Day 32

     We made it to church today, as a family - it didn't go smoothly - but we were there! =)  We had some friends bring us dinner, which was great, because I didn't have anything planned or ready.  Today was a nice day.  Katie is doing a pendulum swing between herself and the steroids, but it is so great to catch glimpses of our Katie again!  We had lots of smiles today and even some laughter and talking.  I hadn't really realized that Katie had stopped talking - but she had.  It was so beautiful today to hear her sweet voice again!    
     I keep reliving what happened a couple of mornings ago, when we took Katie to the hospital for morphine.  (Remember she had her procedures the day before and had been hurting through the night.  We could not get her pain under control, so we were advised to take her to the hospital).  I was totally wiped out before we even got there!  At the hospital three nurses came into the room (I have no idea why it took three) to access Katie's port.  I held Katie in my lap, to restrain her, while one nurse watched and the other two "worked" on Katie.  One nurse put the needle in Katie's port, while the other was injecting saline through the access.  As soon as the nurse put the needle in Katie's port I knew something was wrong.  Katie started screaming and arched her back and was trying to get her hands out of mine.  I told them immediately that something was wrong, and that they were hurting her.  The nurse continued pushing in the saline.  Katie screamed more and I told them something was wrong.  Scott said it was okay - and I told him no, it's never been like this before.  I told them again, "Something is wrong, you are hurting her!"  The nurse holding the needle told the nurse pushing the saline to stop, but she kept pushing, Katie kept screaming, trying to claw her way out of my arms.  At this point I started yelling, "your hurting her, something is wrong, your hurting her!"  At this point, I was still restraining Katie, but Scott was having to restrain me!  I was so upset!  I knew something was wrong!  I must have closed my eyes and mentally checked out for a few seconds because the next thing I remember is the nurses throwing their gloves away and walking out of the room.  I looked down at Katie and her port was not accessed.  I asked Scott, "What just happened?"  He told me the access didn't work and they were going to have to try again.  AGAIN!  I couldn't believe it. 
     The nurses came in again a few minutes later with another nurse in tow (4 nurses).  They tried to explain what "might" have been the problem before, and said they were going to try again.  This time it took three nurses to work on her, while one watched.  (In the clinic, it is one nurse and me).  I told Katie they were going to have to do it again and she started crying.  Then I started crying and told Scott, "I don't think I can do this...I can't handle any more."  Scott offered to take her, but Katie cried louder, saying she wanted me.  The nurses asked if I wanted to leave the room.  I said, "If Katie wants me, I am going to be here for her, I can do this."  I pulled it together and things went quick and smooth that time.  I know in the big scheme of things that what happened wasn't a big deal, (not life or death) but I was (am) traumatized by it - and so was Katie.
    However, just to keep things in perspective, when the doctor came in, he said he understood how we were feeling, because he had a daughter who had Leukemia.  He said he lived in China when his daughter had Leukemia and they did not have the benefits we have.  In China the children did not have ports, so his daughter had to be "poked" all over.  In China they did not have the anti-nausea medicine, so his daughter threw-up all the time.  In China they did not give the children anesthesia when they did the bone marrow scrapes and spinal taps. ---I can't even imagine!  I don't even want to try to imagine, because as I said, I am already traumatized by what we are having to do - with the "luxuries" we have.
     Today I am glad we don't live in China!  We are so blessed to have all the medicines and benefits we have!  My quote for the day is, "If our lives are centered in Christ, nothing can go permanently wrong....if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right." (Howard W. Hunter "Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 1997, 40)