Day 149

     I am taking Katie to physical therapy this morning.  Things are about the same around here.  We have had better days.  Katie, Conner, and I colored Easter eggs yesterday.  That brought some joy and smiles all around (and some colored fingers as well).  I am glad for the simple things in life that bring joy.

     Everyone who is born will be resurected because of Christ's Atonement - that is a gift for all.  Here are some thoughts on the Atonement:

     "How Jesus loves us, to suffer such spiritual and physical agony for our sake! How great the love of Heavenly Father that He would send His Only Begotten Son to suffer and die for the rest of His children. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16)..

    "The Savior’s Atonement makes it possible for us to overcome spiritual death. Although all people will be resurrected, only those who accept the Atonement will be saved from spiritual death.

   "We accept Christ’s Atonement by placing our faith in Him. Through this faith, we repent of our sins, are baptized, receive the Holy Ghost, and obey His commandments. We become faithful disciples of Jesus Christ. We are forgiven and cleansed from sin and prepared to return and live forever with our Heavenly Father."

     "President Boyd K. Packer gave the following illustration to show how Christ’s Atonement makes it possible to be saved from sin if we do our part.

“Let me tell you a story—a parable.

     “There once was a man who wanted something very much. It seemed more important than anything else in his life. In order for him to have his desire, he incurred a great debt.

     “He had been warned about going into that much debt, and particularly about his creditor. But it seemed so important for him to do what he wanted to do and to have what he wanted right now. He was sure he could pay for it later.

     “So he signed a contract. He would pay it off some time along the way. He didn’t worry too much about it, for the due date seemed such a long time away. He had what he wanted now, and that was what seemed important.

     “The creditor was always somewhere in the back of his mind, and he made token payments now and again, thinking somehow that the day of reckoning really would never come.

     “But as it always does, the day came, and the contract fell due. The debt had not been fully paid. His creditor appeared and demanded payment in full.

     “Only then did he realize that his creditor not only had the power to repossess all that he owned, but the power to cast him into prison as well.

     “‘I cannot pay you, for I have not the power to do so,’ he confessed.

     “‘Then,’ said the creditor, ‘we will exercise the contract, take your possessions, and you shall go to prison. You agreed to that. It was your choice. You signed the contract, and now it must be enforced.’

     “‘Can you not extend the time or forgive the debt?’ the debtor begged. ‘Arrange some way for me to keep what I have and not go to prison. Surely you believe in mercy? Will you not show mercy?’

     “The creditor replied, ‘Mercy is always so one-sided. It would serve only you. If I show mercy to you, it will leave me unpaid. It is justice I demand. Do you believe in justice?’

     “‘I believed in justice when I signed the contract,’ the debtor said. ‘It was on my side then, for I thought it would protect me. I did not need mercy then, nor think I should need it ever. Justice, I thought, would serve both of us equally as well.’

     “‘It is justice that demands that you pay the contract or suffer the penalty,’ the creditor replied. ‘That is the law. You have agreed to it and that is the way it must be. Mercy cannot rob justice.’

     “There they were: One meting out justice, the other pleading for mercy. Neither could prevail except at the expense of the other.

     “‘If you do not forgive the debt there will be no mercy,’ the debtor pleaded.

     “‘If I do, there will be no justice,’ was the reply.

     “Both laws, it seemed, could not be served. They are two eternal ideals that appear to contradict one another. Is there no way for justice to be fully served, and mercy also?

     “There is a way! The law of justice can be fully satisfied and mercy can be fully extended—but it takes someone else. And so it happened this time.

     “The debtor had a friend. He came to help. He knew the debtor well. He knew him to be shortsighted. He thought him foolish to have gotten himself into such a predicament. Nevertheless, he wanted to help because he loved him. He stepped between them, faced the creditor, and made this offer.

     “‘I will pay the debt if you will free the debtor from his contract so that he may keep his possessions and not go to prison.’

     “As the creditor was pondering the offer, the mediator added, ‘You demanded justice. Though he cannot pay you, I will do so. You will have been justly dealt with and can ask no more. It would not be just.’

     “And so the creditor agreed.

     “The mediator turned then to the debtor. ‘If I pay your debt, will you accept me as your creditor?’

     “‘Oh yes, yes,’ cried the debtor. ‘You save me from prison and show mercy to me.’

     “‘Then,’ said the benefactor, ‘you will pay the debt to me and I will set the terms. It will not be easy, but it will be possible. I will provide a way. You need not go to prison.’

     “And so it was that the creditor was paid in full. He had been justly dealt with. No contract had been broken.

     “The debtor, in turn, had been extended mercy. Both laws stood fulfilled. Because there was a mediator, justice had claimed its full share, and mercy was fully satisfied” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1977, 79–80; or Ensign, May 1977, 54–55).

    "Our sins are our spiritual debts. Without Jesus Christ, who is our Savior and Mediator, we would all pay for our sins by suffering spiritual death. But because of Him, if we will keep His terms, which are to repent and keep His commandments, we may return to live with our Heavenly Father" (Gospel Principles, Chapter 12, The Atonement).

Day 148

     I spent a large part of yesterday holding Katie and rocking her - per her request.  I am glad I was able to bring her some comfort.  Even though it is painful to see her feeling so poorly, it was a pleasure to hold her in my arms and to rock my "baby" once again.

    As Easter is on Sunday, I wanted to focus on what Christ has done for me (for each of us).  The following is an excerpt from one of my favorite talks on the Atonement.  I wanted to re-read it and be reminded of the healing power of the atonement available in our lives - no matter who we are, no matter what we have done, no matter what pains we have - we can ALL be cleansed and healed. 

The Miracle of the Atonement by C. Scott Grow.

     There is no sin or transgression, pain or sorrow, which is outside of the healing power of His Atonement.

    The Savior’s Atonement is available to each of us—always.

    We access the Atonement through repentance. When we repent, the Lord allows us to put the mistakes of the past behind us.

     “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.

     “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins―behold, he will confess them and forsake them.”

     Each of us knows a person who has had serious challenges in his or her life―someone who has wandered or wavered. That person could be a friend or relative, a parent or child, a husband or wife. That person may even be you.

     I speak unto all, even unto you. I speak of the miracle of the Atonement.

     The Messiah came to redeem men from the Fall of Adam.  Everything in the gospel of Jesus Christ points toward the atoning sacrifice of the Messiah, the Son of God.

     The plan of salvation could not be brought about without an atonement. “Therefore God himself atoneth for the sins of the world, to bring about the plan of mercy, to appease the demands of justice, that God might be a perfect, just God, and a merciful God also."

     The atoning sacrifice had to be carried out by the sinless Son of God, for fallen man could not atone for his own sins.  The Atonement had to be infinite and eternal―to cover all men throughout all eternity.

     Through His suffering and death, the Savior atoned for the sins of all men.  His Atonement began in Gethsemane and continued on the cross and culminated with the Resurrection.

     “Yea, … he shall be led, crucified, and slain, the flesh becoming subject even unto death, the will of the Son being swallowed up in the will of the Father.”  Through His atoning sacrifice, He made “his soul an offering for sin.”

     As the Only Begotten Son of God, He inherited power over physical death. That allowed Him to sustain His life as He suffered “even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great [was] his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.”

     Not only did He pay the price for the sins of all men, but He also took “upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.” And He took “upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”

     The Savior felt the weight of the anguish of all mankind―the anguish of sin and of sorrow. “Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.”

     Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions. As the innocent exercise faith in the Savior and in His Atonement and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed.

      There are times when each of us needs “relief from feelings of guilt that come from mistakes and sins.” As we repent, the Savior removes the guilt from our souls.

     Through His atoning sacrifice, our sins are remitted. With the exception of sons of perdition, the Atonement is available to everyone all the time, no matter how large or small the sin, “on conditions of repentance.”

     Because of His infinite love, Jesus Christ invites us to repent so that we will not have to suffer the full weight of our own sins:

     “Repent—repent, lest … your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.

     “For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

     “But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

     “Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit.”

     The Savior offers healing to those who are suffering from sin. “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”

     Jesus Christ is the Great Healer of our souls. With the exception of sins of perdition, there is no sin or transgression, pain or sorrow, which is outside of the healing power of His Atonement.

     When we sin, Satan tells us we are lost. In contrast, our Redeemer offers redemption to all—no matter what we have done wrong—even to you and to me.

     As you consider your own life, are there things that you need to change? Have you made mistakes that still need to be corrected?

     If you are suffering from feelings of guilt or remorse, bitterness or anger, or loss of faith, I invite you to seek relief. Repent and forsake your sins. Then, in prayer, ask God for forgiveness. Seek forgiveness from those you have wronged. Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgive yourself.

     Go to the bishop if necessary. He is the Lord’s messenger of mercy. He will help you as you struggle to become clean through repentance.

Immerse yourself in prayer and scripture study. As you do so, you will feel the sanctifying influence of the Spirit. The Savior said, “Sanctify yourselves; yea, purify your hearts, and cleanse your hands … before me, that I may make you clean.”

     As we are made clean through the power of His Atonement, the Savior becomes our advocate with the Father, pleading:

     “Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified;

     “Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.”

     Each of us has been given the gift of moral agency. “Men are free … to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the … power of the devil.”

     I testify of the miracle of the Atonement. I have seen its healing power...and felt it in my own life. The healing and redemptive power of the Atonement is available to each of us—always.

I testify that Jesus is the Christ—the Healer of our souls. I pray that each of us will choose to respond to the Savior’s invitation: “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen (Ensign, May 2011).

Day 147

     Scott went to check on Katie and Conner at 5:30 this morning, when he opened our bedroom door, Katie was laying in the hallway on the floor holding her doll.  She was awake.  We have no idea how long she was there.  She has never done that before.  Usually if she wakes up, she calls for us, or comes in our room.  Scott picked her up and brought her into our room and she said, "I want breakfast."  The steroids!  Actually her tummy was hurting, she asked for a bath before breakfast, so we gave her a bath and then fed her breakfast.  Her request for breakfast was Ramen soup, cream cheese on a bagel and milk.  (Thank you to Lori Allen for more Ramen soup!)  That is all she has been eating for the past few days - she wont eat anything else.  She eats more cream cheese than bagel.  Two days ago she ate an entire 8 ounce cream cheese (by herself) all in one day.  At least she is eating!  Tonight is her last dose of steroids during this phase, so I am glad about that. 
     I called my sister yesterday afternoon and during the conversation I mentioned that Katie's hair had not started falling out yet (again).  I called her back a half hour later and told her I was wrong.  It is falling out.  It is the strangest thing when it happens, it just kind of happens all at once.  I was holding Katie and noticed some hair on her face.  I was surprised and wondered if it was falling out.  I pinched a finger full of hair and it all just fell out in my fingers - you don't have to pull or tug or anything, it just comes out.  I was stunned to be holding a pinch of hair between my fingers.  I knew it was going to happen, but it is surprising and disconcerting when it actually happens.  I can tell this morning that a lot has already come out.  (Her hair was only about 1/2 inch long blond fuzz anyway - but it still hurts to see your daughters hair fall out).
     Obviously by my post, I was a little down yesterday morning and I don't know that I feel much better today (as evidenced my my right eye constantly twitching).  The stress and strain of this is hard.  However, I know this is a trial that may pass with time.  Katie is currently responding to treatments.  Once treatments are over and if she doesn't relapse, then this trial will be behind us.  I am fully aware there are other people who have children who are sick for a lifetime or who loose their child, and on and on...I am trying to keep it all in perspective.  We have been blessed and I acknowledge our blessings.
     "We may question, as did Pilate two millennia ago, "What is truth?" (John 18:38), and what are the things that can be counted on to stand the test of time?  Where can we turn for peace, for hope and reassurance, in this troubling time?  This we know: God lives and loves his children, the gospel is true, faith  in the Lord Jesus Christ is essential, repentance is vital, the Atonement is real...God loves all of His children in a perfect, constant, and most miraculous way.  Because of our sins, we are separated from our Father, but through the mediation and Atonement of Jesus Christ we are welcomed, received, reconciled, and embraced...Jesus is our Redeemer, our Savior.  To redeem is to purchase, to buy back, to reclaim.  To save is to keep, to salvage, to satisfy.  Redemption and salvation are miracles.  We are redeemed from our sins through the miracle of forgiveness and saved from death and @#!*% (computer block) through the miracle of the Resurrection.  As we come to deeply understand who and whose we really are and hold fast to the iron rod - we will feel encircled in the love of God." (He Shall Fulfill All of His Promises, Lloyd d. Newell, 124-125).

Day 146

     Katie's color is looking a little better.  When I said she was white, I mean she was white, everywhere.  There was no pink to the palms of her hands or bottoms of her feet, she had no color anywhere.  The pink has returned to her hands and feet and she isn't as pale as she was.  I am glad for that.    However, Katie took two naps again yesterday and moaned off and on.  She is picking at her fingers and lips again, until they bleed.  The only play time she had was for 5-10 minutes last night, when she wanted to build a "birdhouse" with blocks (which was not easy because her hands (and legs) are trembling so badly from the steroids).  The rest of the day Katie lay on the bed or had me hold her. 
     Katie has not been attempting the stairs lately.  Although, last night she started up the stairs in front of me.  I almost grabbed her, but then I thought better of it.  She knows what she can and can not do, better than I do, and I do not want to limit her.  However, after struggling up just two stairs, Katie half turned to me and said, "I don't think I can do it."  That crushed me!  Katie with her strong will and positive determination, the girl who can even when she can't - last night, just couldn't.  This is so hard!!  It has been such an up and down roller coaster.
     The good news is our refrigerator was able to be repaired.  The bad news is Scott's truck needs a new motor.  Last night about 7:00, I told Scott he looked like he had been hit by a train (he looked so tired and strained)....and then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror - I don't look any better!  I get a bit startled sometimes when I see myself in the mirror.  The strain of this past year has taken it's toll - on both of us.  I have thought about Elder Rasband's talk.  In which he talked of ministering angels on both sides of the veil helping us.  I know Scott's mom doesn't read this blog, but I need to acknowledge her help to us.  She has been a ministering angel to us, on this side of the veil.  She has kept my head above water.  She comes in and helps me take care of things around my house, so I can spend more time with Katie.  She does so without fan fair or complaint.  We are grateful!  There have been a few others who consistently offer or give their help.  I rarely ask for help, because I don't even know what to ask for - I don't know what anyone else can do for us.  However, I am grateful for your offers!  I am grateful for the help rendered.  The only thing I can think to ask for are your prayers.  Please keep praying for Katie and our family.  That is a great help and service to us.  We feel your prayers!

     This scripture came to me last night during Family Home Evening.  I was so tired and I wished somehow someone could help us, but there really is nothing anyone can do for us (other than prayer).  Things are what they are.  But I knew the Lord can do something for us -- can, will and does.  "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"  (Matthew 11:28-30).  Just like I carried Katie the rest of the way up the stairs last night, I know the Lord can carry me when I say, "I don't think I can do it."

Day 145

     Katie has just a hint of color to her now.  Although she still took two naps yesterday and was asking to go to sleep by 7:30 p.m. last night.  Katie has begun her "mantra" again.  She moans.  It is not continuous, as it was during that first month or more, but she moans for short periods of time off and on throughout the day.  It is difficult to listen to - it is heartbreaking, really.  I am glad things aren't as bad as that first couple of months.  Katie was inconsolable in the beginning, at least now, I am able to comfort her.
 
"Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
'I will not have you with me any more.'
I stamped my foot and said, 'Be on your way,'
And paused there, startled at the look he wore.
'I, who have been your friend,' he said to me.
'I, who have been your teacher - all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you.  Shall I go?'
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender in my breast.
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song-
Even for one who'd tortured me so long."
(Author unknown, Tragedy or Destiny, Spencer W. Kimball, 4).
    

Day 144

     Katie took two long naps yesterday.  The doctors told us this would be a hard time, and it is.  Katie continues on the steroids through Wednesday.  That will be the end of the steroids for awhile, but it will be the beginning of the second half of this phase, which means we will start giving her shots at home three times a week (in addition to her weekly chemo treatments).  Katie will actually have a week "off", before we start the second half of this phase, but if we are concerned about her needing a blood transfusion, then we can go in and have her counts checked.  The reality is, she most likely won't even make counts the next time we are "scheduled" to go in.  The doctor said it is a 50/50 chance she won't make counts at that time, and she will have another week "off" before we proceed.  My guess is, she will need a blood transfusion during that time.  Her next appointment is for what they call an "all day procedure" of chemo, it is a different type of chemo then we have had before, and then the very next day she goes in for a Lumbar Puncture (spinal tap).  Her counts will have to be up before they can proceed with either procedure.  So...basically, it will be awhile before things get easier or better around here.  But as my brother Scott said, "Each day means we are one day closer to the end." 
     I am glad to be home with my family today.  I am glad General Conference is this weekend. "Lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better" (D&C 25:10).  Today we are going to lay aside the things of this world and seek for the better! 

Day 143

     Well, the steroids seems to have picked up where they left off!  It definitely has not been like "starting".  Katie is in rare form.  The majority of the time, no one can look at her, touch her, speak to her, or help her, except me.  Which is hard for everyone.  Katie gets upset easily and it is hard to calm her down - we just have to wait it out.  She says, "I can't sleep very good".  She is also hungry all the time and she craves weird things.  Yesterday she insisted on having "pizza with milk on it".  It was 9:00 in the morning and there was no pizza in the house!  And pizza with milk on it?  I have no idea where that thought even came from.  After awhile, I was able to distract her with something else, but then at 8:00 last night she suddenly got the thought again and said, "Oh!  We forgot the pizza".  I guess we will be having pizza some time today...with milk on it?  I don't think so! =)
     Katie was still very weak and pale yesterday.  Her eyes have dark circles around them and the rest of her body is stark white.  She has no color, except a little pink to her lips.  She looked so sick last night that it hurt to look at her.  Hopefully the steroids will help pick up her levels, so she can start looking and feeling better.  Although, it is a mix I guess, because she has the chemo and the steroids in her system, the combo makes her weaker, but the steroids do help raise her counts.  I don't understand it really, but that is what happens.  Her counts go up and in some ways she gets better, but she also gets weaker.
     I am so glad General Conference is this weekend.  Our family is needing an emotional and spiritual boost and conference is the perfect antidote!  I believe the Lord spoke through His prophets in biblical times, and I believe he speaks through His prophets in our day.  "Surely the Lord God will do nothing, until he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets" (Amos 3:7).  That scripture was given in Old Testament times and is still true today.  We have a loving Heavenly Father who has not left us here alone.  We have been given living prophets to help guide and direct us along our journey in life.  If you like the thoughts and quotes I post, the majority of what I post are quotes from them.  If you have questions that you are seeking answers to, or if you are looking for more peace in your life, I invite you to watch General Conference this weekend via the Internet on gc.lds.org - on the left side of the page you can click on "watch live" or "listen live".  Different sessions begin today and Sunday morning at 10:00 a.m. MDT.  You can also watch at a local LDS meeting house, or in some places on TV.  It is going to be a great weekend!!