Day 100

      Katie is still complaining about her tummy hurting throughout the day, but overall, she is doing amazingly well.  We acknowledge the great blessings that have come to her and us, and we are grateful.
     Conner is and has been a thumb sucker his whole life - it is a source of great comfort to him.  I understand this, as I was also a very adamant thumb sucker in my youth.  My mom tried everything to get me to stop sucking my thumb - I have very clear memories about the efforts and methods used to try and end my thumb sucking - nothing short of having a "rake" placed in my mouth worked!  So, against my better judgment, I followed the advise of our Pediatrician, and have "ignored" his thumb sucking, having been assured he would eventually stop on his own.  Conner is now 4.5, and he is not going to stop on his own.  His thumb sucking habit is affecting the shape of his mouth. So I am now attempting to help my son break himself of this comfort/habit.  This is not an easy or pain free task.  It is upsetting for him - and me.  I am sure he will remember this, just as I remember my mom trying to help me.  So, I am trying to approach this task with empathy and compassion, yet with firmness and determination.  I have tried to assure him of my love for him, while at the same time, exerting my influence by offering rewards and consequences for his actions.  Tonight I painted his thumbnail with the same nasty tasting polish my mom tried on me ( it didn't work for me, but hopefully it will be enough for Conner, along with the incentives).  However, it was a painful undertaking tonight for both of us, as he cried for an hour before he went to sleep, begging me to "PLEASE take it off" (the polish).  I told him I wouldn't, because I loved him, and I was doing what I needed to do, to help him do what he needed to do.  Sometimes being a parent and doing what is best for your child is hard!  It is especially hard when they don't understand everything, or they can't see the big picture, and they are begging you to stop doing what you are doing - even though you know what you are doing is right and is in their best interest and will help them in the long run. 
     I have no doubt this is how our Heavenly Father feels at times, as we beg Him to PLEASE "remove this cup from me".  But our Heavenly Father being a loving parent and our God, and He knowing what is best for us, allows us to "suffer" so that we can grow and progress.  He can see the "big picture" when we at times can't.  We need to submit to the will of our Heavenly Father, just as a child submits to their earthly parents.  Mosiah 3:19 says, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." 
     Scott and I recently had a conversation about putting off the "natural man".  I know we are to put off the natural man and become Christ like.  I know if I can not do this, I can not fully be filled with the pure love of Christ.  Since Katie's illness, I have felt such a strong urgency to put "first things first".  During the past six years, I have lost such a large part of myself in the abyss of the constant turmoil and trauma that has invaded our home, coming from the outside in and from the inside out.  So much good has been wasted, in having to deal with all the negativity, due to other people's agency.  Scott has coped better with this than I have.  I have learned from his example and I have gotten through it by the grace of God.  However, a new day has dawned and I no longer simply want to "get through it".  I have been empowered to take charge of my life, my home and my family. 
     President Harold B. Lee said, "Woman is the homemaker in her own home and an exemplar to her posterity in the generations that succeed her.  Woman is a helpmeet to her husband and may render him more perfect than he otherwise would be.  Woman's influence can bless a community or a nation to that extent to which she develops her spiritual powers in harmony with the heaven-sent gifts with which she has been endowed by nature.... Year in and year out, she may cast the aura of her calming and refining influence to make certain that her posterity will enjoy the opportunities to develop to their fullest potential their spiritual and physical natures."  He also said, "Mothers are the creators of the atmosphere in the home and do much to provide the strong foundation for their sons and daughters, to provide them with strength when they leave the influence of their homes." (Teachings of Harold B. Lee, 139).
     I was so struck by this last night when I read it.  I asked myself, "How am I doing?  What kind of 'aura' am I casting?  Am I casting an 'aura' of a calming and refining influence in my home?  What type of atmosphere am I creating for my children?  Am I providing them with the strength and foundation they need?"   So...on this, the 100th day, I truly find myself at a crossroad.  I take a deep breath and exhale.  No looking back.  I am so grateful to be moving ahead.  Grateful for my husband and children.  Grateful for one more day, to prepare them and myself to meet God.  Today I am simply glad for today, and for the opportunity I have to care for my family.