Day 698

     Katie went to the clinic this week for her monthly dose of chemo.  Dr. Dana was not working so we saw a PA (Britt) that we see regularly.  Britt is over the "survivors clinic," and as we are getting closer to the end of Katie's treatments, I find that my thoughts are turning to post treatment.  I had been told by a parent that the greatest likelihood for the cancer to come back was within the first 2-3 years.  Britt however said, it is the first 5 years we need to worry about the most.  She said the cancer could come back at any time - even 30 years later - but the greatest likelihood is within the first 5.  She said they don't use the word "cured" until after 5 years post treatment.  She also said that the sooner a patient relapses the worse it is - because the sooner it happens, the more aggressive the cancer is.  She said there are 2 patients currently that had the same prognosis and outlook as Katie, but they have relapsed.  So, there is just no way of knowing if the cancer will come back or not.  And as we already know, the treatments the 2nd time around are much worse - they are more aggressive and it requires a lot more hospital time.  (As we were leaving the clinic on Thursday, we just happened to see our little friend Ori, (who relapsed) and his mom told us he just had "a rough hospital stay" - he was supposed to be there 3 days and ended up being in the hospital 12 days.  After we saw them, I told Scott, "Pray that Katie doesn't relapse."  I can't even imagine how hard that would be!
     I know people are probably wondering why I am even "going there."  But I want to know...I need to know.  My husband and I have some difficult decisions we need to make in the upcoming year, and we need to look at everything from every angle. -  Even after Katie has completed her treatments, she will still need to go to the clinic once a month for blood work, for the first year - and then to the clinic every other month the second year - and so on...  So, we still have a long journey of doctor visits ahead of us.  Plus, we have the Endocrinology issues with Katie, and any other health issues that may arise due to the chemo.  -- I know it is important to live "one day at a time," but sometimes we are forced to look ahead, when life altering decisions need to be made.
     Katie's face and tummy are "round" due to all the steroids she is having to take.  A little boy at preschool this week asked Katie if she "had a baby in her tummy,"  and that made her feel bad.   Katie will be on her high dose steroids this week, so that will be "fun" as usual...  Katie's hair seems to be hanging in there.  It has thinned out a lot, but I strategically cut the top of her hair last week, and that seems to have helped overall.   -- As an update: Scott's dad went in for surgery yesterday to have one of his kidneys and the cancer removed.  All went well.  We are waiting on tests to see if the cancer spread into the fatty tissue around the kidney or not - we hope not.
     School days seem long without Conner.  I miss him and I worry about him.  I love him!  My heart aches for the troubles he is having.  I know we aren't supposed to ask "why," but instead we should ask "what can I learn from this?"  I know that... but right now I am having a hard time not asking "why?"  I am tired.... literally...  I have never been a good sleeper anyway, but having to wake up at 3 a.m. to feed Katie is wrecking havoc on me.   It takes me forever to fall asleep, and then the alarm goes off to feed Katie, and then I have a hard time getting back to sleep (if I do) and then it is time to get Conner up to get him ready for school.  So, I really am tired... Physically - but also emotionally.
    However, Katie somehow brings sunshine and optimism to everything it seems.  Yesterday she said to me, "You wanted me for your baby didn't you?"  I told her, "I did! And Heavenly Father gave you to me just special."  Then Katie said, "And you yelled because you were so excited about it, didn't you?"  I laughed (what an interesting comment to make) and I told Katie, "Yes Katie, I shouted for joy!"  I shouted for joy... For joy at the opportunity to come to earth... For joy to have these experiences.  Hmmm... I don't really feel like shouting for joy right now, but I needed perspective, so that thought lead me to this talk by Barbara Winder, "Finding Joy in Life" ---

   "How long has it been since you shouted for joy? In the Grand Council in heaven in our premortal existence, all the sons and daughters of God “shouted for joy” (Job 38:7). Our Father in Heaven gave us the opportunity to be born, to assume the responsibilities of mortality, which offered the opportunity of a “fullness of joy” (Ps. 16:11) but which also entailed risks of disobedience, sin, and heartache. Yet, as our Father’s plan unfolded and we became aware of our divine potential for future immortality, we did all shout for joy.

     Now we are here; do we doubt the Lord’s word, “Men are, that they might have joy” (2 Ne. 2:25)?

...Let me reaffirm that the Lord’s eternal values are still true. The ways of the world may have changed, but the commandments of our Heavenly Father, given for our welfare, are still in force, and true joy comes only from doing his will.

     Do we find ourselves wishing our present experiences could soon be over, as we think we might be happier doing something else?...When we think of the Lord’s eternal plan for us, do we really want no difficulty, no struggle, no adversity? For the plan is to “prove [us] herewith, to see if [we] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [our] God shall command [us]” (Abr. 3:25).

     The Book of Mormon tells a beautiful example of a people who had been through much tribulation and yet had a remarkable experience of feeling eternal joy while in mortality. On the resurrected Savior’s first day among the Nephites, he taught much of his gospel. As he prepared to leave, he saw a people who displayed great faith and who hungered for his words. He was moved with such compassion toward them that he tarried longer and ministered to their personal needs. The scriptures tell us that “no one can conceive of the joy which filled [their] souls” (3 Ne. 17:16–19). The Savior said unto them:

“Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full” (3 Ne. 17:20).

Joy, it seems, is not only happiness, but the resultant feeling of the Holy Ghost manifest within us.  How can we provide a climate in our lives to foster the presence of the Holy Ghost, that our lives may be more joyful? Just as a reservoir stores water to bring relief and replenish the thirsty land, so we can store experiences, knowledge, and desires to replenish and fortify our spiritual needs. Four ways may be helpful in developing reservoirs of righteousness and spiritual self-reliance. We prepare by—

1.  Developing a cheerful disposition wherein the Spirit can dwell.
   
2.  Learning the Savior’s will for us, that we may know our divine potential.
   
3.  Understanding and accepting his atoning sacrifice and repenting of our sins.
   
4.   Keeping his commandments and having a firm determination to serve him.
   

 ...Developing a cheerful disposition can permit an atmosphere wherein one’s spirit can be nurtured and encouraged to blossom and bear fruit.

     Being pessimistic and negative about our experiences will not enhance the quality of our lives. A determination to be of good cheer can help us and those around us to enjoy life more fully.

     Elder Marvin J. Ashton reminds us:

“With God’s help, good cheer permits us to rise above the depressing present or difficult circumstances. … It is sunshine when clouds block the light” (Ensign, May 1986, p. 66). Each woman is responsible for her own happiness. Let us strive to cultivate this spirit of gladness in our homes and let it shine in our faces wherever we go.

      Years ago, when our four-month-old son had an operation, I felt forsaken and alone in a hospital waiting room. Another mother there was particularly comforting to me. She took me down the hall to meet her twelve-year-old daughter, who was suffering from leukemia. I found her to be like her mother, peacefully and cheerfully accepting this fatal illness. The girl was busy knitting dishcloths for her nurses. Her brightness helped me put my own concerns temporarily aside.

A few days later, our little one, now at home, was much better. I received a note from this mother. The affliction had taken my new young friend back to her Heavenly Father, but before she died, she asked her mother to send me a hand-knit dishcloth.

     What a beautiful example they were to me of “good cheer” even in such a difficult circumstance. They had learned to accept those things they could not change and remembered the Savior’s words, “Be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you” (D&C 68:6).  I, too, remembered the Savior’s words, “They who have endured the crosses of the world, … shall inherit the kingdom of God, … and their joy shall be full forever” (2 Ne. 9:18).

     ...Learning the Savior’s will for us, will help us know of our divine potential and bring joy to our being....Sisters, take joy in knowing that we have a prophet of God on earth today! Give thanks for the governing, sustaining power of the priesthood! Rejoice in the glories of our womanhood! Both President Spencer W. Kimball and President Ezra Taft Benson have asked that we understand the dignity and worth of our role in the divine process of motherhood and that we, whether married or single, make our homes places of love and learning, of refuge and refinement (see Ensign, May 1978, p. 101).

     Surely we are adding to our spiritual reservoir as we listen to our prophet’s voice, read the holy scriptures, fast and pray, and apply the teachings we learn to our lives through the confirmation we receive from the Holy Spirit, that still, small voice that brings “peace to [our] mind[s]” (D&C 6:23).

Keeping the commandments and having a firm determination to serve the Savior can bring joy indescribable here and eternal happiness hereafter.

    ...Near the end of his life, having experienced years of trial, almost beyond our ability to comprehend, being dragged through the streets, tarred and feathered, having some of his closest associates turn against him, the Prophet Joseph Smith could yet testify and cheer us on as he exclaimed:

    “Now, what do we hear in the gospel which we have received? A voice of gladness! A voice of mercy from heaven; … a voice of gladness for the living and the dead; glad tidings of great joy … Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad” (D&C 128:19, 22).

May we take joy in our faith, even our knowledge, that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God, I say in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. (Ensign, Nov. 1987).  --I am glad I read this talk.