Day 241

     Last October, our family went to Utah for Fall Break.  I forgot the camera, so we bought a disposable camera to use.  I finally developed those pictures - and in true disposable camera fashion, more than half of the pictures didn't turn out, and the few that did, are so grainy that it is hard to see anything clearly.  So disappointing!!  There is only one picture of Katie that is clear - she is sitting on a pony at "This is the Place" Park.  She looks like she does now, but with her hair pulled back in a pony tail.   Katie's hair was so long and pretty.  I wish we had more pictures of her at that time!  I have often thought back to that time and that trip last October.  That was just a few weeks before we found out Katie had Leukemia.  
     Looking at the Utah pictures (or lack thereof) Scott and I started talking about when Katie got sick.  How long was Katie sick for before we took her in?  That is hard to say...  Was she always sick?...  Did it come on slowly or quickly?...  When did she get sick?...  We know Katie had some problems as a baby.  Fussy, fussy - for the first 9 months.  The doctor told us it was acid reflux and so we treated her for that.  After the 9 months Katie "grew" out of it and then she was a happy happy baby.  Although, Scott always used to comment about Katie's bones - her bones would pop and crack a lot when we would pick her up.  I remember Scott being concerned about that, saying, "that isn't normal".  I remember her eyes.  Her eyes would be really puffy in the mornings.  I can remember wondering about her - why would were her eyes so puffy, why didn't she look "right" when she woke up in the mornings?...
     Looking back, now we can recognize signs of something being wrong.  But at the time we had no idea something was so terribly wrong with her.  I remember Katie not being 100% in California in August - but we thought that was due to ear infections.  Although, I don't remember her being sick on our trip to Utah, in October.  However, after that, I do remember Katie didn't want to walk up and down the stairs any more, she would just lay on the stairs and say she wanted to be carried (but Conner did that sometimes, so I thought she was just copying him).  I remember thinking it was strange that Katie had started sitting on the floor, rather than climbing up on the couch to sit.  I remember Scott commenting several times on Katie's coloring being so pale, and saying he thought I should make her a doctors appointment (but he used to comment on how pale Conner and Katie were when they were babies, so I pushed it aside - telling him he was just used to having brown children).  They were all small things it seemed - not something to really go to the doctor about.  Well, except Katie's coloring - that got to the point that where we KNEW something was wrong.
     I had started to notice that Katie looked pale too.  I remember it was on a Thursday and we were eating lunch at Costco.  I told Scott Katie's lips actually looked bluish.  He said,  "Do you think we need to take her to the hospital?"  I still didn't quite get it...and said, "No, I will make an appointment with the doctor."  I called that day (Thursday) to make an appointment with our Pediatrician and we were scheduled to go in on Monday.  However, on Sunday night, when I stood Katie and Conner next to each other in front of the mirror, I finally realized that something was terribly wrong with our daughter.  She looked so pale and sick compared to Conner.  We put them to bed, knowing we had our appointment with the doctor the next morning.  Katie woke up crying four times that night - finally at midnight, Scott said, "lets take her in."  I didn't know what we were going to tell them at the hospital.  We told them, "We are here, because our daughter looks pale."  The intake person said, "She looks good to me."  I even talked to Scott about just going home, but we decided not to.  In my mind, I had decided Katie was anemic - I thought maybe it was due to all the antibiotics she had taken during the summer due to her ear infections.
     When the ER doctor came in, he agreed Katie looked pale, and he said he was sure she was anemic.  He said it was possibly due to drinking too much milk.  I was sure that was it!  My kids drink a lot of milk.  I can remember feeling guilty about that at that moment in time.  I thought I had caused her to be anemic.  The doctor also told us Katie's heart rate was WAY up, her spleen and kidneys were enlarged.  (We know now, what we didn't know then, that all of that combined are indicators of Leukemia).  I am sure the doctor knew right then, but he simply said he would do some blood work to see if Katie was anemic and to see if "anything else was going on."  The doctor came back in at 3:30 in the morning, and as he walked into the room, he said, "Well, your daughter is anemic (I remember thinking okay...so that IS what it is).  But then he kept talking, he was saying things about white blood cells and red blood cells...and I KNEW where he was going with that.  I started to cry, I remember saying, "NO, NO, NO - Please, No!"  He said, "Yes, I am sorry, I am 90% sure your daughter has Leukemia."  All I could think of in that moment was that my grandmother had died of Leukemia.  I felt like he had just given my daughter a death sentence.  I was devastated!  I remember, wanting to call my mom and family immediately -  I wanted prayers for Katie to start immediately.  I also remember, if I showed even the slightest bit of emotion, the nurses would tell me, "You have to be strong... you have to hold it together...she will feed off of your emotions...you have to be strong."  After a few days of that, I told Scott, if one more person tells me to "be strong" I am going to bite their head off!  I AM being strong.  I am holding it together.  I am putting Katie first." (Ironically, I don't remember another nurse saying that to me after that). 
     We had to wait for 3 days in the hospital before we got the official diagnosis and begin treatments.  We had been told it could be a number of things - ranging from less serious to more serious - but it was Leukemia...  (Heavy SIGH...)  But that was then... and this is now.  We have made it this far and we have been greatly blessed.  Even from the beginning.  We are acutely aware that if we hadn't taken Katie into the hospital and had instead gone to the Pediatrician the next morning, there is a chance he would have misdiagnosed Katie.  (We were told that by the hospital doctors, and I met a mother who went through that with her daughter) (Katie hadn't displayed any of the "obvious" signs of Leukemia - unusual bruising or broken bones).  We were told we "caught" it early - which is hard to believe because she had almost no marrow left in her bones and her bones were 90some percent filled with blasts.  Her poor little body was working so hard to keep her alive.  I can't even think about what might have happened to her, if we hadn't taken her to the hospital and gotten her diagnosed when we did.  We will never know when Katie got sick, but I am glad we got her in, when we did.  I am glad we took her to the hospital and not the Pediatrician's office.  I am glad she didn't have a worse form of cancer.  I am glad she has the genetics she has (that has worked in her favor). I am glad she has responded to the treatments.  I am glad she is feeling well today. 
     Last night when I expressed my disappointment about the Utah pictures - not having pictures of Katie just before she "got" sick and her hair fell out -my sweet husband responded, "We may not have those pictures, but we have her!"  Yes, we have our Katie girl, and how truly blessed we are!!!