Today Katie walked back and forth between her Grandma Epps and me, from couch to chair. Katie was wobbly, unstable, and as timid as a toddler just learning to walk, but her reaction was that of a 2 & 1/2 year old who has lost and regained her ability to walk. Each time she reached my arms, she would squeeze me tight, and she just about burst with pride and joy! She laughed and giggled. She was so pleased and proud of herself - and I was so proud of her. Katie is such a trooper! She is brave and strong and sweet.
I have thought much about the lessons I am learning from Katie, and at her expense. Lessons of charity, long suffering, patience, endurance. Katie is so young, I doubt she will remember much of her experience with cancer, but I will. So, it seems this refiners fire is meant for me. Katie has had to endure so much already, I just don't want any of her pain or suffering to be wasted or in vain.
So, maybe having said that, you can appreciate my frustration with myself for once again getting wound so tight, that I blew my top. Not a big deal really, just a minor infraction, I got mad, raised my voice, and threw something on the ground, it didn't break - my anger was vented....but to my shame, I had offended my husband, and left Conner asking, "Why did you throw that on the ground?" To which I could only respond, "I don't know." Then Katie kept questioning, "Why is mommy sad, why is mommy sad?" Over and over again. I tried to explain I wasn't "sad" - just...tired. But, do you see? I feel frustrated at myself, at my lack of self-control, lack of progress, my poor example - my lack of long suffering and patience. I am not feeling sorry for myself here, and I am not looking for sympathy - just wanting and needing to do better. I want to progress and grow, I want to learn and improve. I want to be better for having gone through this - because KATIE had to go through this. I also wish I could somehow impart the lessons I am learning now, onto Katie later, so she won't have to go through something like this again, in order for her to learn the lessons I am now having to learn at her expense.
I know the Lord will not allow the negatives in our lives to remain negative, if we choose to make them positive...but that is our choice. Like Paul affirmed in Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." I know this is my choice. I can let this bring me down and become bitter and play the martyr, or I can deepen my sense of purpose, conversion and worthiness. Today I read, "It is in the crucible of adversity that the gold of godliness is refined, molded, and shaped to perfection....Perhaps we place too much emphasis on our present sufferings because we do not fully realize the promise of future rewards or the Lord's ability to add the vertical line that makes our present negative into a godly positive. (S. Michael Wilcox)
The Lord once comforted the early Saints of this dispensation by saying, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; ...be of good cheer, for I will lead you along... The riches of eternity are yours" (D&C 78:17 - 18). "For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him" (Isaiah 64:4).
I truly felt as a little child tonight (in front of my husband and children). I know that our mortal trials are nothing as contrasted with eternal glory...I know that, but the days are long and I am exhausted. Somehow I need to gain and keep an even greater perspective. I need to do and be better. I go back to the definition of charity in 1 Cor 13, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind...Doth not behave itself unseemly...is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;...Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, edureth all things." Oh, how much I still have to learn!! But I will not have this experience with Katie be wasted! I will do my best to "be of good cheer" for I know He will lead me along.
P.S. Conner is doing better now that he is on antibiotics.
Anndrea, so glad to hear that Conner is feeling better. It is funny, last night I went to bed wondering if Katie was able to walk again. You answered and I am so glad to hear that she is starting to be able to enjoy the freedom.
ReplyDeleteAs for you! What can I say. You are so hard on yourself. What you have been through is more than most people ever encounter. You will get frustrated again, you will be sad. It is ok to feel these emotions. The trick is, don't let them define you. I always call those moments my "pity party". You get mad, you cry, feel sorry for yourself, whatever is needed. Then you take a breathe, ask the Lord for strength and go on. Just like a warrior.
As for "growing" through this experience. You already have. I hear it in your words everyday. But remember, learning and changing doesn't come over night (but in your case it almost has). This will be a slow process. You will see yourself saying and doing things that you never thought of. Liking talking to a parent who is going through the same thing you are going through (how many times have we ALL just turned our heads when we saw a sick child).
Your change will also come after all this is over. What will you do with what you have learned? Will you go on with your life, as it was before? Or will you take what you have learned and maybe help others? That is when you will really know how much "change" you made.
As for Katie learning from this experience. She is young and she may not remember any of it, but I almost guarantee she will grow up with compassion for others. You know some of what Michael has gone through (much different than Katie). He is a very kind boy to kids who are not as fortunate as he. He goes out of his way to talk to them and to be their friend. Most kids just ignore or tease, but not Michael. I know this is because he knows what it feels like to struggle. Katie will be the same way. She will just know what others are going through and she will reach out to them.
I know you are tired and scared. Unfortunately you will get frustrated again! Just remember to breathe, apologize and go on. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are so strong and so faithful! You are further head emotionally than most people who go through this kind of ordeal. Just remember, you have a strong support group of people who love you and are praying for you all.
Love,
Kelly
But God knows your heart... and your heart is full of love, patience, understanding and long suffering. How thankful we are for an understanding God. And I'm so thankful you're willing to share these moments with us, so we can all remember to be more thankful, humble and loving. Katie's experience will bring so many closer to God.
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