Day 553

      I am grateful to those who of you who are still reading this blog out of concern for our sweet daughter Katie, (because I know you don't continue reading this blog because I am an upbeat, uplifting, or proficient writer!)  I simply write what is happening with Katie and what is in my heart.  Katie has cancer and that is hard.  It has been difficult, stressful, scary, and painful for all of us.  When I first started writing the blog it was to keep our family and friends updated - and hopefully to remind people to keep Katie in their prayers.  Those are still my intentions, although the blog has become a way for me to keep a record of this journey.  A record that I will someday be able to pass on to Conner and Katie, as a history of our life during this difficult time... An account of Katie's life... and how we have all been affected.  So, as I said, cancer is hard - and this blog is "hard to read," it is not cheerful - it is not a cheerful subject, it has not been easy to live through - and it has not been easy to write about.  However, I continue to blog in the hopes for continued prayers for Katie, and for a record of her life.  Her life may be short or it may be long - we don't know - but I do know we will always cherish the memories and the life lessons that have been written down as a result.
     I can remember thinking last Tuesday, that it had been a really long week...and then I realized it was only Tuesday!  Last week was a long week.  A hard week.  Katie has continued to struggle adjusting to the new higher dosage of chemo (and being on steroids didn't help anything).  I can remember telling Scott, "Maybe I should call the doctor...I think the dose is too high...I think it is too much for her."  Scott replied, "Come January, you will be grateful."  - Meaning I will be grateful when Katie's treatments stop and Katie will be "cancer free."  I just shrugged my shoulders at him, because I didn't know how to answer.  Grateful?...  That is a hard one.... I am grateful for the treatments, they have prolonged, and hopefully have saved Katie's life...  But when your 3 year old daughter is lying in bed watching TV (because she is too weak to do anything else) and she sees children on TV laughing and dancing and playing, and she says,"I wish I could play like those children" - then it is hard to feel grateful.  It is hard to feel anything but heartbroken.  Especially when you try to reassure your daughter, that she will feel good enough to play like that again someday, and she tells you that she doesn't think she will.
     Last week, Katie took multiple naps a day - and was laying in bed for most of the day - until Thursday (she went off steroids on Wednesday).  Katie perked up on Thursday and Friday a bit.  On Friday Scott and the boys went on a Father and Son's camp-out.  So, Katie and I had "special girl time" planned for Friday evening and Saturday.  Katie wanted pizza, so Friday night we went out for pizza.  Although when we got to the pizza restaurant, she threw herself on the floor (extremely uncharacteristic of her) and she started screaming, "This isn't where I wanted to eat...This isn't where we get the pizza...I don't want to eat here!"  She screamed the whole way through the restaurant while the hostess was seating us.  I wasn't sure if we should leave or stay, so I just followed the hostess.  After we were seated, Katie quickly calmed down, and in the end she was extremely happy with my choice of pizza restaurants.  I later asked her why she gotten so upset, and she said she wanted to go to Costco to get pizza.  Funny, I was trying to make it special by going to an expensive pizza place, and all she wanted was Costco pizza1  But in the end we were both happy and satisfied.  After dinner, we went shopping for new nail polish, and she settled on a polish with sparkly stars in it.  Once that was accomplished, we went home, painted our fingernails and toenails, watched a rented movie, and ate strawberry ice cream.  Our plans for the next day was to go shopping.  
     Our plans however got derailed about 2:00 a.m. when Katie (who was sleeping with me in my bed) suddenly awoke and said, "I am gonna throw-up, I am gonna throw-up!"  I jumped out of bed and said "Okay, I will go and get your medicine."  I had given Katie her extra high dose of chemo - that she gets every Friday - 8 pills of chemo.  So, I figured she was nauseous from that and I thought I would get her the anti-nausea medicine.  However, Katie stopped me in my tracks and said, "NO!  I need something to throw-up into!"  And then she immediately began vomiting...4-5 times (on my bed - Scott's side).  I put her in the bathtub and ran downstairs for the anti-nausea medicine (remember Scott is not home - he is camping).  Before I can get back upstairs, Katie has thrown-up 3 more times (in the tub).  After Katie was all cleaned up, I took her glucose (blood sugar) level, and it was low.  At this point, I wasn"t sure what to do.  Do I give her juice for the low blood sugar or will that make her throw-up more?  Call the doctor?  Which doctor - Endocrinologist or Oncologist?  Is she throwing-up because her blood sugar is low - or is her blood sugar low because she is throwing-up?  OR is she throwing-up because of the increased dose in chemo? 
     I know I have to give her juice.  I know I have to get her glucose level up.  So, as I am downstairs getting juice Katie yells at me, "Something is moving on the wall...and it is coming to my side!"  I ran back upstairs with the juice, and I see a HUGE spider on the ceiling/wall (like wolf spider huge).  I run downstairs for the fly swatter - nope, too flimsy for such a big spider.  I run back downstairs for a Mason jar and lid - nope, I would have to get too close to the spider (basically I am too scared).  So, I finally run downstairs for the vacuum, and after a few deep breathes, I get the courage to suck up the spider, using the long extended handle - and of course, I put tin foil and a rubber band on the end, just to ensure that the spider will have absolutely no way of crawling back out of the vacuum!  After all of that, Katie rests on her bed, while I am cleaning up the vomit from my bed.  We finally settle into sleep (in Katie's twin bed) - she said she "needs" me in her bed. 
     I never called a doctor, because like I said, which doctor do I call?   Besides, (after the panic passed) I realized, I had handled the low blood sugar, and I had given her anti-nausea medicine, and she didn't have a fever.  And Scott would be home soon - and he would know what to do.  I was able to reach Scott (via Ken Booth's cell phone) the next morning, and Scott said the stomach flu was going around and he was sure it was the stomach flu.  I was not sure of that - until about mid-day Saturday - and then I was sure it was the stomach flu -- because I now had it too.  Needless to say, I was very glad when Scott made it home!  =)
     I called the Endocrinologist today, and he said that Katie's metabolic labs came back all normal.  He said that whatever is going on with her blood sugars is not serious, as long as we are able to keep it under control, by using the corn starch.  He said, "Every child reacts differently, and this must just be one of the ways Katie is reacting to the chemo and medications."  We are glad nothing more serious has come of all of this.
     "Why should we pray?  We should pray because prayer is indispensable to the accomplishment of the real purpose of our lives.  We are children of God.  As such, we have the potentiality to rise to his perfection.  The Savior himself inspired us with this aspiration when he said, '"I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in haven is perfect.'" (3Nephi 12:48.)
     "No one shall ever reach such perfection unless he is guided to it by Him who is perfect.  And guidance from Him is to be had only through prayer.  In our upward climb, this mortal experience through which we are now passing is a necessary step.  To obtain perfection, we had to leave our pre-earth home and come to earth.  During the transfer, a veil was drawn over our spiritual eyes, and the memory of our pre-earth experiences was suspended.  In the Garden of Eden, God endowed us with moral agency and, as it were, left us here on our own between the forces of good and evil to be proved - to see if, walking by faith, we would rise to our high potentiality by doing "'all things whatsoever the Lord [our] god shall command [us].'" (Abraham 3:25.) (Marion G. Romney, "A Year of Powerful Prayer," p. 4).