Day 629

     We had a nice two weeks in New Mexico with my family.  Katie turned 4 while we were there, and we had a fun family party for her (BBQ dinner at the church park).  Katie and Conner had a blast playing with all of their cousins during our two week stay!  It was nice to go "home."  But we are glad to be back again - we all missed Scott!
      Katie had a rough first week ... more so than usual ... maybe she had a virus?.... maybe that's why so many other extended family members started throwing-up?... maybe... maybe not... all we know for sure, is that Katie seemed sicker than usual, and it lasted longer than usual.  Katie also had multiple low blood sugar episodes - 5 or 6 days in a row.  Too many!  Her glucose levels were in the low to mid 40's.  Katie even threw-up one morning (we are fairly certain this was due to the low blood sugar level and not the stomach flu everyone else was suffering from, because she quickly recovered and had no further problems - until the next morning that is! Katie woke up the next morning with a level of 41.  She would barely drink and I couldn't get her to eat anything - and that was not the norm!  Katie was awake, but she was very lethargic and she was not acting appropriately.  It was scary.  I put in calls to our PCH Oncologist and Endocronologist.  Katie slowly came around and everything turned out fine... But Scott and I do not want this to happen any more.  It is too dangerous to just let it keep happening.  Obviously, the bedtime snack and nightly dose of corn starch were not working.
     I will spare you all the details and my frustrations (in part because I am on the IPad again), but after speaking with the Endocronoligist and our Oncologist nurse, two or three times, we decided to start Katie on a daily steroid.  This was a hard decision for Scott and I to make - we didn't want to do it - Katie is on so many medications already.  I even tried waking her up during the middle of the night to give her the corn starch - but that didn't work out very well - for Katie or me - and it certainly wasn't going to be a good long term solution - we still have 7 months of treatments left.  So, anyway, Katie is now on a daily low dose steroid... I was told it will not interfere with her treatment and that the long term side effects will be no different that what they already will be due to her prolonged use of a high dose of steroids.  - We know there will be long term side effects to all of her treatments.
     People often comment on how great it is that this is "almost over - only 7 more months - and then it will all be done."  AND it is great that Katie's treatments will be done in 7 months, BUT that will not be the end.  In 5 years from now, Katie will need a test to see what type of damage the chemo has done to her heart and other organs.  It will take that long before they can run the tests to know.  We know there will be long term side effects from the steroids.  There are a multitude of issues and long term effects that we will be facing, once Katie's treatments are complete.  So yes, we will be very happy and excited when Katie's treatments end, but that is not the end of it, we just enter into the next phase of it.  Although we are very hopeful and prayerful that January will be an end to the worst of it.    We cling to that hope.
     It is strange sometimes in life, when themes continue to reoccur.  When that happens, I do not think it is a coincidence, but rather a message or a lesson we need to hear.  The "theme" lately that keeps reoccurring is faith - the faith to be healed, but also the faith to not be healed.  A few weeks ago I posted a thought on this topic, by Elder Bednar from a recent CES Devotional, which was quoted in a talk by a sister in my ward who was leaving on her mission.  A couple of weeks ago, a friend (Lori Allen) printed out a copy of this devotional for me.  Today was my first chance to read it through (and oddly enough, because of some extenuating circumstances, this article means more to me now that it would have even just 2 weeks ago).  The title is "That We Might Not... Shrink" from a CES devotional given March 3, 2013.  However, before I quote from that, I wanted to tell about a Mormon video I recently watched.  As I said this theme of faith and healing keeps reoccurring recently, and I came across this video randomly and quite by chance.  The video tells about the Toone family, who live in Layton Utah.  Three years ago a pesticide company put a dangerous pesticide too close to their family home.  Their entire family became ill - they originally thought it was from food poisoning.  However, as their 4 year old daughter became more ill, they took her to the hospital where she soon died.  The father says he was confident that everyone else would be okay, because he said there was no way he would be able to withstand loosing another child.  However, just 3 days later, their 15 month old daughter passed away also.  
     In the video, the father says, "It takes a lot of faith to have your prayers answered.  It takes a different kind of faith when your prayers aren't.". The mother then says, "Having faith and asking for a miracle, and not getting the miracle you ask for, and then still being able to Marshall that faith to show up the next Sunday - that is an extra commitment to the Lord...You can have faith even when your prayers aren't answered."
     Now back to the CES devotional, which by the way, a man speaking in church yesterday (I now know) also quoted from this devotional by Elder Bednar.  I can not do this article justice (especially not while trying to use an IPad) so for anyone interested, I suggest looking up the entire talk.  However, here are some highlights... The talk begins by describing the 46 days and nights of debilitating chemotherapy treatments Elder Neal A. Maxwell underwent for Leukemia.in the latter part of his life.  Elder Bednar asked Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his illness.  Elder Maxwell replied, "I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.". 
     Elder Bednar goes on to quote Elder Maxwell's 1997, October's general conference message, entitled "Applying the Atoning Blood of Christ."  Quote: " as we confront our own ... Trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we 'might ... Not shrink'- meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18).  Not shrinking is much more important than surviving!  Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus" (ensign, Nov. 1997, 22).
     Elder Bednar then quotes Elder Orson F. Whitney: "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith,fortitude, and humility.  All that we suffer and all that we endur, especially when we endur it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God ... And it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we have come here to acquire (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle1972, 98). 
     Elder Bednar then goes on to tell the story (I mentioned a few weeks ago) about the newly wed couple named Heather and John.  Three weeks after they were married, John was diagnosed with bone cancer.  John asked Elder Bednar for a blessing.  Elder Bednar then posed a question to them that he says he had never previously considered.  John said Elder Benar told him, "I know you have the faith to be healed, but do you have the faith to not be healed?"  John said, "Having the fith to not be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father's plan for us.  We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lrd is in charge whatever the outcome may be, an He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be.  As we prayed, our petitions changed from 'Please make me whole' to 'Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.'
     Elder Bednar tell that John's wife, Heather said, "I knew the power of the priesthood he could be healed, and I wanted so bad for that to happen.  After he  (Elder Bednar) taught us about the faith to not be healed, I was terrified.  Up to that point, I had never had to come to grips with the fact that the Lord's plan might include losing my new husband.  My faith was dependent upon the outcomes I wanted.  In a manner of speaking, it was one-dimensional.  Though terrifying at first, the thought of having the faith not to be healed ultimately freed me from worry.  It allowed me to have complete trust that my Heavenly Father knew me better than I knew myself, and he would do what was best for me and John."
     Of this experience, Elder Bednar states: "As John Heather and I counseled together...we increasingly understood that if God's will we're for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed.  In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome , through the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve.
     "We recognized a principle that applies to ever devotedd disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives - even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted.  Certainly, John and Heather would desire, year, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength.  Byt more importantly, they would be "willing to submit to all things the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them], even as a child doth submit to his father" (Mosiah3:19).  
     I will conclude with this quote (also by elder Bednar):  "Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains - if moving mountains accomplishes God's purposes and is in accordance with His will.  Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, lame - if such healing accomplishes God's purposes and is in accordance with His will.  Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved.  And not all of the sick and informed will be healed.  If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, them the primary purposes of the Father's plan would be frustrated."