Day 640

     Scott, Conner, Katie, and I were out of town last week.  We were in Southern Utah - we had planned on going later in the summer, but we knew if we didn't go now, we would not be able to go.  Scott's mom is still waiting to have her surgery, and Scott's dad has been diagnosed with cancer.  We do not know how bad his cancer is yet - he will get surgery in the next few weeks, and then we will know more.  We wanted to be here to help Scott's parents through all of this, so we left for Utah just two days after I got back from New Mexico.  Nathan also came back from Montana early.  We are taking things as they come and adjusting as we need to.  Although, the news about Scott's dad has been a pretty big blow....
     I have spent this week trying to get caught up, after having been gone most of the month. (Plus, I fell and broke my tailbone just before we left for Utah - and that has been painful and it makes every task more difficult).  Scott said maybe I had a little bit of an idea of what his mom has been going through - and I told him, "No way!  Strap me to a bed for a three months and don't let me eat for two months, and then I might have an idea of what your mom has been going through!"
     Katie went in for her treatment yesterday.  This was the big one - the IV chemo, plus the spinal tap.  A different doctor does the procedure every time.  This time Katie got a big bruise on her back around the puncture - she has not had that happen before.  Katie has complained of her back hurting.  Katie has 2 more spinal taps to go through before we are done.  This was the first time Conner has gone with us for this procedure.  I think it is good for him to see what Katie has to go through (although we only took him because we couldn't find anyone to watch him - but we do think it is good for him to go with us occasionally, so he can know what Katie is going through).
     The doctors have increased Katie's medications a couple of times in the past few months.  We knew they might need to increase it again - and they did - but what we weren't expecting was to have ALL of her medications increased.  Usually, they just increase one at a time, but this time the doctor increased all of her medications - significantly - even her steroids (not the daily one for her low blood sugar, but her monthly high dose steroid for the chemo).  We we told her numbers were down - so they didn't need to increase her medications because of that, but they increased it because she has grown.
     I can't even begin to explain how difficult and painful it is to increase her medications.  Each day when I give her her medication, I know it is for her good, but I also know it is hurting her as well - short term and long term.  And now we are giving her more...and more...and more.  I was feeling very upset about it last night, and then during family prayer, Scott said how "grateful we are that Katie is able to receive the treatments she needs."  Instantly, my heart was softened, as I was reminded how blessed we are that we have the treatments and medications we need for her.  I don't know what the long term effects of these treatments will be for her, but I know we are doing what we need to do now to save her life - and if that means more chemo and steroids, then so be it.  I am glad that Katie has a cancer that is treatable.
     Being at the hospital/clinic is always a hard day.  There are sick children everywhere you look.  Yesterday was especially difficult for me.  I saw too many sick children - so many that looked so very very ill.  The images of these children linger in my mind.  There was one boy in particular yesterday who caught my eye.  Our eyes locked upon each other, and we held each others gaze for a few moments...he looked so sick...and my heart broke for him.  I was filled with compassion for him and I felt a love for him.  I wanted to help him, and yet there was nothing I could do, but offer him a feeble smile.  It is almost overwhelming at times.  There are so many children who are sick and suffering, and so many parents who are struggling and suffering.  So many!...
     I don't mean to be negative, but sometimes it is so hard to make sense of it all.  There is so much suffering.  Two days ago Scott went on a call for a 2 vehicle car crash - 3 fatalities, 1 injury - Scott had to extract their bodies out of the cars.  A drunk driver was killed in one car, and a husband and a wife were killed in the other, and their son who was in the back seat was badly injured.  One man, with 2 previous DUI's, made a choice that destroyed not only his life, but also an entire family.  It is just hard to make sense of things like that (and all the suffering little children).  However, I also know, that is when we have to turn to the Lord, and trust in His will and His timing.
     I like this quote I read today by Chicko N. Okazaki.  "The first person we need to be honest with is the Lord.  The Lord doesn't just want pretty prayers.  He wants real prayers.  Sometimes we think of those eloquent, gracious prayers in sacrament meeting and general conference as the models for our personal prayers.  We try to our rough thoughts into smooth sentences and it seems hard.  We know how to say, "I am so grateful for our son who is on a mission," but we might not know how to say, "I am so scared and so mad about our son who is on drugs."  Heavenly Father wants to hear the scared and the mad prayers just as much as he wants to hear the grateful prayers.
     "Sometimes it's very hard for us to be honest, especially with negative feelings and ideas.  Elder Neal A. maxwell asked a soul-searching question: "Can we partake of tiny, bitter cups without becoming bitter?"  I think we can, with God's help, but not if we deny that the cup is bitter in the first place.
     "When Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, he was honest about how hard the Atonement was going to be for him when he prayed that the cup might pass from him.  He struggled with a "very heavy" burden of feelings, saying, "My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death," and he prayed, "Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me" (Mark 14:33-34,36).  He was honest about how much de didn't like what was happening; and I think it's because of his honesty that we so revere the love and humility revealed by the rest of the prayer: "Nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt" (Mark 14:36).
      "Can we be equally honest in our prayers?  Remember, we're not going to shock our Father in Heaven.  There isn't anything we can say that he hasn't already heard, nothing we can show him that he hasn't already seen.  We may shock ourselves a little when we start being honest, but I think some very profound revelations come to us in those moments."  ("A Year of Powerful Prayer " 132).