Day 684

     I long for the day when I can write that we had a great week - but that definitely wasn't this week.   We had multiple issues to deal with this week. 
     Katie's blood sugar levels still aren't stabilized.  At one point the Endocrinologist asked me if I could double the amount of food I am feeding Katie at 3 am.  I told her I was having a hard enough time getting her to eat and drink as it was! (1/2 jam sandwich and some Pediasure).  The doctor suggested more protein (even though she had originally told me that what I was feeding her was fine).  So Katie switched to 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich and 1/2 a Pediasure.  However, the peanut butter seemed hard for Katie to swallow at 3am - half asleep.  So for the past several days, she has been eating 1/2 a pastrami sandwich and drinking 1/2 a Pediasure.  I thought that was going to work...and it did for a few days....and then it didn't!  One morning, Katie's blood sugar was fine at 3, she ate her "snack," and then at 6:30 her blood sugar was low.  Crazy - it doesn't make any sense - to anyone!  And plus, she is on daily steroid to boot!  So, now the doctor is having me feed her at 4 am instead of 3 am.  We will see if that will make the difference.  We hope so!
     Conner also started Kindergarten this week.  I have dreaded this since the day he was born!  (Scott will attest to that!)  I love Conner so much and I miss him so much when he is gone.  We have considered home school, but for now we have chosen public school, because having Conner home may be what I want, but it isn't what is best for Conner.  At least not right now.  We will see how it goes.  Conner was very excited to go to the "big school."  The first day he came out with a happy face - the last two days he came out with a sad face.  They are long days, and a lot of new things to learn.  Overall though he seems to enjoy it and is doing well.  Scott took Conner to school on Friday, and Scott stood waiting with the other parents, while all the kids lined up outside the teacher's door.  Conner said something to Scott - which Scott couldn't hear - so Scott moved in closer and asked, "What?..."  Conner said louder, "You don't need to be here dad!"  - Scott laughed and said good-bye... he had been dismissed.  We thought that was funny!  Another funny story of the week, was after the second day of school, Conner excitedly told me, "Hey mom, we say that story about the four witches every day just like we did at Mrs. McClure's" (preschool).  I told him I didn't know what story he was talking about.  Conner got irritated with me and said, "You know, the story about the four witches."  I assured him, I didn't know the story about four witches.  Then he said, "Yes you do!  The story we say every day - where the four witches stand!"  I thought, "Four witches stand... Four witches stand... For which it stands!"  Conner was talking about the Pledge of Allegiance!  (...and to the Republic for which it stands...)  I have giggled about that every day since.  I am glad there could be things to laugh about during such a difficult week.
     Our other issues here at home, came to a climax this week (at least I hope it was the climax).  It was a very emotional, upsetting, even scary, week.  Many tears have been shed by both Scott and I.  We have wondered what else we could have done, should have done, would anything have made a difference... After almost a week of that kind of guilty thinking, I honestly don't believe there was anything else we could do.  We are out numbered.  Too many people working against up - another parent - other siblings - Satan - and others - in order for us to ever "win."  There is no happy ending for anyone in this.  No one won or will win.  So much was lost this week - especially for Nathan - who is now living with his mom.  We will now have to go through the legal proceedings - which are stressful also.  So we are not at the end of our troubles yet.
     This week Katie saw our Christmas card (with our family picture on it) and she said, "Were you new in this picture?"  I said, "Well, it was last Christmas."   Katie said, "Oh, you look new in this picture -- now you look old."  I couldn't help but laugh at that!   However, later that night, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and thought, "Yes, it is true, and now I look old."  The stress of it all has taken its toll on both Scott and I.  We are hoping  and praying for more peaceful days ahead.
     I had some other concerns with Katie this week and called both doctors, I was told to take her to the clinic for a urine sample and a blood draw.  Nothing really clear came up as to what was going on, but to all of our surprise, Katie's ANC level has dropped almost in half, since the last time we were there.  That is not normal.  Katie's numbers are low enough that she is considered neutrapenic - meaning her immune system is low and she is susceptible to getting sick - which of course we want to avoid - because if she gets a fever that means a hospital stay.  So, one blood draw this week, and they want us to come in next week for another blood draw and doctor exam, and then the following week another blood draw and chemo.  Too many pokes for such a little girl!  It is sure hard on her.
    I am grateful that during my first year of marriage (and becoming a stepmom) I listened to a lecture series entitled, "Love One Another."  Since then, it has always stuck with me to do good - whether people deserved it or not - to do good for the sake of doing good...because at the end of the day I need to ask Heavenly Father, "Is what I have done today pleasing unto Thee?"  I have tried to be kind, honest, and good.  I have given my best and it wasn't enough - at least not for some - and that hurts and it is hard to take.  But this poem by Mother Teresa, reminded me this week, that it was never between me and them anyway.  It has always been between me and Heavenly Father. 

 - ANYWAY -
People are often unreasonable and self-centered
Forgive Them Anyway
If you are kind people may accuse you of ulterior motives
Be Kind Anyway
If you are honest people may cheat you
Be Honest Anyway
If you find happiness people may be jealous
Be Happy Anyway
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow
Do Good Anyway
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough
Give Your Best Anyway
For you see in the end it is between you and God
It Was Never Between You and Them Anyway
                                                                                              (Mother Theresa)