Day 343

      You know, there just isn't anything easy about this...  It is as though we exchanged one hard thing for another.  The effects of the chemo treatments have kicked in.  Katie got extremely pale last night (and she is still very pale).  She was lethargic most of the day.  She had some nausea.  At noon, she put herself down for a nap (before lunch) - I couldn't find her, and then I found her - she was in her bed asleep.  She was very emotional today!  And she had an "accident" tonight (steroids make her need to urinate frequently, urgently and sometimes suddenly) - accidents are always very devastating to her.  She has that sick look about her - too pale, dark circles around her eyes - just an overall sick look.  So yes, this is hard, but we will do what we need to do to get her well.  And if that means days like today, then we will do it, in the hopes of having her with us for years and years to come! 
     I do see the silver lining.  Katie is back on her treatments and we are grateful.  We recognize our blessings.  I think any immediate danger she was in has passed (assuming of course, that the antibiotics will take care of her infection).  We are glad for all of that...but today was still another difficult day for Katie, and that makes me sad.  She has really missed being able to go to church and Joy School.  She talks about her friends everyday.  Every morning when she wakes up, she asks if today is the day she will get to play with her friends again.  This has been hard for her, in a lot of ways.  Last week when I put her to bed, I told her I loved her and then I whispered (more to myself than to her), "Please get better."  To which Katie replied, "Mommy, I don't want to die.  I don't want to go to heaven.  I don't want to die."  My heart sank!  I told her, "Katie, you are not going to die!  You are not going to Heaven - not yet, it is not time for you to go!"  (We have not been talking about anything like that around her, or in front of her).  It made me so sad for her, that at 3 years old, she is talking about, and dealing with, issues of life and death - her life and death.      
     I know I am not sounding very upbeat, but I am feeling a sense of relief today, in that Katie was able to resume her treatments.  I am also trying to move past my feelings of frustration with the doctors, etc... I do recognize God's hand in all of this.  I know we are not alone.  And again, I would like to express our sincerest thanks to everyone who prayed and/or fasted for us.  I have come to be a great believer in "group" prayers!  It does make a difference.  I can always feel the difference when there are more people  praying - I always feel a greater sense of strength at those times.  Thank you!  Out of the options we had before us, this IS the better outcome - Katie being back on treatments - it isn't fun, easy, or pleasant, but it is what we needed to have happen.  We feel very grateful!  Tonight when I put Katie to sleep, I lingered longer in her bed.  I felt joy in just being next to her - to have my arms around her, to feel her heartbeat, and to hear her breathe in and out.  It is a blessing I do not take for granted.     
     "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss.  That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. (Joseph B. Wirthilin, Ensign, Nov. 2008, 28) 
     "We can have perfect trust and faith in the Lord's plan and promises.  His word is sure; His utterance secure.  At times we may get frustrated or impatient; we may question trials and timetables.  But the Lord is ever patient with us, ever kind and forgiving, ever watchful of our sincere desires and worthy efforts.  If we are faithful and endure to the end, we will be given heaven's greatest gifts and blessings (D & C 14:7); our wrongs will be made right, our heartache healed, our losses compensated.  Speaking of the Lord's promised recompense to the faithful, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said:  "While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithfull will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude" (Lloyd D. Newell, "He shall Fulfill All of His Promises", 24).