Day 204

     It is hard sometimes to know what to do... Katie woke up during her nap yesterday, several times, moaning and crying.  She did the same thing all during the night last night.  We worry that her blood level has gone down and she needs a transfusion, but in order to check that, we would have to access her port (which we want to do as little as possible - for several reasons).  However, we decided in the middle of the night that we would take her in today to get checked, but when she woke up this morning, she looked and acted fine... So, I am not sure what to do.  I guess we will give it another day and see how she does. 
     Yesterday was just a yucky day.  My poor husband spent a good part of his day, putting out fires (figuratively, not literally) trying to make everything better for everyone.  What I posted yesterday about patience and endurance, is what I am learning about, but certainly not what I have mastered!  Scott is far more advanced in this area than me - he is a great example. 
     Yesterday some emotions were stirred up for me.  Our family has been through some very hard things, especially in this past year.  We continue to be faced with the challenge of forgiving others - people who used their free agency in such a way that it harshly and directly impacted our lives.  I am finding that forgiveness is a long and difficult process.  Because of all the hurt brought on by others, our family also has a lot of healing we need to go through, individually and collectively.  We are a work in progress.
     There is an article in the June 2012 Ensign that I wanted to make note of called, "Finding Peace Through Forgiveness" (page 64).
The following quotes by President Faust were mentioned in the article:
    * "Forgiveness is not always instantaneous."
    * "Most of us need time to work through pain and loss."
    * "Forgiveness comes more readily when...we have faith in God and trust in
        His word."
    * "If we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of
        forgiveness, He will help us."
    "The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge."
    "With all my heart and soul, I believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of the Savior 'to forgive all men' (D&C 64:10). (James E. Faust, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness," Ensign, May 2007, 67-69).
    The following quotes from Elder Richard G. Scott, are in addition to the article (page 66): "You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive.  Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate.  It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge.  It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord.
     "The Master counseled, 'Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you' (3 Nephi 12:44).
     "Bitterness and hatred are harmful.  They produce much that is destructive.  They postpone the relief and healing you yearn for... Let God be the judge - you cannot do it as well as he can." ("Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse," Ensign, May 1992, 32-33). 
     True, but hard.  I feel justified in my anger against those who wronged us, but holding on to that anger will only cause further pain to my family.  I won't allow that to happen - I did not have had any control over what they chose to do to us, but I do have control over how I chose to respond to it - I will not allow them to cause any further harm or pain to my family, or to me.  My desire for peace outweighs any desire I have to hold onto that anger.  I fully recognize the importance of redirecting my thoughts from the wrongs that have been done, to focusing my mind and energy on things of a better.  Katie getting cancer, as hard as it has been, has been a source of help in "forcing" us to focus on better things and prioritizing "what matters most."  What was done to us can not be "erased," but I know with time we will heal and we will forgive.  We are an eternal family and we are united in our love for each other and in our love of the Lord.