Day 365 - One Year!

     One year ago today, we were in the hospital and the doctors confirmed our fears about our sweet baby girl, Katie.  We were told Katie had Leukemia.  We were told her bones were 95% filled with cancer blasts.  We were told she would have to undergo chemo treatments for 2 & 1/2 years - beginning immediately.
     It has been a very long journey for such a little girl.  It wasn't a coincidence she was Supergirl for Halloween.  I chose that costume for her, because I felt it was appropriate for what she has gone through, and (in a way) represents who and what she is.  Katie has been strong and courageous!  She has had to face demons that most other children her age don't ever have to think about - don't even know about.  She has had to endure many fears and go through a lot of pain.  There have been many sleepless and restless nights.  There have been many tears she has shed. And a lot of  "I don't wants" (I don't want a poke, I don't want to take medicine, I don't want to go to the hospital, I don't want to die...)  However, through it all Katie has come shinning through with humor, big smiles, and a positive attitude.  She has had to endure so much at such a tender age, but she has done so with wisdom, love, and sweetness.  She is an amazing girl, who continues to inspire us!
     There are so many people to thank...  So many people who have helped get us through this year.  I am extremely grateful to my sweet husband for his constant strength, love, and support!  I am grateful to Scott's mom for helping us (daily) to get through the most difficult first 9 months.  I am grateful for my mom and the many ways she gave her support (in the ways she is able).  I am grateful for our extended families support (especially Scott's aunts and uncles and cousins).  I am very grateful for those in our family who gave gifts and other support - especially thanks to Craig and Nannette for the clothes for Katie, and Scott & Janna for all they have done.  I am grateful to my siblings for their love and support.  I need to especially thank Brent & Krista, Scott & Janna, and Nannette, who came to Arizona to help us when we were in desperate need of help!  I would like to particularly thank 3 of my nieces, Kirsten, Tebbanie, and Natasha, for there regular and ongoing support (also Jeff & Britney) - it has meant a lot and it has helped a lot!   We are grateful to the members of our ward who have served us.  We are grateful for the anonymous donors last Christmas.  We are thankful to those who contributed to the ipad for Katie - what a blessing that has been this past year!!  We are extremely grateful to everyone who has prayed for us - and continues to pray for us.  I am grateful for friends who have called and supported us.  I am grateful to everyone who has had compassion and concern enough to continue reading Katie's blog!  I am grateful for your comments.  I don't have words enough to express our gratitude to everyone for all that has been done - but we are grateful to all those who have helped us in any way!  We thank you!  We are also grateful for Katie's doctors and the help they have been.
     Katie has undergone many transformations this year... She went from being a vibrant, happy, playful child, to being a child who could no longer walk, talk, or laugh - all she could do was lay in my arms and moan, and now she is back to running, laughing and playing. She has gone from long hair to no hair, to some hair, to no hair again, to now having hair just a little longer than her brother's!  She had a birthday, turning from 2 to 3.  She has had LOTS of ups and downs physically and emotionally.  She has gone from refusing medicine, to now giving the medicine to herself.  She has gone from having to stay home all the time, to now being able to go to church and Joy School.  A year ago Katie got her own bedroom - only to end up sleeping back in her brother's room, because she "missed him" too much (Thank you to my husband and my brother Brent for indulging my ridiculous request to paint Katie's room, at the worst possible time).  Also, in this past year, our 16 year old dog, Cozy, passed away and we now have our new puppy, Peaches.  So, there have been a lot of transformations and transitions!  Presently, Katie is getting new fingernails...Because whatever it was she just went through with the rashes/sores/peeling feet and hands, has now also made her fingernails start to come off and she is having new growth.  Katie has had a lot of strange and frightening things happen to her, but she has faced it all with amazing strength and courage!  It also needs mentioning, that Conner and Nathan have also been through a lot this year, as a result of all this.  They too, have faced this past year with strength and courage! 
     On a personal note, I have learned many things this year...  For Katie's future benefit, I would like to mention what I feel I have learned (at least the things I can think of at this time).  I will list them in the order they came to me, as I pondered on this...  I have learned the need to advocate for my children - and I have learned to be assertive enough to advocate for them.  I have learned a lot about rashes and chicken pox!  I have learned how fragile the human body is - and what a miracle our bodies truly are.  I have learned things can always get worse - but I have also learned that things can always get better.  I have learned it is hard to forgive - but I have also learned it is hard not to forgive.  I have learned how damaging anger can be.  I have learned (again) the importance of controling my thinking.  I have learned patience, long suffering, enduring, faith, hope, and charity.  I have learned to allow others to serve me.  And I have learned to better serve others - and the need to serve.  I have a greater understanding about the need for visiting teachers.  I have learned to appreciate family more.  I have learned some people just don't "get it," - they don't understand - because they can't understand.  I have also learned that although some people may not understand, they want to understand, and do their best to understand, and they serve as they can.  I have learned about the "goodness" of so many people.  I have also learned to accept some people and things as they are.  I have learned the need to look for the good and the positive - and to not focus on the lack or the negative.   I have learned about the tender mercys of the Lord.  I have learned that miracles are real and can happen for me.  I have learned a lot about different types of medications.  I have learned (a little late, but I am learning) the need to take time for myself.  I have learned to take things one day at a time (thanks to my husband).  I have learned what matters and what doesn't matter.  I have learned to eat healthier - and to be healthier.  I have learned (from Katie) to "choose" happiness.  I have learned to focus on the positive.  I have learned hair doesn't matter.  I have learned that beauty truly comes from within.  I have learned to rely on the Lord.  I have learned to plan ahead.  I have learned that I can't plan (or control) everything - or even anything.  I have learned to let it go and to move on.  I have learned to live in fear and live with fear.  I have learned to put hope and faith in front of the fear.  I have learned I can survive hard things.  I have learned to be strong.  I have learned compassion.  I have learned the importance of "lightening up" (even though I have not mastered that yet).  I have learned about (and have felt the power) of ministering angels.  I have learned to cherish the simple things in life.  I have also learned to relish the small moments of joy, that can come in seemingly ordinary ways.  I have learned more about not judging (people, their situations, their behaviors, or their reactions).  I have learned the power of prayer.  I have learned the power of group prayer.  I have learned that comfort and peace are found in the temple.  I have learned (from Scott & my mom) to count my blessings even on the hard days.  I have learned to have a greater love and appreciation for my husband, children, and extended family.  My heart has grown very tender.  I have learned there are so many people who are suffering and in pain.  I have learned we are not alone.  I have learned anew that Heavenly Father loves me/us and is aware of our needs.
     These were lessons hard learned, and I am sad I had to learn them at the expense of Katie.  However, because she did get cancer and had to go through all of this, I did not want her pain to be wasted and be for nothing.  I am learning and growing - we all are!  I feel weak, but yet I feel strong.  I hope and pray we will never have to repeat anything like what we have gone through this year.   Katie still has one year and two months of treatments she still needs to go through.  So this is not over!... But today was a milestone.  We made it through our first year and we are GLAD!
     Thomas S. Monson in talking about peace has said: "Life is a school of experience, a time of probation. We learn as we bear our afflictions and live through our heartaches.

     "It may safely be assumed that no person has ever lived entirely free of suffering and tribulation, nor has there ever been a period in human history that did not have its full share of turmoil, ruin, and misery.

     "At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end, no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea: “Is there no balm in Gilead?”  We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone.

     "To all who so despair, may I offer the assurance found in the psalm: 'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' 

     "Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome.

      "From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” 

     "Such comfort is priceless as we journey along the pathway of mortality, with its many forks and turnings. Rarely is the assurance communicated by a flashing sign or a loud voice. Rather, the language of the Spirit is gentle, quiet, uplifting to the heart, and soothing to the soul.

     "Lest we question the Lord concerning our troubles, let us remember that the wisdom of God may not be easily understandable by mortals, but the greatest single lesson we can learn is that when God speaks and a man obeys, that man will always be right" ("Peace in Our Savior," Ensign, June 2005, pp.2-7).

     A recent article in the Church News stated: "While times are good, we may feel confident in the Lord's light, favor and blessings.  But what happens when the lights go out and the blessings seem taken away?  Even with a solid testimony, activity in the Church and obedience to commandments, we may feel baffled when it seems the Lord has withdrawn His blessings. 

     "Even though we don't know what God ultimately has in store for us in our lives, we do know some things for certain.  We know He loves us.  We know He has our best interests in mind.  We know He is merciful.  We know He wants us to return to live with Him.  Perhaps the steep hill upon which we have been asked to travel is necessary for our growth or even our salvation.

     "To endure the climb, we trust in the unseen guide that knows us better than we know ourselves.  'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding' (Proverbs 3:5).

     "Understanding God's will for us has everything to do with our submission to His will.  The ultimate submission to God's will of any being to walk the earth was shown by Jesus Christ.  He lived His life in total compliance to the commandments.  He served others, sacrificed His time and blessed the lives of all He came in contact with.  He touched no unclean thing and showed no interest in the world's enticements.  Of all people, He should have been excused from any pain or torment because of His perfect life.  But when approaching the appointed time of His suffering in the garden, the Savior said, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42)." (Church News, Week of November 4, 2012).

     For our benefit, a poet once wrote:

"In golden youth when seems the earth

A summer-land of singing mirth,

When souls are glad and hearts are light,

And not a shadow lurks in sight,

We do not know it, but there lies

Somewhere veiled ’neath evening skies

A garden which we all must see—

The garden of Gethsemane. …

Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams

Bridged over by our broken dreams;

Behind the misty caps of years,

Beyond the great salt fount of tears,

The garden lies. Strive, as you may,

You cannot miss it in your way;

All paths that have been, or shall be

Pass somewhere through Gethsemane" ("Peace in Our Savior," Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, June 2005, pp. 2-7).

     "We must be humble and trust God.  At times we might feel we have no control over our challenges and trials, but what we can control is our obedience to the Lord.  All the answers might not come in this life, but they will come.  President Henry B. Eyring said, "Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises.  For any of you who now feel that He is hard to reach, I testify that the day will come that we all will see Him face to face" (October 2012 general conference, "Where is the pavilion?").  (Church News, Week of November 4, 2012).