Day 10

     Well, so much for Scott's strong immune system.  And, Really?  Only Day 10?  It seems so much longer!  If you are looking for a positive "post", you're going to need to look at another day, because this won't be it.  Yesterday my daughter received 2 different chemo treatments.  I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to watch your 2 year old daughter wake up from anesthesia for the 3rd time in a week.  I can't even begin to describe how painful it is, for Scott and I to try and hold her down to give her all her oral medications, while she screams, "no mommy no!"  I can't describe how painful it is to see her looking at me, begging me to stop...questioning why I am doing this to her.  I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to hold your 2 year old daughter in your arms while a nurse injects "poison" into her body - chemo is poison, it doesn't differentiate between good cells and bad cells, it just kills cells - and every time they give her chemo, it takes all the will power I posses not to reach over and tell them to "Stop! Just stop it! No more!"  It is too much!  I know the medications are a means to an end, and I know if it all works out, it will be worth it in the end -- but it goes against every instinct I have as a mother to just sit there and allow them to put all these medications into her tiny little body.  I can already see the effects of what this is doing to her.  Her hair is beginning to fall out, her eyes look "sick" and her sweet smile isn't as bright or as often.  It breaks my heart!!  I miss her sweet baby smell.  I don't know how to describe that either...she smells like medicine now.  I miss her sweet baby breath.  I hate what all of this will do to her...my poor sweet baby girl.
     I spoke to another mother today who had a 2 year old daughter that was diagnosed with the same type of Leukemia as Katie, several years ago.  After 18 months of treatment her daughter went into remission and required a bone marrow transplant.  Then because her immune system was so low she got a rare fungus and she lost an eye and her palette.  I know every case is different.  But she did give me good advise, "expect the worst and pray for the best".  The medication smell I mentioned above, she confirmed, she said the medication smell will come from every pore of her body.  She also said that Katie's taste buds will change, and everything will taste like metal.  That makes me sad for her.  Our journey ahead with Katie is unknown, but it is going to be a long, hard and painful one - at best.  I am afraid to hope for the best and terrified to expect the worst. 
     Today was long...sorry for the down side...we called the doctor awhile ago and our options for the day were to take her back to the hospital and admit her, or wait until Monday and see what could be done.  Guess we are going to try and see the weekend through.  Today I am glad my husband planted flowers while Katie was in the hospital, she has mentioned them 3 times already, "flowers, for me?"  So sweet.  Thank you to all my family and our friends for the gifts and packages for Conner and Katie!  Thank you!  And thank you for your "comments" we do read them and appreciate them.   Please continue to pray for Katie.