Day 234

     Katie slept through the night last night, which was wonderful!  The night before, Katie tossed, turned, and moaned all night.  So, I am glad she was able to get some sound and peaceful sleep last night.  Yesterday was a really good day!  Katie was feeling better and the stars seemed to line up (so to speak) and I think Katie is potty trained.  We have tried before and it just hasn't worked, but yesterday when she woke up I asked her if she wanted to use the potty chair and she did - and she continued to do so all day.  I thought since she was older, it would be harder to train her (and so far every attempt has failed) but she told me she is a big girl now and doesn't need her diapers any more.  Could it really be this easy!?  I hope so! 
     To celebrate (and as an incentive) we took Katie out (just doing that is rare and fun) - we went to Jamba Juice and then to Walmart to buy a prize.  While at Walmart, we met a new friend.  As we were walking down the aisle, a woman said, "Is that Katie?"  We had never met before, but she recognized Katie from the blog.  (I didn't think to ask her how she knew about the blog).  As we talked I found out her dad is suffering from Alzhemiers, and as I lay in bed last night, I couldn't help but think how many people are suffering in so many different ways.  And as I have said before, hard is hard - but there are varying degress of hard.  As I was thinking on this, I was again reminded there are people dealing with things far more difficult than us - like having your child kidnapped or having a child die, etc...  There is so much pain and heartache some people have to endure, but there is also hope and joy available too. 
     As I was pondering this, the quote below about the pebble came to my mind, so I looked it up this morning.  It is a good reminder about keeping things in perspective.  (This is not just a doctrinal discourse; rather a personal witness by Elder Scott, a man who at one time lost a baby girl and nearly his wife, and then six weeks later they lost a son) (As stated in "To help a Loved One in Need" May 1988 - which is a good talk about helping a wayward family member).
     "Your joy in life depends upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His holy Son, your conviction that their plan of happiness truly can bring you joy. Pondering their doctrine will let you enjoy the beauties of this earth and enrich your relationships with others. It will lead you to the comforting, strengthening experiences that flow from prayer to Father in Heaven and the answers He gives in return.

     "A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth. Some people are like rocks thrown into a sea of problems. They are drowned by them. Be a cork. When submerged in a problem, fight to be free to bob up to serve again with happiness.

     "You are here on earth for a divine purpose. It is not to be endlessly entertained or to be constantly in full pursuit of pleasure. You are here to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you.  The tempering effect of patience is required.  Some blessings will be delivered here in this life; others will come beyond the veil. The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.

     "Your agency, the right to make choices, is not given so that you can get what you want. This divine gift is provided so that you will choose what your Father in Heaven wants for you. That way He can lead you to become all that He intends you to be.  That path leads to glorious joy and happiness. (Elder Richard G. Scott, "Finding Joy in Life," May 1966) 

Day 233

    After rereading yesterday's post, the completion date, 1/12/14, stood out to me - I was struck by the reminder that at least we have a completion date.  Katie is responding to treatment.  We have a good prognosis.  What a blessing that is!  My heart breaks everytime I hear about another child "relapsing".  How fortunate I feel today (how glad I feel) that our sweet Katie is getting the treatment she needs, she is responding, and she is expected to live - and hopefully have minimal long term side effects.  So we will do what it takes in the mean time and we will count our blessings.
   What has God given us?  "Our Father in Heaven has given us, His children, much more than any mortal mind can comprehend.  Under His direction the Great Jehovah created this wondrous world we live in.  God the Father watches over us, fills our hearts with breathtaking joy, brightens our darkest hours with blessed peace, distills upon our minds precious truths, shepherds us through times of distress, rejoices when we rejoice, and answers our righteous petitions."  (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 22).

Day 232

     Last night was not Katie's best night, and she still wasn't quite herself yesterday, but she was better than the day before.  Today started with a tummy ache, but hopefully as the day goes on she will feel better.  We are always glad for the feel good days. 
    Our next appointment at the clinic is on July 11th, to start Katie's last phase called "Maintenence".  Katie starts off the Maintenence phase with a spinal tap (where they take spinal fluid out and put chemo in) and she will get two doses of chemo in her port.  During Maintenence Katie will be on a daily chemo pill called 6MP.  She will also take 5 Mexotrexate chemo pills every Friday (in addition to the 6MP) - both medications are to be taken on an empty stomach with no citrus or dairy.  So, every morning when Katie wakes up, she will take 1 to 6 pills and have to wait an hour before she can eat or drink.  We aren't quite sure how we are going to manage that!  Katie will also go to the clinic once a month and get two doses of chemo.  During this phase, they will be "poking" her in new places, as they are wanting to try IV's in her hands and/or arms so they can remove her port as soon as possible.  (Removing the port will require surgery).  Katie will also be taking steroids twice a day for 5 days each month (so monthly we will be dealing with the effects of the steroids).  Katie will also be getting a spinal tap (with chemo) every 3 months.  She will take an anti-nauesa pill on an as needed basis.  --This will be our new-new norm for about the next year and a half.
     The good thing about Maintenence is that after the first month or two, they say her levels will stabalize more, with not so many ups and downs (at least not so high and low).  They say her risk for life threatening complications lessens (especiallly after Katie's port is removed).  They say that "generally" the chilld's hair grows back and most likely will not fall out again (although it could).  They also told us one of the most difficult parts of being in Maintenence is that when Katie's hair grows back and she starts feeling better, that our friends and family will all think (and say) that everything seems fine, Katie seems to be doing great - and expect us to feel and act the same - but the reality is, we will still have a daughter with Leukemia and there will still be a lot happening at home that others can't and won't see.... 
     At this moment it all still seems overwhelming to me.  Katie is going to start going to church again - and start preschool - our life can resume some normalicy - but it still sounds hard and difficult and a lot for Katie to continue to go through.  I hope as we get further into Maintenence things will seem easier or better (like they keep saying it will) (although this last time, they did tone it down, saying they didn't want to build up Maintenence too much because they didn't want to give us too high of an expecation - because there can and will be some complications and difficulties).  So.... that basically sums it up.... we are headed for Maintenence (which will continue until January 12, 2014).  We will take it as it comes - one day at a time. 
     "The Lord puts challenges in your path to mold your character.  For your own personal growth He will often let you struggle with a matter for a while, even when you are pleading for help.  But as you follow true principles, He will finally see you through.  He intends that when you have reached your extremity, you will turn to Him for comfort, peace, and assistance.  He will send these through the quiet prompting of the Spirit.  He will give reassurance and guidance that are essential to correct decisions in your life.
     "You are learning powerful, eternal lessons.  Be sure you understand them.  The Lord does not abandon your urgent pleas, nor is He ever, for even a moment, unmindful of your anguish and heartache.  He hears every supplication.  He invariably answers according to spiritual law.  Understanding that law will help you appreciate how the Lord answers your prayer.  His slicence and seeming absence at times are a powerful means to expanding your vision and understanding as you continue in faith to do your best."  (Richard G. Scott, "Making the Right Choices" (CES fireside for young adults, Jan. 13, 2002),
    

Day 231

     Katie did not feel good all day yesterday.  It is hard to see her go from feeling so strong to being sick again (and again, and again, and again...).  Hopefully she will feel better today.  No matter what, she tries to put on a happy face and does her best to play and do.  We are glad she has done as well as she has.  She hasn't had to go through any of the really serious side effects or complications that she could have (due the to Leukemia and treatments).  We are thankful for all of your prayers that have brought us this far.  Thank you!  Please keep praying for Katie.
     "Recognize that there is a power greater than ours, that no matter how good a man is, he is not good enough, that no matter how wise he is, he is not wise enough, that no matter how strong he is, he is not strong enough for all of the things which he will face in life, and that there is a source of power to which he can go with the assurance that he will be listened to and that there will be a response."  (Gordon B. Hinckley, "The Message: Gifts to Bring Home from the Mission Field," New Era, Mar. 2007, 4).

Day 230

     Katie's weight is down a little, her liver functions are up a little too high, and her blood count was a little low, but overall her counts were good.  So, Katie got two doses of chemo yesterday.  She had some tummy troubles yesterday afternoon and evening.  Scott found her at 4 o'clock this morning laying on the floor in the hallway (needing her diaper changed).  
     This phase is officially over.  In two weeks we will begin "Maintenance" - our last phase - which will last for about a year and a half.  It will be a new-new norm (but still not "normal").  There won't be so many changes and so many ups and downs.  We are glad to be moving forward.
     "Our motives and thoughts ultimately influence our actions. Jesus repeatedly emphasized the power of good thoughts and proper motives: 'Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not' (D&C 6:36).

"In Proverbs we read, 'For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he' (Proverbs 23:7)."  (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Your Right to Choose the Right," New Era, Aug. 2005, 6)

Day 229

     Days 224 - 228 were great days for Katie.  We were in New Mexico for my  mother's 86th birthday, which we celebrated by having a family party every night, four nights in a row.  We had a great time!  Katie and Conner loved seeing all of their aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Katie was suprisingly strong all week, she actually had a better week than usual - which was a great blessing.  I am glad we got to get a way.  It was good to go "home". 
     While I was in New Mexico, it struck me how blessed we are to live so close to a Children's Hospital.  In twenty minutes, I can be at the hospital with Katie, and in twenty minutes we can be home.  But what if we didn't live here - or anywhere near a Children's hospital?..  Scott would not have been able to come to appointments with me...  I would have had to stay in a Ronald McDonald House...  And what would I have done with Conner?..  How much more difficult everything would have been, if we didn't live where we live!  I definately feel a new appreciation for such a thing as a Ronald McDonald House - but I am glad it wasn't necessary for me to stay in one.  I am so grateful we live near a good hospital and have such good doctors.   It is a tender mercy to live so close.
     Speaking of which... Katie goes back in for chemo today.  This past 10 days went fast - it doesn't seem like it should be time for her to go back in.  Although, each day is one day closer to the end of her treatments, so I will stay focused on that. 
     "Mercies and blessings come in different forms--sometimes as hard things. Yet the Lord said, 'Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things' (D&C 59:7). All things means just that: good things, difficult things--not just some things. He has commanded us to be grateful because He knows being grateful will make us happy. This is another evidence of His love." 
     "Gratitude is a Spirit‑filled principle. It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God. Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God's love. This grateful awareness heightens our sensitivity to divine direction. When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord. Gratitude inspires happiness and carries divine influence." (Bonnie D. Parkin, "Gratitude: A Path to Happiness," Ensign, May 2007, 35).

Day 223

     Katie is doing "so-so".  She is asking for help up and down the stairs again and she is looking a little pale to me.  She still gets tummy aches daily.  Overall though, she is strong and doing well.  I will not be posting on the blog for the rest of the week.  Katie, Conner and I are going to New Mexico for my mother's 86th birthday.  We are excited and glad to go see "G.G."

     I found this story last night and it struck a cord with me.  I want to finish the race and return with honor. 

     "In 1968 a marathon runner by the name of John Stephen Akhwari represented Tanzania in an international competition. 'A little over an hour after [the winner] had crossed the finish line, John Stephen Akhwari . . . approached the stadium, the last man to complete the journey. [Though suffering from fatigue, leg cramps, dehydration, and disorientation,] a voice called from within to go on, and so he went on. Afterwards, it was written, "Today we have seen a young African runner who symbolizes the finest in human spirit, a performance that gives meaning to the word courage." For some, the only reward is a personal one. [There are no medals, only] the knowledge that they finished what they set out to do' (The Last African Runner, Olympiad Series, written, directed, and produced by Bud Greenspan, Cappy Productions, 1976, videocassette). When asked why he would complete a race he could never win, Akhwari replied, 'My country did not send me 5,000 miles to start the race; my country sent me to finish the race.' "He knew who he was—an athlete representing the country of Tanzania. He knew his purpose—to finish the race. He knew that he had to endure to the finish, so that he could honorably return home to Tanzania. Our mission in life is much the same. We were not sent by Father in Heaven just to be born. We were sent to endure and return to Him with honor." (Robert D. Hales, "Behold, We Count Them Happy Which Endure," Ensign, May 1998, 76).

Day 222

     Yesterday was a good day for Katie - we'll see how today goes.  A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how the doctors keep adding to what medications Katie will be on, during maintenance phase.  Well.... Once again, they have added another to it!  Maintenance is the treatment she will be getting for the last year and a half.  They keep using "Maintenance" as if it is a milestone marker - and I guess it is.  She will be getting the same routine of treatment during that time, instead of going through different phases every couple of months.  However, they keep saying things like, "Your almost there,"  "Are you excited to get to Maintenance?" "Things will be so much easier when you get to Maintenance."  I don't understand what we are supposed to be so excited about - or how it is going to be easier.  True, we wont won't be going to the clinic as often for treatments, but we will be doing more medications at home - and it is a lot of medication Katie will still be getting, plus monthly chemo and spinal taps every 3 months at the clinic - and I just don't see how that is easier!  So... No, I am not excited about it.  I will be excited on January 12, 2014, when they tell me my daughter is cancer free and is done with all her treatments!  Today, I am glad Katie is responding to treatments and that we have a completion date.  Not all parents are so fortunate.  I feel blessed, and I know Katie has been blessed.  I have been so afraid she wouldn't live through this --- but I am starting to feel less afraid, and more hopeful for her (and us).
    

     I found the following on lds.org, under adversity: "Each person's success and happiness, both now and in the eternities, depend largely on his or her responses to the difficulties of life.

     "Adversity comes from different sources. Trials may come as a consequence of a person's own pride and disobedience. These trials can be avoided through righteous living. Other trials are simply a natural part of life and may come at times when people are living righteously. For example, people may experience trials in times of sickness or uncertainty or at the deaths of loved ones.     Adversity may sometimes come because of others' poor choices and hurtful words and actions. Suffering may also come through a loving Heavenly Father as a tutoring experience.

     "When some people face adversity, they complain and become bitter. They ask questions like “Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this now? What have I done to deserve this?” But these questions have the power to dominate their thoughts. Such questions can overtake their vision, absorb their energy, and deprive them of the experiences the Lord wants them to receive. Rather than responding in this way, people should consider asking questions such as, “What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?”

    "Different kinds of adversity require different responses. For example, people who are stricken with illness may simply need to be patient and faithful. People who suffer because of others' words or actions should work toward forgiving those who have offended them... If a person's trials come because of disobedience, he or she should correct the behavior and humbly seek forgiveness.

     "Although some of the responses to adversity will vary, one response should be constant—trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. The prophet Alma taught, “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3)."

Day 221

     Today is Father's Day...and Katie is feeling good - good timing!  After treatments she always has a bad day or two, then a really good day or two, and then bad days again - and then she starts to feel good just before we go in for her next treatment.  Right now she is in the "good" days zone.  Probably tomorrow or the next day she will start to crash again.  However, even the good days aren't all good - like this morning she complained of tummy aches a couple of times.   But she was full of energy and happiness this afternoon.  We are always glad for the good days!
     Today I would just like to say that Katie has the "best daddy in the whole wide world."  He is such a good man, husband, and father.  We love him and are grateful for all he does for our family!   

Day 220

      Yesterday was a long day.  Somehow Katie still had some energy left when we got home from the clinic, but I was wiped out!  Although, it was clear to see she wasn't feeling well.  Her tummy started to really hurt in the evening, so we gave her some medicine and that seemed to help. 
     When Katie was waking up from anesthesia, she was looking past us at times, and saying things I couldn't really understand.  I asked her if there were angels with her.  She told me there were angels.  Later, she asked me, "Where did they go?"  I know it can be said that I brought up the subject of angels...so did she really see them?  I don't know for sure....but I would like to think so... I hope so.  I am glad to have a knowledge of ministering angels.  Seen or unseen, I know they are real, and I know Katie has been blessed by them.
     After I wrote this, I looked up the topic "ministering angels," here is what I found:
"Are There Guardian Angels? Do I Have One Assigned to Me?"

     "The term “guardian angel” is not used in the scriptures; instead, angels are spoken of as “ministering” (see Omni 1:25; Moroni 7:22–29). “Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost” (2 Nephi 32:3) and often share in the Holy Ghost’s mission to comfort, guide, protect the faithful, and reveal or confirm truth. Thus, the Holy Ghost Himself can be considered a guardian angel.

     "Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: 'From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels … in conveying love and concern for His children. … Seen or unseen they are always near' (“The Ministry of Angels,” Liahona and Ensign, Nov. 2008, 29).

     "The Lord has not revealed whether one specific angel is assigned to watch over each person, but you can be assured that divine protection and comfort are available. If you exercise faith, you will have God’s help, including angels sent to strengthen and comfort you and give you courage to do what is right." (January 2012,"To the Point" Liahona).

Day 219

     We are at the clinic.  Katie made counts.  She has already had her spinal tap and she is currently getting chemo.  Each time we come, Katie's tears are heartbreaking.  However, each time we come, we are also reminded of how blessed we are.  There are so many things (side effects/complications) that Katie could be experiencing, but isn't.  We are glad she is doing so well.  We feel very blessed!

Day 218

     Katie had a good day yesterday.  When she doesn't feel well, we carry her up and down the stairs, because she tells us, "I can't make it."  I am so used to carrying her up and down the stairs, I automatically reach for her now.  I always know when she is feeling stronger and better, because on those days she says, "I can do it myself."  I am always glad to hear those words!  She looks good and is acting good.  I love it!  Unfortunately however, we go back in tomorrow morning for more chemo.  Our life is like a yo-yo, lots of ups and downs.
     "The great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God's commands in the midst of the storms of life.  It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage.  And the tragedy of life is to fail in that test and so fail to qualify to return in glory to our heavenly home...
     "It will take unshakable faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to choose the way to eternal life.  It is by using that faith we can know the will of god.  It is by acting on that faith we build the strength to do the will of God.  And it is by exercising that faith in Jesus Christ that we can resist temptation and gain forgiveness through the Atonement." (Henry B. Eyring, "Spiritual Preparedness: Start Early and Be Steady," Ensign, Nov. 2005, 38)   Faith is a verb - it is an action word - a principle of power.

Day 217

     Katie is due for her next treatment tomorrow (Thursday), but she needs to get a spinal tap and they don't do spinal taps at the hospital on Thursdays - only on Wednesdays and Fridays.  We opted for Friday, because Scott isn't working that day.  I am glad it is on Friday and not today - It feels too soon to take her back. 
     If Katie makes counts on Friday, she will get chemo put in her spine and two other doses of chemo in her port (higher doses that before).  Whether she makes counts or not, she will probably be getting a dose of another type of medication, she gets monthly.  However, if she doesn't make counts, then they will not proceed with the spinal tap and chemo - she will be rescheduled to do it a few days to a week later.  So, it is just kind of a waiting game....  But for now, we will enjoy the day we have today!
     "The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness.  Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life.  It is not intended that they be the substance of life.  I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be.  When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do.  Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding.  It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life.  That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place - stepping-stones to further growth and attainment."  (Richard G. Scott, "The Atonement Can Secure Your Peace and Happiness, Ensign, Nov. 2006, 41)

Day 216

     When I woke up this morning, I thought Katie should be through the worst of it, for this week.  However, she told me three times this morning she felt like she was going to throw-up.  I wasn't expecting that today.  We made it through the morning, and her tummy seems better.  Conner's swim lessons are going sooo much better now.  Today he actually told me he wanted go, he didn't cry at all, and he smiled a lot more through out the lesson.  Whew!  I am glad!
     "When the ear heard me, then it blessed me." (Job 29:11) "A listening ear goes far in alleviating pain, lessening sorrow, cheering up a sad countenance.  Indeed, as Voltaire opined, 'The ear is the road to the heart.'"
     President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "There are boys and girls who flounder and drift and waste their lives for want of someone interested in them to counsel and reassure and comfort and direct them. 
     "Nursing homes are filled with the aged and the infirm who cry out for a listening ear and a comforting word.  There are so many who are lonely and afraid for whom a little companionship would mean so very, very much.  There are the sick and dying who live in pain and fear for whom the holding of a hand and a few quiet words could make all the difference in the world." (Church News, Week of June 10, 2012, 16).

Day 215

     A couple of days ago I put an ice cube in Katie's soup, because it was too hot.  She asked me if I put medicine in her soup.  I told her I didn't.  She said, "I don't want medicine in it."  Since then, she has been randomly asking me, if I put medicine in her food or drinks.  The problem is, we are giving her a daily pill, by crushing it up and putting it in a cup of milk.  She will not take medicine orally, and I have tried being honest with her about putting it in her drink, and she refused to drink it.  I will not lie to her though - I will "hide" her medicine because she is 3 and she has to take it - but I will not lie to her.  I hate even having to hide it from her.  Anyway, last night, she asked me if there was medicine in her milk.  I was caught and I didn't know how to respond.  I desperately looked to Scott for help.  He changed the subject and that was the end of that.  The same thing happened the day before.  It is a hard position to be in.  I don't want to loose her trust, but she has to take her medicine.  I have explained all this to her, but again, she is 3 years old and it isn't easy.  Today I am glad for chocolate and strawberry flavoring for milk!
     I wanted to make note of some quotes from our lesson in Relief Society yesterday, from Teachings of Presidents of the Church (George Albert Smith): 
     "Each of us is entitled to the inspiration of the Lord in proportion to the manner in which we live a godly life."  The words "in proportion to" is what stood out to me. (p.117)

     "The companionship of [God’s] Spirit … is a safe guide along the pathway of mortal life and a sure preparation for a home in his celestial kingdom.

     "We read in Job that there is a spirit in man, and the inspiration of the Almighty giveth him understanding [see Job 32:8] If we keep the commandments of God we are entitled to that inspiration, and if we live as the sons of God ought to live, we will have that inspiration, and nobody can prevent it, and the result will be our own physical and mental and moral development in mortality, and continued development throughout the ages of eternity.

     "The companionship of the spirit of the Lord is an antidote for weariness, … for fear and all those things that sometimes overtake us in life." (p. 119)  This stood out to me, because I know it to be true, as Scott and I have been strengthened in our "weariness", "fears", and all those things that have sometimes threatened to "overtake us."

Day 214 Birthday Pictures

3 years old!

Cake & ice cream with fresh peaches and raspberrys



Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let your hair down!



Rapunzel wig for her birthday

Brushing her "hair"

Sweet



Beautiful



Funny

Grandma Nygren gave Katie a baby carriage and Grandma & Grandpa Epps gave Katie a Cabbage Patch Doll

Conner got a few small presents too

Always wondered what I would look like as a blond (I'm gonna stick w/brunette!) =)

Day 213

     Katie had a rough night last night - a lot of whimpering and moaning.  She is sleeping late this morning. Hopefully she will feel better when she wakes up. 
     Katie is as sweet as any girl could be.  She always has a big smile on her face.  I love how naturally happy she is.  Katie likes to spread her happiness.  She does all she can to make others happy.  Sometimes I worry she feels it's her responsibility to make the people around her happy.  She wants to please people - not so she can get something out of it - she just wants to please people so they will feel happy.  - I don't want her to take that on, and feel like she responsible for other people's happiness.  But I am glad she is so good natured and joyful!
     Last night Scott & I watched a movie, "Nicholas Nickleby," based on classic by Charles Dickens.  Towards the end of the movie, the heroin says, "I am tired of being strong," To which Nicholas replies, "As am I.  Weakness is tiring, but strength is exhausting!"  Scott and I looked at each other and laughed, because we identified so deeply with those sentiments.  There is another quote at the end of the movie that I liked.  "In every life, no matter how full or empty one's purse, there is tragedy.  It is the one promise life always fulfills.  Thus happiness is a gift, and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes - and to add to other people's store of it."  I personally have found that happiness is not a constant in life, but it is something that comes and goes in moments.  It is important to recognize and prize those moments when they come. 

Day 212

     Katie's tummy was hurting again last night.  I always feel so helpless when that happens, but we do what we can to make her feel better.  Since Katie is only three, she doesn't look in the mirror much.  However, last night as Katie was standing on a stool, facing a mirror so I could brush her teeth, she saw her reflection, and she got an astonished look on her face.  (Then she said one of the funniest things she has said yet).  Very emphatically she said, "My hair is dirty!!"  Scott and I looked at each other and tried not to laugh.  I told her, "No Katie, your hair is not dirty, it is just growing in dark."  Scott explained to her that her hair was not going to be blond anymore, but that her hair was going to be darker now - like Conner's, Mommy's and Daddy's.  Then she got a big smile on her face.  Like I said before, I am glad she has hair growing in...but it is a little sad for me that her hair will be different than what it would have been, because of the cancer and chemo.  I am sure more things than just her hair have changed because of the cancer and chemo - her hair is just an outward show of that.  But changes are changes, and hair is hair, we'll take it all as it comes.  We are glad her hair is growing in.
     "We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism.  We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone.  If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith.  He will lift you and guide you.  He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face." (Thomas S. Monson,"Looking Back and Moving Forward," Ensign, May 2008, 90).

Day 211

     Katie was much better yesterday.  She didn't complain of her tummy hurting, and it was evident she felt better.  I anticipate she will get weaker again in a few days (that is how it goes).  Chemo works in strange ways.  I am glad Katie had a better day!
     Conner has swim lessons in the mornings for a half hour.  I never knew a half hour could last so long!  Conner is crying before we even get there, and then when we arrive, he clings to the fence screaming, "Please mommy no, Please mommy I don't want to do this, Please mommy I am scared, Please I want to go home, Please mommy please!"  The swim teacher has to help me pry him from the fence (it literally takes two of us).  Conner continues that same mantra for the entire half hour: "Please mommy please, I"m scared please..."  I have almost caved in multiple times, because I have felt it can't be worth it - for him, me, or Katie (as Katie is also with me, in the heat, with her mask on).  However, two things have kept me going - and it is less about swimming and more about life.  1. Conner needs to know that mommy can't/won't always save him from hard things, and 2.he needs to know he can do hard things.  And he is doing it.  Afterward he is cold, bluish, and shivering, but he flashes me one big proud smile of accomplishment, and in that moment I know I made the right choice for him. --Although it still feels like torture for me!  --Between Katie and Conner, I am learning I can do hard things too.
     There are different levels of hard.  I read an article in the Deseret News (Sunday, June 3, 2012 edition).  It is titled "Dad writes letters to a daughter he won't see grow up."  Ben Thomas has Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS).  The disease causes the person to lose control and strength of their voluntary muscles.  When muscles in the diaphragm stop working, they lose their ability to breathe on their own.  Most people with the disease will live only three to five years after being diagnosed.  Ben is 31 years, he has had the disease for two years, and he has a daughter that is only 18 months old.  Ben is an optimistic person.  In the article he says, "I guess you just learn to focus on the things you do have, the things that you can do... Maybe my legs don't work, but I can make my daughter laugh."  The illness has helped him and his wife realize what matters most in life.  "Our whole understanding of life changed... Things just started to mean more."  They are cherishing life and every minute they have together.  Ben is writing letters to his daughter so she will know him and have a memory of him through the letters.  Ben said, "It might be painful for a little while, or difficult and sad, but we believe in an afterlife.  We'll be together again... and 300 years from now we'll think 'Remember when you had ALS?  What were we so worried about?"  With the time they have left together, probably the most poignant message he wants to leave his daughter is one of happiness.  "I'd probably want to tell her that she can be happy no matter what," 'Ben said, his voice breaking with emotion and tears in his eyes.'  "Happiness is a choice.  People can take things from you, or your health can be taken from you, but you can always choose to be happy."
     This family is facing unimaginable hard things.  My heart hurts for them.  But I hope to learn from their faith and example.  Today I am choosing to be happy and am counting my blessings - how about you?
    

Day 210

     Katie's tummy hurt most of the day yesterday, and she hasn't wanted to eat much.  However, last night she asked for a slush.  We were ecstatic she wanted something!  I said, "Sure we will get you a slush."  Then she said, "I mean ice-cream."  -Absolutely.  The "slush/ice cream place" is Sonic.  When we got there, Conner opted for a corn dog rather than a slush or ice cream.  When we got our order and Katie saw Conner's corn dog, she said, "I want one of those."  Hmmm, the dilemma... Do we go back through the drive-through to get her one?  We don't want to spoil her, and would she really eat it?  But there are just times when none of that matters.  If there is something she might eat, then let's do it!  So, we drove back around and ordered again.  Katie did a decent job eating her ice cream and corn dog.  I never thought I would be so glad to have one of my kids eat a hot dog!
     I have noticed the mix of chemos Katie is on during this phase makes her really thirsty.  After treatment, she always asks for a lot of water to drink through out the night and the next day.  She was pretty wiped out yesterday.  She only wanted Mommy - when she is really sick, she doesn't want anyone else to hold her, touch her, or even look at her.  However, by bedtime, she let her dad take her upstairs and hold her, and she gave Conner a long hug and kiss good night.  She woke up early this morning, but then fell back to sleep.  Hopefully today will be a better day for her.  
    Joseph B. Wirthlin has said: "Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering.  He understands our grief....Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome." ("Come What May, and Love It," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 27). 
    Yesterday, I posted about Cassie & Todd White.  Today I learned of a way to give directly to them: http://toddandcassiewhite.chipin.com/.

Todd White

Todd was diagnosed with colon cancer during the summer of 2011 just two days after the birth of their youngest child. He had surgery to remove the grapefruit sized tumor then went through chemotherapy treatments and was on his way to recovery. Recently he was re-diagnosed with another tumor in his colon. He went in for surgery to remove his colon and is now struggling with a bacterial infection and the doctors have found the cancer has spread to several of his lymph nodes. He is currently still in the hospital fighting the infection and working to get strong enough to start fighting the cancer. Todd and Cassie are wonderful people with 4 beautiful children who have given so much of their time and efforts and so much kindness serving all those they are around. This is a place where you can contribute if you would like and it all goes directly to Todd.

Day 209

      I had posted that "Day 208" was a "beautiful day", and I was going to post that "Day 209" (yesterday) was not so beautiful.  However, when I logged on, I notice a comment from a new person - her name is Cassie.  After I read Cassie's comment and realized who she was, I was humbled and reminded, that even yesterday was a beautiful day!  I am glad for that reminder.  Things may not have gone perfectly yesterday, but we had a day, and we had it together.  I have never met Cassie, her husband, or her family.  I only know about Cassie and her family from a friend of mine on facebook.  However, my heart has been touched by Cassie's family.  They are a beautiful and amazing family, in every way.  Cassie's husband, Todd,  is going through his second battle with Colon cancer (32 years old).  To see more of their story, go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKpFJTYoCjA&feature=plcp
     A comment made on their video is: "You don't have to look very far to find someone who has suffered/is suffering much more than you."  That comment stood out to me, because I have found that statement to be so true.  My heart has grown very tender for other's who are suffering.  Cassie, Todd, and their family have gone through so much already, and they still aren't done.  Please watch their video and contribute if you can.
     As for us, yesterday wasn't the best day (but also, it was not the worst).  I took Conner to swim lessons and Scott took Katie to the clinic.  I expected swim lessons to go horribly - and it exceeded my horrible expectation.  Let's just say... I was worried about Katie getting her port accessed without my being there, Conner is terrified of the water, and the teacher was anything but warm and fuzzy.  It was far from being a pleasant experience.  I don't know who was more traumatized yesterday - me, Conner, or Katie.  After swim lessons, I dropped Conner off with Scott's mom, and then I drove to the clinic.  Scott and Katie were in the treatment area, but they hadn't started Katie's chemo yet.  I couldn't understand what was taking so long.  I asked Scott what her levels were, and he told me they were low.  Again, I was confused, because they are not supposed to continue with treatment (during this phase) if her levels are low.  
     There were all sorts of confusions yesterday - with the doctors, nurses, medicine... It is too hard to explain, but long story short, the nurses hadn't ordered Katie's chemo, because Katie hadn't made counts.  However, Scott was told by Dr. Henry, who saw Katie yesterday, that she would get chemo just not an upped dosage.  So, when I got there, I talked with Dr. Dana (our regular doctor), she talked with Dr. Henry, then both doctors came and talked to us, and then they talked to the nurse.  Even though Katie's counts were low, she did get treatment (just not the upped dosage).  So... while we were waiting for Katie's chemo to arrive, I tearfully told Scott about my hard morning at swim lessons.  He listened patiently and compassionately, and then he told me that he and Katie were in an accident, on the freeway, on their way to the clinic.  WHAT!?   Thankfully, the accident wasn't that bad, Scott's truck has some minor damage, and no one was hurt (which is a miracle, because it happened during rush hour) (and yes, the same truck we just paid major bucks for, getting a new engine put in).  The accident was the other guys fault.  He side swiped Scott (Scott was in the carpool lane and the guy turned into him).  More tears on my part at this point.  Scott stayed with me until I was ready for him to leave for work.  Katie was upset the whole time we were at the clinic.  It was a long hard day.
     Hard is hard, and cancer is hard!  It is hard on the whole family - everyone in the family is affected.  But like I said, when I put myself in Cassie's shoes this morning, her hard is harder than mine.  I am so sorry for what Cassie, Todd, and their family are going through, but I am grateful to them for their examples of faith and fortitude.  There are so many stories and people out there who are hurting and need help.  I don't know all of them, and I can't help all of them... But all of us should help those who we do know, and can help.   I am grateful to all of you for your prayers, concern, and help in our behalf.   - Again, Please click on the link above and watch Cassie and Todd's video, and contribute if you can.   Thank You!
    

Day 208

     Yesterday was a beautiful day!  We had a great celebration in honor of our sweet Katie.  Katie's Grandma and Grandpa Epps' came over for dinner and Katie's party.  One of Katie's presents was a Rapunzel wig - I will post the pictures some time this week - it is funny, she looked so cute, and she loved having hair again!  (The wig doesn't stay on long because the hair is two feet long and it is hot and itchy, but it is fun while it lasts).  It was a really nice day.
     Today however, Katie goes back to the clinic for more chemo.  Conner also starts swim lessons this morning, so Scott and I are having to divide this morning.  One of us will take Conner to swim and one will take Katie to the clinic.  We have been told the first week of swim lessons a bit traumatic... So one of us needs to be there with Conner.  I will probably go with Conner to swim, and then Scott's mom is going to watch him, while go meet up with Scott and Katie at the clinic.  I hate not being able to be there the whole time with Katie... But there is no way I couldn't be there for Conner too.  So, today is a divide and conquer day.
     President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said: "The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk.  They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow.h  Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty.  Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable.  It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.
     "We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered.  Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future.  In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24) as we follow the counsel of God's prophets.  This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair." ("The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 23).

    

Day 207

      Today is our sweet Katelynn Joy Epps' 3rd birthday.  What a "gift" she has been to us!  Words can not begin to express how much we love her, and how grateful we are for her!  Katie's positive personality has been such a blessing to our family.  She is full of love, happiness, sunshine, sweetness, and joy.  She is always ready with a big smile and a hug and kiss.  She lives up to her name... She truly is a joy! 
     I woke up this morning, very aware that if it weren't for the grace of God and the blessings of modern medicine, our sweet Katie would not have made it to her 3rd birthday.  How blessed we are!  Today truly is a day to celebrate!  We are so grateful to have Katie in our lives. 
     Katie woke up this morning asking for ice cream for breakfast - sure, why not - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY GIRL!
     My Birthday wish for Katie is that she always be a disciple of Jesus Christ: "The blessings of discipleship are readily available to all who are willing to pay the price.  Discipleship brings purpose to our lives so that rather than wandering aimlessly, we walk steadily on that strait and narrow way that leads us back to our Heavenly Father.  Discipleship brings us comfort in times of sorrow, peace of conscience, and joy in service - all of which help us to be more like Jesus." (James E. Faust, "Discipleship," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 22).
     This quote reminded me of the Primary song, "I'm trying to Be like Jesus:"  "I'm trying to be like Jesus; I'm following in his ways.  I'm trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.  At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice, But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers, 'Love one another as Jesus loves you.  Try to show kindnesss in all that you do.  Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, For these are the things Jesus taught."

Day 206

     Katie is hanging in there... She still gets tired easily, and when she is "done" she is just done, but she is a go getter.   I am glad she has such a strong will and constitution! 
    "Disciplehsip does not guarantee freedom from the storms of life.  Even as we are wending our way carefully and faithfully along the strait and narrow path, we encounter obstacle and challenge.  There are days, perhaps even months and years, when life is just hard.  We experience our fair share of adversity, heartache, loneliness, pain, grief - sometimes; it seems more than our fair share.
     "What to do when adversity strikes?  There is only one thing to do.  Stand steady and see it through.  Stay steadfast, constant, and true.  The real tragedy in the whirlwinds of life comes only when we allow them to blow us off our true course."  (David S. Baxter, "Faith, Service, Constancy," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 14).

Day 205

     Katie had a much better night last night - she slept through the night.  She seems a little better today, so maybe we are over the worst of it...  Until Monday anyway, when Katie goes in for her next treatment.  We are looking forward to Katie's 3rd birthday on Sunday.  I am glad she will be feeling good on her birthday!
    "World peace, though a lofty goal, is but an outgrowth of the personal peace each individual seeks to attain.  I refer not to the peace promoted by man, but peace as promised of God.  I speak of peace in our homes, peace in our hearts, even peace in our lives.  Peace after the way of man is perishable.  Peace after the manner of God will prevail."  (Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Peace," Ensign, Mar. 2004, 2)