Day 177

     We have two more weeks in this phase, but no more chemo.  Now it is just wait, watch, and recover.  Yesterday, Dr. Dana said Katie's levels will probably continue to go down.  Katie's blood count was up, because she had just received the transfusion on Monday.  We will take her to the clinic next Thursday if we think she needs another blood transfusion.  Katie's platelets are low, but she will not get platelets unless she is actively bleeding (a nose bleed or gums bleeding that we can't stop).  Dr. Dana (and we) do not want to give Katie platelets unless it is absolutely necessary, because Katie has such a severe reaction to platelets.  She has been deemed "allergic" to platelets.  There are things they can do to lessen Katie's reaction, but no one wants to risk it unless we have to.  Katie's ANC (immune system) is down and she is weaker than usual.  She isn't able to go up or down the stairs by herself right now, etc..  However, she is as cheerful and happy as always.  She is fun to be around and she always makes us laugh.  I find my joy in being Katie and Conner's mother.  I am glad for the blessing of my children.
     Richard Carlson, PH.D. said: "Obstacles and problems are a part of life.  True happiness comes not when we get rid of all of our problems, but when we change our relationship to them, when we see our problems as a potential source of awakening, opportunities to practice patience, and to learn.  Perhaps the most basic principle of spiritual life is that our problems are the best places to practice keeping our hearts open.
     "In the Buddhist tradition, difficulties are considered to be so important to a life of growth and peace that a Tibetan prayer actually asks for them. It says, 'Grant that I may be given appropriate difficulties and sufferings on this journey so that my heart may be truly awakened and my practice of liberation and universal compassion may be truly fulfilled.'  It is felt that when life is too easy, there are fewer opportunities for genuine growth" (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, 209).
     I certainly wouldn't pray for problems, but as they come, I have found it is better to ask "what can I learn" rather than to ask "why".  Either way, it is hard, but one path leads to greater understanding and the other path leads to self-pity.  I would rather learn from my trials, than have the experience simply wasted on me.  I will not have Katie's pain during this trial be for nothing.  I am trying to learn and grow all I can from the things we are going through.  It isn't easy.  It is hard.  I have my down days, but more than anything, I want to be a good wife and a good mother, and that keeps me going.  So, it is a circle, they help me and I help them.  Family...what a beautiful plan!  I am so grateful for those who have come before me - and for those who will come after me.  What a blessing it is to know we will be together, as a family, forever.