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Day 684
I long for the day when I can write that we had a great week - but that definitely wasn't this week. We had multiple issues to deal with this week.
Katie's blood sugar levels still aren't stabilized. At one point the Endocrinologist asked me if I could double the amount of food I am feeding Katie at 3 am. I told her I was having a hard enough time getting her to eat and drink as it was! (1/2 jam sandwich and some Pediasure). The doctor suggested more protein (even though she had originally told me that what I was feeding her was fine). So Katie switched to 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich and 1/2 a Pediasure. However, the peanut butter seemed hard for Katie to swallow at 3am - half asleep. So for the past several days, she has been eating 1/2 a pastrami sandwich and drinking 1/2 a Pediasure. I thought that was going to work...and it did for a few days....and then it didn't! One morning, Katie's blood sugar was fine at 3, she ate her "snack," and then at 6:30 her blood sugar was low. Crazy - it doesn't make any sense - to anyone! And plus, she is on daily steroid to boot! So, now the doctor is having me feed her at 4 am instead of 3 am. We will see if that will make the difference. We hope so!
Conner also started Kindergarten this week. I have dreaded this since the day he was born! (Scott will attest to that!) I love Conner so much and I miss him so much when he is gone. We have considered home school, but for now we have chosen public school, because having Conner home may be what I want, but it isn't what is best for Conner. At least not right now. We will see how it goes. Conner was very excited to go to the "big school." The first day he came out with a happy face - the last two days he came out with a sad face. They are long days, and a lot of new things to learn. Overall though he seems to enjoy it and is doing well. Scott took Conner to school on Friday, and Scott stood waiting with the other parents, while all the kids lined up outside the teacher's door. Conner said something to Scott - which Scott couldn't hear - so Scott moved in closer and asked, "What?..." Conner said louder, "You don't need to be here dad!" - Scott laughed and said good-bye... he had been dismissed. We thought that was funny! Another funny story of the week, was after the second day of school, Conner excitedly told me, "Hey mom, we say that story about the four witches every day just like we did at Mrs. McClure's" (preschool). I told him I didn't know what story he was talking about. Conner got irritated with me and said, "You know, the story about the four witches." I assured him, I didn't know the story about four witches. Then he said, "Yes you do! The story we say every day - where the four witches stand!" I thought, "Four witches stand... Four witches stand... For which it stands!" Conner was talking about the Pledge of Allegiance! (...and to the Republic for which it stands...) I have giggled about that every day since. I am glad there could be things to laugh about during such a difficult week.
Our other issues here at home, came to a climax this week (at least I hope it was the climax). It was a very emotional, upsetting, even scary, week. Many tears have been shed by both Scott and I. We have wondered what else we could have done, should have done, would anything have made a difference... After almost a week of that kind of guilty thinking, I honestly don't believe there was anything else we could do. We are out numbered. Too many people working against up - another parent - other siblings - Satan - and others - in order for us to ever "win." There is no happy ending for anyone in this. No one won or will win. So much was lost this week - especially for Nathan - who is now living with his mom. We will now have to go through the legal proceedings - which are stressful also. So we are not at the end of our troubles yet.
This week Katie saw our Christmas card (with our family picture on it) and she said, "Were you new in this picture?" I said, "Well, it was last Christmas." Katie said, "Oh, you look new in this picture -- now you look old." I couldn't help but laugh at that! However, later that night, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and thought, "Yes, it is true, and now I look old." The stress of it all has taken its toll on both Scott and I. We are hoping and praying for more peaceful days ahead.
I had some other concerns with Katie this week and called both doctors, I was told to take her to the clinic for a urine sample and a blood draw. Nothing really clear came up as to what was going on, but to all of our surprise, Katie's ANC level has dropped almost in half, since the last time we were there. That is not normal. Katie's numbers are low enough that she is considered neutrapenic - meaning her immune system is low and she is susceptible to getting sick - which of course we want to avoid - because if she gets a fever that means a hospital stay. So, one blood draw this week, and they want us to come in next week for another blood draw and doctor exam, and then the following week another blood draw and chemo. Too many pokes for such a little girl! It is sure hard on her.
I am grateful that during my first year of marriage (and becoming a stepmom) I listened to a lecture series entitled, "Love One Another." Since then, it has always stuck with me to do good - whether people deserved it or not - to do good for the sake of doing good...because at the end of the day I need to ask Heavenly Father, "Is what I have done today pleasing unto Thee?" I have tried to be kind, honest, and good. I have given my best and it wasn't enough - at least not for some - and that hurts and it is hard to take. But this poem by Mother Teresa, reminded me this week, that it was never between me and them anyway. It has always been between me and Heavenly Father.
- ANYWAY -
People are often unreasonable and self-centered
Forgive Them Anyway
If you are kind people may accuse you of ulterior motives
Be Kind Anyway
If you are honest people may cheat you
Be Honest Anyway
If you find happiness people may be jealous
Be Happy Anyway
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow
Do Good Anyway
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough
Give Your Best Anyway
For you see in the end it is between you and God
It Was Never Between You and Them Anyway
(Mother Theresa)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)